Skiles and the Shaq Ad.

Greetings from the Pacific time zone!

Start times for everything out here are quite odd. I always complain about how late warriors games start when I'm back in the central time zone, but out here, everything from the eastern and central time zones ends at about eight p.m. It really is weird. I feel like my head is going to pull the old "arnold schwarzenegger on the surface of mars" from Total Recall...or not.

On to business.

Scott Skiles got the axe in Chicago, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Obviously I WAY over-hyped their team at the begining of the year, but I'm not sure how much of it is Skiles fault. Seems like more of it would reside in their front office. Skiles wasn't responsible for over paying a player they didn't need, nor is he at fault for creating a massive distraction with the Kobe talk. He also isn't necessarily responsible for Kirk Heinrich suddenly looking like he's the starter for Chicago's WNBA team.

Then again, Skiles is responsible for his pissing match with Tyrus Thomas, and that certainly hasn't helped team chemistry. Skiles could also be stuck with the stupid decision not to start Noccioni and Deng together for most of the season.

I don't know how this will work out for the team, but I think their season is close to being a wash at this point.

On another topic: recently Shaq's ad for the heating pads that you can apply for pain relief have been running a lot recently. There's one scene where you see Shaq's exposed back where a pad is applied. I watched this about three times before I realized that it must be a body double. The body they show is in really good shape, and Shaq is not. So how embarassing must that be on the set of the commercial? Say you get paid millions of dollars a year to play a sport, and when it comes time to film a squence with your shirt off, they have to use a more fit body double. Do you get upset? Or do you just say, "the hell with it" and drive off in your Ferrari?

-Dusty

Holidays

As you have noticed, all five of you, that is, Dusty and I are taking somewhat of a holiday sabatical due to our respective locations in high altitudes and concrete jungles. Mostly because were lazy though. Some random thoughts to tide you over until we get back from holiday debauchery with people we love and some we don't.

Rasheed Wallace's jingle bells remix should take on viral proportions swamping youtube with more traffic than it can handle. It is awesome. The league pass is great because you get to watch all the NBA teams do Christmas promotions, which means you get to see Deke Mutumbo awkwardly belt out Jingle Bells with Yao Ming. I don't know which one of these guys looked less thrilled to be doing this, but it is funny as hell either way. Speaking of local markets on league pass, I have decided that I want to travel to half the cities in the NBA just so that I can eat the food I see on commercials... it could increase the pace to my first eating related malady for which a doctor prescribes medicine instead of telling me to eat healthier.

Remember folks the holidays are the only time of year when it is socially acceptable to be a lush. So enjoy. The Captain signing off...

The NuWave Oven and some free knives

So, it's a Thursday night and I have a twelve pack in the fridge and some bad homemade nachos in front of me. A farily average night. However, the NBA despite my avid patronage and willingess to spend a $160 I don't have to get league pass has two games on tonight. No died, there isn't a holiday. If I wanted a Thursday night schedule like this I would give a shit about the NFL. The first game is one of the worst that could ever be scheduled. It is the NuWave oven infomerical version of the NBA game...

There is an amazing offer for something that can't really do what it advertises. The recent NBA champions, Miami Heat, take on the not so long ago up and coming Washington Wizards. In a battle of teams that are about as appealing as a jock strap growing mold TNT will market this as a game that is fun to watch because Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller will tell you how bad it is all night. The ESPN pundits will tell you that the Heat are worried, but not that far behind where they were lat season. You know what, last season they made the playoffs and bowed out ingnominiously to a Chicago team that couldn't find their own asses with a big gay penis right now. I am supposed to be excited that they could make the playoffs and look like a cracker in a circle jerk? I don't think so.

The Wizards are playing without Gil and are pretty much owning the Heat as I watch this game. Sans-Gil Wiz ass whipping in which Antwan Jamison looks like he is back in Golden State, and Caron Butler is making Kobe want to deficate in Mitch Kupchak's coffee cup could really only happen against a couple teams, and the Heat are one of them. Shit on a stick this game is bad.

Why do I watch? For the same reason that at two thirty in the morning you watch the NuWave Oven commercial. "Touch and Go" in thirty minutes chicken dinner with vegtabales, this looks delicious. You know that this is a load of crap and that you would never pay to use one because in all likelihood anything that comes out of the triple action cooking machine taste like a hockey puck. You know that as you watch this commercial that it is time that you will not get back. You know that as you watch two teams that really don't matter that you will not get the time back. So, why do we do it? The answer for me has to do with the fact that at least the basketball game is not scripted, there is a chance for something crazy to happen. Like Luke Jackson looking good, or Jamison putting up numbers good enough to make D.C. fans optimistic. Maybe the fact that DeShawn Stevenson always has big games, but never warrants a decent contract. Look at what he makes compares to other guys with similar numbers. The NuWave oven cooks a ten pound turkey touch and go. This food is amazing. I bet it really isn't even edible. This game really isn't even watchable. You have no excuse for watching, excpet that the next game is going to be the free set of Ginzu knives.

This is a truly amazing commercial. They cut diamonds with the paring knife and they slice cars in half with the cleaver. The Spurs I am willing to bet will not lose two in a row without making the Lakers work for it even with the two All-Stars on the bench. If they win I can see Kobe starting to bitch about wanting to be traded again. This game in that sense has great potential because it could speed up Jason Kidd trade talks, or start some more interesting trade talks concerning the best single talent in the NBA (even if I don't like him).

Barkley called the Spurs Groundhog Day because he could watch them every night. I could watch that old guy run over his Ginzu knives with a lawnmower and cut something in half with it afterward and then explain how he could send them back every night. The Spurs are obviously better than the Lakers with Parker and Duncan; this is the only reason I put the Spurs in an info commercial category. I am watching this game not because it is important or indicative of reality in the NBA, but watching Manu and the Red Rocket slice and dice the Lakers should be fun.

The Captain signing off...

Alright, I had to take a break after that for a little bit. Hopefully T.J. will be OK. I left off with the Cavs, a B. We probably don't need to explain any further that Lebron equals a chance, no Lebron equals no chance.

The Ordinary Average Guys

C+: The Atlanta Hawks: They probably deserve a B, since they have won seven of their last eleven including the loss tonight. They are damned impressive when they are out on the break. No one can stop Josh Smith, except Josh Smith. If life is a highway, Josh Smith is his own speed bump. This guy can jump like a young Shawn Kemp, another power forward that couldn't get out of his own way. Marvin Williams continues to improve, and make the Hawks look less idiotic for nor taking Chris Paul or Deron Williams. Marvin can play, but he looks lost sometimes. The thing that scares me about the development of this team is that it Joe Johnson almost seems to resent that he has to be the go to guy on this team. Isn't that why he came to Atlanta? His remarks the other night after a win were to the effect of, "I shouldn't have to bail us out, we should have won by 20." You are one of the only guys on this team that has been legal to drink for more than two years. It is your responsibility as the supposed grown up to lead this team. Stop bitching and start playing the part, or the Landlord will evict your ass. Ok, Shelden Williams isn't evicting anyone, but the nickname still makes me laugh. I think I will give them a B- because of Shelden's nickname and striking looks.

C+: The Indiana Pacers. I have no reason to change my mind here. A team that will do nothing in the playoffs, and really is a team in between having to blow up the roster and trying to contend. They have been since Auburn Hills. This team is not that compelling, and they continue to get into disturbing incidents off the court. A good start means nothing for this team, look at the last couple of years. Blow it up.

C: The Washington Wizards. They are even in the win-loss column without Gil. Last season without Gil they looked like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie without the explosions, a Cinemax movie without nudity, a pizza without cheese. Oh people do that. People also get excited about bad basketball team. The only reason to watch this team is not playing, and threw out dates concerning his return that ranged between now and when your cable guy actually shows up to fix something. Still, props for keeping the ship afloat. If I am on this ship, I am getting off at the next port though.

The GED division

C-: The Milwaukee Bucks. I want to like them. I actually really do. Micheal Redd is great when he is not injured. Bobby Simmons is hurt more often than Redd, and if you remember he was on the cusp of being a really exciting player when he left the Clips. It was like the Clippers luck followed him to Milwaukee. Andrew Bogut is Australian and talks shit about the hip-hop lifestyle. How many of his teammates talk to him? About the same number that can carry on a fluent conversation with Yi. Despite that the team can put up some good games, and play a compelling style of basketball when they don't look like the young mishmash of players that they are.

D+: New Jersey Nets. I'll tell you right now this is not a grade they like to give out. I wanted to give these guys a failing grade. Any team that has Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson in the East should be well over .500. History shows that they get their shit together and play well enough in streaks to tease their fan base. They look to be in about the same position this year. Rod Thorn will hold this team together like a redneck keeps a '79 Chevy truck together. The NBA equivalent of bondo and chicken wire will keep this beater passing the state inspection for just long enough to slip into the playoffs.

Remedial Bracket

D: Charlotte Bobcats. One step forward, and two steps back. They add talent and play below expectations. They spend some money and don't win games.They put Micheal Jordan in the front office and allow him to stay. The UNC weiner rubbing contest that MJ brings with him everywhere he goes is not good for anybody outside of Chapel Hill. Other than the fans of basketball teams in every other NBA city except Charlotte.

D-: Philly's 76'ers. The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. Philadelphia is starting anew,and they really should. They are on the right track.

The Give 'Em a Shovel and Teach 'Em to Dig Bracket

F:Miami. Good thing half of the guys has no reason to believe that Karma shouldn't be bighting them in the ass right now. Good thing the the other half have every reason to believe it should. I like watching them loose. Which way to their next huge embarrassing failure?

F: Chicago. This one really is confusing. Then you look at their shooting percentages, and spit out the Maddenesque comment, "Well you can't win games if you don't score points." Chicago execute every part of the game except for shooting. If you are taking a test this is like saying you can do everything, but answer the question coherently.

F: New York. Turd Sandwich.

The Captain signing off.

Western Conference Grades

It's about twenty games in to the season. The Captain and I decided the time was right for the first quarter grades. We have taken slightly different approaches, but you, being a wise reader, will undoubtedly make sense of it all.

A good teacher will, when possible, take into account how a student is doing compared to what they are capable of doing*. Keeping this in mind, I am off to grade the Western Conference.

* I am in no way saying I'm capable of teaching anyone in the NBA SHIT.

By the way, I'm taking this on like a spaghetti western.

Northwest Division:

Utah Jazz
Record: 13-8

The Good:
-Carlos Boozer is having a great season averaging better than 25/11 a night.
-Deron Williams is averaging the most minutes on the team, and he's only at 37 a night

The Bad:
-They have some really bad loses to the Knicks, the Ball Sacs and Indy. Not that they got blown out(well, Indy kicked them around), but losing to those teams looks bad if you consider yourself a contender, even early on and even if the Sacs have been extra frisky on occassion.

The Ugly
-Mehmet Okur. Two words: eyebrow wax.

Grade: B+.
Two really inexcusable loses, Knicks and Sac. This team should be 15-6.

Seattle Supersonics
Record: 5-16

The Good:
-um...Eight of their loses have been by seven points or less. Not bad, considering this team was expected to be terrible.

The Bad:
-Kevin Durant is shooting 39% for the season. Considering he's the primary offensive weapon right now, that isn't so good.

The Ugly:
-Terrible record. Owner plans on moving the team. Pissed off fans. It's ugly all around.

Grade: D
They're supposed to be bad, but if you get paid millions of dollars, then you need to win SOME of the close games.

Portland Trailblazers
Record: 8-12

The Good:
-Even without Greg Oden, this team is looking better than expected for this season. They've lost close games to good teams (San Antonio) and beaten some good teams (Dallas, Detroit, New Orleans).

The Bad:
-Lamarcus Aldridge is the leader in nearly every statistical category. He goes down, this frisky team could go right down with him.

The Ugly:
-This team has made several very good personel moves, and then they drafted Josh McRoberts. Really? WTF?

Grade: B

Minnesota Timberwolves
Record: 3-15

The Good:
-They just managed to knock off Phoenix!

The Bad:
-Let's see...they have a grand total of three wins.

The Ugly:
-Antoine Walker is their veteran leadership and he's being paid over 8 million dollars a year. Yikes.

Grade: D
They're bad. They have one of the leagues biggest cry babies for veteran leadership, and Kevin McHale is still their GM.

Denver Nuggets
Record:13-8

The Good:
-Marcus Camby is averaging more than three blocks a game. That's ridiculous folks.
-Just about this entire team is shooting around over 40% from the field. Yikes.
-Iverson and Anthony are two of the top scorers in the entire league.

The Bad:
-I realize he's impossible to take off the court, but Allen Iverson is averaging about forty minutes a night.

The Ugly:
-Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but they lost to the Knicks.

Grade: B+
They really should have at least two more wins.

Pacific Division:

Sacramento Kings (Ball Sacs)
Record: 8-12

The Good:
-Kevin Martin.
-The Redemption of Beno Udrih
-This team looks REAL frisky sometimes.

The Bad:
-Their best two players (Martin and Ron-Ron) are both averaging about forty minutes a night.

The Ugly:
-Check out the player picture of Brad Miller on espn.com. He looks like a grown up version of Alf alfa.

Grade:C
Something about Reggie Theus' metrosexualtiy is confusing this team into playing well occassionally.

Phoenix Suns
Record: 16-6

The Good:
-They're playing very good basketball while keeping their main players minutes down.

The Bad:
-They don't SEEM like they're playing very good basketball when I watch them, and they just lost to Minny (inexcusable).

The Ugly:
-It just seems like the fact that they need cap space and that Marion and Stoudemire can't exist in the same zip code together (rumor) is going to hurt this team sometime. This team used to be fun to watch play. They seem like they're not having any fun now.

Grade: A-
They're winning games, so I guess that's what matters, right now at least.

L.A. Lakers
Record: 12-8

The Good:
-Apparently the rest of the Lakers decided to show Kobe that they don't totally suck.

The Bad:
-The rest of the Lakers actually DO suck (at least comparative to Kobe, which might be unfair, but whatever).

The Ugly:
-At some point this season the "Bad" is going to show up, and Kobe'll probably push for a trade again. It's just a matter of time.

Grade: B
Seriously, did you think they'd be a playoff team as of now? I sure didn't.

L.A. Clippers
Record: 7-12

The Good:
-Chris Kaman is averaging three blocks a game! He's also apparently becoming comfortable talking to members of the opposite sex, aw, big ugly is growing up.

The Bad:
-This team is bad. Just plain bad.

The Ugly:
-I won't lie to you folks. I really do my best to avoid seeing this team play.

Grade: C-
They're bad. They were supposed to be bad because Elton Brand is out.

Golden State Warriors
Record 11-9

The Good:
-Record before Stephen Jackson came back from suspension: 1-6 Record after his return: 10-3.
-They are the most entertaining team right now, no one else is close.

The Bad:
-Baron Davis WILL get hurt. It's going to happen. It's as certain as the tides, the sun rising in the east or Stephen Jackson's next suspension from the league...

The Ugly:
-This team should still be vulnerable to a team with a good post player, so they're still just as vulnerable as last season.

Grade: B
It may look like you're watching a pick up game at the Y sometimes, but it's the best pick up game you've ever seen.


Now, the for the best division in basketball.

Southwest Division:

Memphis Grizzlies
Record: 6-14

The Good:
-Rudy Gay might have been on the all "not sure if he gives a shit" team in college, but he's been about as good as advertised in the pros.
-Juan Carlos Navarro has been the best Spaniard in the NBA so far this season.

The Bad:
-Juan Carlos Navarro has been the best Spaniard in the NBA this season. Hello, Pau? Time to show up and play. (That's right, 17/7 isn't good enough for me)

The Ugly:
-It kind looks like the Darko and Pau are planning to take over President Harrison Ford's plane sometime this season. Hey, it's the all terrorist look alike team!

Grade: C
I know they weren't supposed to be great, but I still think they're underachieving.

Houston Rockets
Record: 11-11

The Good:
-Scola looks like he's starting to adjust to the style of the NBA.
-Bonzi is playing much better on Adelman than he did under JVG.

The Bad:
-Rafer Alston brings the ball up. Rafer Alston dribbles into the corner. Rafer Alston gets trapped. Rafer Alston turns the ball over.

The Ugly
-Stevie Franchise makes his return to Houston, starts to play well, gets out of Adelman's dog house (no word on why he was there), promptly starts playing like shit.

Grade: B-
That's being generous considering they've played like crap recently, but they're still .500, for now.

Dallas Mavericks
Record: 14-8

The Good: I hate this fucking team.

The Bad: I mean, I really hate this fucking team

The Ugly: I fucking HATE this team

Grade: Go fuck yourselves Dallas.
No seriously, here's rusty spoon. I hope it helps.

New Orleans Hornets
Record: 14-7

The Good:
-Chris Paul is the man.

The Bad:
-Chris Paul is slightly injury prone.

The Ugly:
-David West and Peja are slightly injury prone as well.

Grade: A
They've played really well, even if they should've stayed in OKC because New Orleans can't support this team. Seriously, put the Hornets back in OKC and let the Sonics stay in Seattle. The only people who'd be pissed about this are people who think that would be cruel to do the a city that's rebuilding. Shit, they couldn't support them BEFORE the hurricane.


San Antonio Spurs
Record: 17-3

The Good:
-They're off to the best start in franchise history.
-No one is averaging even 35 minutes a game.
-They just beat Dallas and Utah without Duncan

The Bad:
-Bruce Bowen has definitely lost a step.

The Ugly:
-Francisco Elson gets called "Cisco." Matt Bonner gets called "Red Rocket."

Grade: A
Kicking ass, taking names. Any other team you'd think they'd started out too fast. Even Duncan's injury that looked like some kind of negative to balance out the Karma, but it turned out to be pretty mild.


-Dusty

A Quarter Evaluation

Most teams have already played 20 games, which is roughly 25% of the competition in the regular season. If it was a Presidential election they would have already called the winner. Good thing this is not a Presidential election. Though, David Stern might be one of the better candidates available at this point. Don't worry I am not going to write a lame ass column comparing teams to candidates in the upcoming primaries. I don't give a shit what the majority of people in New Hampshire or Iowa think about the talking heads running for the right to fuck the American people over in whatever way they think sounds the best decide. I just hope we get some Howard Dean quality soundbites out of it. No friends, I am here to talk about something far more important. The grades for the first quarter of this 2007-2008 NBA season. I have been gracious enough to give Dusty the West. My grades for the Leastern conference. These are not projections of the aggregate GPA for the year so to speak, merit is based only on performance to this point.

The NOT so LEASTERN of the bunch

A+++: The Boston Celtics. They are good so far, and damn good. The fans in New England are so far up their own asses right now it isn't funny. If somehow Bill Simmons reads this I am irrationally blaming you, just because you embody the annoying guy that is enjoying this way too much. I also might be bitter you get paid to write about this, while I sit on my couch drinking PBR and eating food that doesn't expire for another four score and seven years. Enjoy life in sunny southern Cal, Bill. We all know about the big 3, which by the way is yet another example of sports commentators recycling nicknames. Boston already had a big 3. The supporting cast has been better than anticipated. Rajon Rondo is scoring almost 9 points a game and handing out five dimes a game. Big Baby looks like he might be about to drool on himself in his ESPN profile pic, but to has shown signs of life and the ability to take up half the lane. Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House have also had a pulse. What about a Spree comeback here? He and KG play well together.

A++: The Orlando Magic. Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard. I was hoping this would work like Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls and he would appear on a team that didn't beg for Shaq comparisons, even if they are warranted. I have done it myself and apparently ESPN took note of it and decided to devote a page to scouting report. I like the Magic, as I have said. Jameer Nelson is coming into his own. Keith Bogans is another Kentucky castaway putting up 10ppg. Stan Van Gundy is winning games for them. Really, just read what I wrote recently, and remember that they have a Turkey product.

A: I hesitate to put the Pistons in this top tier after their recent history of mailing it when it matters. However, this is the period of the season that matters least, and unsurprisingly they have played well during this period. They have the some core players, but the one thing that could make them difficult to deal with is that their young guys Rodney Stuckey, Jason Maxiell, and Jarvis Hayes could give them an edge if they continue to develop.

Now for all the parity that supposedly exist in this league now, these are the only teams at the very second I write this that are more than a game above .500... Play ball at that clip in the other conference and you don't make the playoffs much less have a chance to get a top four seed.

The Better than Bad, They're Good bracket

B+: The Toronto Raptors. These guys have already played some games without their best player, Chris Bosh. Chris Bosh, please nobody call him CB4, he isn't Chuck and the guy deserves his own name. T.J. Ford just ran by you and you didn't even know it. That's how fast he is. He just dribbled the ball between your legs, which is impressive since you are sitting down. He's that fast. Jose Calderon is a starter on almost any other team at the point. The Raptors should walk away with the fourth seed in the conference. I guess I did make a prediction.

B:Cleveland. I know what their record is. They will lose every game they play in this league when Lebron is not on the floor. With Lebron on the floor they can win on any given night. Not four out of seven because Lebron has to do his by himself. They did get Varejao re-signed to a decently priced deal. They, being Danny Ferry, don't look quite so dumb. Actually, the perverbial they look pretty damn awful when you look at the cap numbers and the way they play when LBJ is not on the floor and they cannot play.

Wow... The air just got taken out of this column. T.J. Ford just hit the floor hard after a flagrant foul. They wheeled him off on a stretcher. Everyone keep T.J. in their thoughts and prayers given Ford's previous spinal injury. I have to take a minute.

Back soon, The Captain.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Come on Dusty. I can't get into this NBA thing. I just don't know how to pick a game to watch!"

Never fear young grasshopper. Dusty Winston has you covered.

Tuesday:

Toronto at Atlanta 7PM (ET)

WAIT! It's not 2004! This is actually a somewhat compelling matchup. Let me break it down for you.

Both of these teams are sitting right at about .500, and this means something if you're in the Eastern Conference, because, let's face it folks, outside of Boston, Detroit and Orlando, these guys suck. Atlanta and Toronto are also both currently in the playoff picture (8 & 4 seed, respectively).

Toronto has a great young team with Chris Bosh, TJ Ford (who's a helluva lot faster than I remembered...cocaine, it's a helluva drug). Plus they've got Jamario Moon. Have you seen this kid? He's getting about 8pts and 7.4 boards in about thirty minutes a game. I like this kid. He's got a lot of "intangibles."

Atlanta has a bunch of young high fliers, which makes sense since they've had a high first round pick every year since before there was ever a Bush in office. Al Horford is the best rookie in the league right now, without question (no offense KD). Plus this team is carrying my favorite college player from last year (even if he was an aggie), the one, the only, ACIE LAW IV! (I'm kinda pissed the "IV" is gone from his jersey in the pros.) All of these young, fast players. I would LOVE to see Don Nelson get his hands on this roster.

Indiana at Cleveland 7PM (ET)

One of these teams would be in the playoffs if they started tomorrow. Guess which one.


No really, guess.


The Pacers, holy shit.

You know what? The Pacers are playing WAY better than expected right now, and you know what else? I'm still not watching this fucking game. You want to know why?

No Lebron "the triple-double machine" James, no watchy.

Maybe the Pacers being in the playoff hunt makes sense since Lebron's supporting cast is so bad...no, nevermind, that still makes no fucking sense.


Minnesota at Washington 7PM (ET)

Um...no. I don't care if Minny beat Phoenix, I still don't fucking care.


Clippers at Nets 7:30PM (ET)

No. No. No. No. No.

Detroit at Memphis 8PM (ET)

Hmmmm...Detroit is actually sorta compelling, but considering I fade out during their games when I'm SOBER, then maybe that whole part about them being compelling is a load of shit.


Seattle at Chicago 8:30PM (ET)

SWEET JESUS! NO!

Interesting aside, this game will be horrible, no question. You would HAVE to be impaired to watch this game, so there's the question. Would this game be better Drunk or Stoned?

Drunk: This is definitely a drunk game for Bulls and Sonics fans. Whilst watching your horrible franchise trade bricks with the opponent, you could ponder the following questions:

Bulls fan: Why did we sign a gigantic, offensively retarded post player?

Sonics fan: What the hell does Oklahoma City have on us? Pricks.

The resolution to both of these queries will result in you throwing something. Just make sure not to hurt anyone, except possible Clay Bennett or Scott Skiles.

Stoned: This is if you're the casual observer with nothing better to do (read: college student). You can be amazed at the speed of the game. You'll also marvel at the offensive ineptitude of both teams. "How can you be paid millions of dollars a year to miss shots? Hey, pass those cheetos."


Portland at Utah 9PM (ET)

Definitely watchable.

Portland has a great young nucleus that plays pretty well together. They've got the incomparable Joe Przybilla. Maybe they're not the "Jail Blazers" anymore, but for old times sake they keep someone named Outlaw on the roster...and Darius Miles.

Utah. Good team. They'll be in the playoffs. They have a Turkey product on their roster.


San Antonio at Golden State 10:30PM (ET)

Now THIS could be an interesting game.

Reasons it could be interesting:

1. Stephen Jackson has this team playing great basketball since he came back from suspension

2. The Spurs have been playing without an injured Tim Duncan and managed to beat Dallas AND Utah.

3. Manu Ginobili is easily one of the greatest or THE greatest second round draft picks, ever.

4. No one plays more exciting basketball than the Warriors, no one.

5. Tony Parker vs. Monta Ellis. If you could somehow get TJ Ford to this game, then we could once and for all settle which guy is the fastest on the court with the ball in his hands.


Reasons it could suck:

1. Tim Duncan plays. The Spurs slow it down, pound the ball inside (giggle) and destroy the Warriors in the post. Spurs walk away with a 25 point win.


Either way, it could be great television.

-Dusty

Hallelujah, Holy Shit, Where's the Tylenol?!

I feel like Clark Griswold. Watching the Rockets makes me want to flip out that way and yell at who ever is available. Well readers, I live alone, so you get to hear it. If my Houston bias hadn't come out before, here it comes. This space is mostly here for Dusty and I's edification anyway. If Bill Simmons can be a homer, and Stephen A. Smith can find a way to mention the Knicks once a sentence I get mine, damnit! So the Rockets have lost their last two games in pretty convincing fashion. I am beginning to think that winning those six early in the season might have convinced these guys that they were already in the playoffs. No one noticed Adelman telling us to hold off on thinking that everything was Kosher because negative remarks after wins had become the standard with the previous regime. The turd they dropped tonight could have been worse, I guess. At least they cut the lead back down to 12 from 31. What's that? Oh right they were playing the Philadelphia 76'ers. This 76'ers team is bad. They don't even have fans that care enough about them to not give Andre Igoudala, far and away the best guy on the team, the same nickname as their last star player. If I am Igoudala I turn down a contract and go to team's whose fans don't just label me as the Beta version of the guy they had before, and who is still in the league. Anyway, the Rockets never really seemed to understand that spotting the other team 31 points might not be a good game plan. Steve Francis looked to be coming back into his own in the Phoenix game that seems like an eternity ago, and now when he is on the court when moves it looks like an old woman trying to unfold a rusty lawn chair. He picks up his dribble at no less than 27 feet from the basket, and looks like he would rather pass a kidney stone whenever he gets the chance to take a shot. Rafer Alston has missed the last two games, but I am not willing to give up on my move Rafer vendetta. Trade him for a shooter. Hell, call up Steve Novak or Aaraon Brooks from the D-League they both won college three point contests, and have recently torn it up in their games down close to the border. The way it could have been worse tonight is if we had mailed it in like the Knicks did when they were clearly beaten by Boston, but at least Boston is good this year. The Rockets losing this game is like getting beat up by your little sister in front of your best friends. Oh yeah, I was looking for a positive. The bench showed a pulse, and played better than their starting counter parts. Rick Adelman is going to shake up this line up. It has to happen, and it has to happen now. Scola needs to start. Bonzi needs to start. Chuck and Shane need to come of the bench to stop other teams and provide the energy boost they need off the bench. Both are model citizens and would play through this. Shane is starting to get his shot back to some degree and we need his defense, but we are not JVG's defensive stopping team anymore. If Rick Adelman is coaching it should look like a Rick Adelman team. Right now the motion offense looks like bats flying around in a room with explosions screwing up their radar. Actually bats move, bad comparison. More like road kill with T-Mac dribbling through the mess. They can't even get Yao shots on the block consistently. If anyone in the league should be saying the things that Shaq is saying right now it is Yao. Mike James should start. Let him run and gun a little bit, and I bet Tracy doesn't check himself out of games if he sees people busting their asses. The bright spot is simply that our bench showed they can play, and that we can shuffle the line up and get something out of these guys.

The Captain done publicly bitching for a bit. By the way, Merry Christmas, the shitter's full. Time to flush if you are a Houston fan.

Trades

I somehow missed that we had our first comment. Thanks to Saifine. Your work on Marquis Daniel's hair rivals the work of Paul Mitchell and Salvador Dali. It truly fascinates me.

The hot topic right now is Jason Kidd possibly being traded or getting a contract extension. This does not excite because all of the trade rumors that have been bandied about to this point wouldn't change the balance of power in the league at all. New Jersey obviously would not get any better, and this team wasn't even convincing when it went to the finals not all that recently. It would be nice to see Kidd on a team that matters because he is one of the only pure point guards in the league. He is getting old and could never shoot well consistently, and given that do you think he makes the Lakers much better. This really the only team that has something to gain by adding him. Without the league's #2 dunker (that phrase needs to be used somewhere else, it makes me laugh) who they would likely have to give up in the trade the Lakers would have only one guy to pass to... Kobe. This is the same guy they pass to on every play now. Lamar Odom's health woes certainly don't help, and Luke Walton is more or less a talented version of Mark Madsen. Everybody likes him and he brings energy, but he isn't going to change the outcome of too many games. A cool trade would be Jason Kidd to the Hawks for Josh Childress,Speedy Claxton, Zaza Pachulia, and Lorenzen Wright. Childress could be signed to a reasonable contract extension. Wright is off the books at the end of the year taking 3 million off the Nets bloated cap number. Claxton is overpaid, but can play a little bit when healthy. Pachulia can spread the floor and fill in for the oft injured Kristic. None of these are long term contracts, and everyone one of these contracts is off the book in less than three years. Kidd would make the young Hawks an interesting team, and there are a lot weapons for Kidd to give the ball to in Atlanta. With no regard for plausability I am going to suggest some personnel moves that I would love to see happen.

Latrell Spreewell needs to come back; I am worried that he won't be able to feed his family soon. Seriously, where has Spree gone? This guy was playing at a high level when he left. He could go to Seattle, P.J. has coached him before. Regardless, of the fact that Spree could be on the All Crazy team (Dusty and I will write an article about this team soon, I promise) I am betting that this guy could stay play. Where he should really end up is Golden State, for one it would be a homecoming. Two, this team is already pretty crazy, what is one more nut going to do to the chemistry. Probably nothing negative.

David Lee out of New York. This guy should be somewhere that people actually basketball. Lee is the only guy on this team that hustles. How about Lee to the Suns, imagine this the Suns pick up Lee and Nate Robinson for Brian Skinner and cash and a future first rounder. Even Isaih probably would't do this, but he you never know. The Suns would have a fast back up point guard and forward coming off the bench who can rebound. The Knicks would be getting an expiring contract, some money make a lawsuit payment, and the rights to make squander someone's potential. I would also like to see Amare Soudemire and Nate Robinson have dunk contest at half times of games with those super mini trampolines that the mascots use to dunk.

AK-47 for Shawn Marion, this should have done this deal at the beginning of the year. I like the ideal of it. The Jazz are playing to well to mess up their chemistry. This trade could really make sense for both teams though.

Alright now for the one thing that really couldn't happen, but should for my amusement. The Knicks roster should become part of an expansion draft, and the people of New York City can hold elections for which of its billionaires gets to take the team from the Dolan regime. That's right take. Dolan has the lost the right to own this team. By keeping Isaih Thomas for this long, and having a swollen Yankees like payroll without being able to win like the Yankees he has lost the privlege to run the franchise. I miss the Knicks being good for the simple reason that I used to love to root against them. If you are not from New York or LA there is nothing better than rooting against these large market teams. If you are not from or do not live or have not lived in one of these cities and you root for them, you are officially one of the most annoying fans in the world. In fact you are not really even a fan at all. Anyway, I want the Knicks to be good again so I can hate them again. Right now I just don't even care about them.

Side Note: Every front row seat at games should be filled. If their is an empty seat courtside seat one it should be given to somebody in the cheapseats. Watching league pass it is amazing to see how many great seats at NBA games are empty. I don't understand this. If you had courtside season tickets and you knew you were not going to be able to go to a game wouldn't you make sure somebody got to use the tickets? If you were an owner of a team wouldn't you make sure that someone was in those seats.

The Captain signing off for now...

Holy Shit Balls Batman!

So I might have mentioned that the Magic were better than expected. That could have been understated. Dwight Howard is terrifying. This guy is huge! He's like Sputnik! Dwight! Slam Dunk! Now! This guy leads league in dunks by a two to one margin, and has more dunks than many teams. Of course the problem is that Andrew Bynum is next in the league in this category. Dwight Howard's dunk contest last season was wildly unappreciated. His smiling face plastered twelve and a half feet high on the backboard, how did this not win? The Magic even have their own Turkey product. The play where Tinsley dribbled the ball through the Pilgrim's Pride's legs and drops in a lay up was priceless. Maybe I should not get to high on these guys. However, how could you not like a team whose coach looks like Ron Jeremy? Are there two brothers who look less alike than the VG brothers? The Magic are scary for two primary reasons. Dwight Howard for sure. Then the previously mentioned motivation that Stan Van Gundy has to have must be hellacious motivation.

Speaking of Miami, I am interested to see if Shaq's give me the damn ball routine, apologies to Keyshawn, will do anything more than make him look just a little more washed up than he already does or if he will somehow find another gear... is another gear to get an 400lb old man off the floor. If so does it involve shoving a rocket up his... Nevermind. The real question here is how long is it before Shaq ends up turning another guard into an enemy? No one is talking about the fact that Penny and Kobe both hated Shaq enough not to want to play with him when he was still capable of playing himself into shape, which he may not be able to do anymore. Dwayne Wade is the most likeable of these guys, but he has already called Shaq out once. You get the feeling that other guys who are superstars get tired of Shaq thinking that he is not a superstar, but the Greatest Player to ever touch an orange ball. The Big Aristotle is starting to look more like the Big Asshole. He is still better than most, but he is not the MDE anymore, if he ever was. Shaq is getting dumped on for being old, I want him to get dumped on for being an annoying dick who whines when his team doesn't win.

I wanted to write about the Warriors and Capt'n Jack, but J.A. Adande already said everything in an article on ESPN today. Damnit! Why don't I get paid to say shit first? I could limit my usage of profanity and make less jokes about sex, drugs, and deviant behavior. Wait a minute that wouldn't be fun. I do have things to say that have not been said. For instance, I would compare Jackson to a dirty uncle that everyone in the family gets nervous about when you tell them that he is going to show you how to impress women. Everyone has an uncle or a cousin like this. The point being here is that even though said uncle is dangerous and takes you to the insert regional festival or bowling alley to pick up chicks the man does know how to get laid in these places. Stay with me. I am not saying this is a good thing, but if your goal is to pick up women, sometimes you have to lower your standards to raise your averages. The Warriors have decided to lower their standard of ball to the punchers chance, but they have some guys on their team who can punch. Capt' Jack is puncher. He is that uncle that teaches you how to pick up women at the Crawfish Festival, Chili Cook Off, or bowling alley setting. He's damn good at what he does. It just isn't for everyone.

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this until now, but Billy King got fired after his stellar career. This man got paid to piss off sports fans in Philadelphia. This like getting paid to shoot fish in a barrel. They boo Santa Oh, right I guess he was actually paid to put together that could win games. In that case I am not sure how he wasn't fired earlier. Does this mean that Isaih Thomas is next? I hope so.

More to come. The Captain signing off.

We wasted the good surprise on you

As I said when I wrote the preview column they are popular at the beginning of the year. Good for eveyone they actually play the games. Our sorpresa of the Bulls has turned out to be more of the kind of shock you get when someone you thought would be fun to get drunk with passes out on your couch and pisses all over it. Not the good kind. The Bulls have to pull the trigger and get someone who can either motivate the team differently or get a vet that can right the ship with some consistent shooting that is contagious without giving up their core. Hell maybe I am not even right about the core...

The team that Dusty and I have affectionately taken to calling the Ball Sacs has put together some damn good games. They beat the Spurs,the Rockets, and the Jazz. They pulled away from the Jazz with Kevin Martin out for the fourth quarter. This is phenomenal. I am beginning to wonder if Reggie Theus consistently paints the visitors locker room so that the dizzying noxious fumes from all the fresh paint and paint thinner make the other team forget that they should be beating the ever living shit out of the Ball Sacs. I really don't understand how this team has gone .500 over it's last ten games. This is a team that has John Salmons playing extensive minutes and making them look smart for it. Beno Udrih is one of the few guys that the Spurs have made a personnel mistake with in the last few years. The Ball Sacs might be able to play, I cannot help but wonder how this has happened or how long it can continue to happen.

The good surprise this year would be the Orlando Magic with the beta version of Shaq. The Rashard Lewis move looked Ok at best given the massive price tag, but no one could have predicted that they would start this hot. The thing is Howard looks like he can keep this up, and really there is no reason that he should not. There was a debate when this guy came out whether or not he was going to be better than Emeka Okafor, and now I don't think anyone would debate this now. Howard is damn good, but more than that I think this is Stan Van Gundy giving Pat Riley the ol' eat shit and die for taking my title routine. Stan Van Gundy is taking this roster that petered out big time last year plus Rashard Lewis and making them look like a legit contender in the East. This team plays pretty well against the West actually. They beat the Warriors in OT last night in what was one of the best games of the regular season so far. Capt'n Jack deserves his own story.

Denver I don't think I was too far off on, and they could continue to play at a high level if Melo doesn't flip shit and sucker punch someone this year.

A funny note on the Ball Sacs, err... Kings vs Jazz game. One of the commentators referred to Memo Okur as a Turkey product. He is from Turkey, but I would love to see him sponsor something from Jenny-O or Pilgrim's Pride.

More to come... The Captain signing off.

Saturday Night Fever

By referencing a John Travolta movie I might be dooming this column, especially since I have never even been able to sit all the way through this movie. However, there really aren't many good Saturday titles to steal. I mean I am not going to use an Elton John song to lable my column for Christ Sakes. Although I would love to see the Mavs play by play announcer refer to Avery Johnson a the tiny dancer on the sidelines. This week has seen some interesting developments.

Carmelo Anthony tried to choke slam that guy on the Lakers no one had ever paid any attention to before he dropped 22 on the Nuggets earlier this week. Carmelo is going to have to grow out of this even if he is from Baltimore. He would have been the MVP last year if he had not been suspended for fifteen games. I firmly believe this. I understand the NBA's suspension rules given the Auburn Hills incident, but if you remember it was not that long ago that the Knicks and Heat games were sure fire slugfest. Charles Oakley hasn't been out of the league so long either. Speaking of the Knicks.

I really didn't want to even touch this one, but damn I guess it is obligatory. This was the most embarassing lost in league history, nevermind the fact that Nate Robinson's heave at the end saved them from the technicality. I wish I could get paid the money that Isiah Thomas gets paid to be that bad at my job. It is his job to make sure that the Knicks know which nights there games are, and these guys looked worse than the Varsity Blues squad after a night with Ms. Davis. Thomas has become a parody of himself. If the Knicks were smart they would petition David Stern to dissolve their team this summer and start over with an expansion draft. If he could set it up where they got Ewing back in the day he could do this right. The people of New York would be forever greatful.

Durant dropped 35 last night. Kevin Durant is just smooth. The kid is going to be amazing, and the Celtics fans cheering their new big three will in the end still be pissed that this year's draft didn't play out differently. I am realtively convinced that David Stern stepped in on this one too after the Ping Pong balls didn't bounceright and forced Danny Ainge to make some moves that were more dramatic than fogging a mirror. The NBA could not have the Knicks and the Celtics suck as bad as they did last season simultaneously again. This would have been horrific for Stern who knows that the marquee east coast teams need to be big in order for the league to match his vision. Back to Durant. He has the potential to be the best scorer in the league with in the next two years because he can score from some many different ways. When he was at Texas he was as good as Melo was in his year at Cuse, but he had now Gerry Mc to take them into the final four. Durant will shoot a bad percentage this year, but will be above forty percent from the field by next year once his moves catch up to the speed of the NBA game.

Golden State has recovered from their Jackless start. Stephen Jackson is terrifying. He is the man that makes sure that no one tries to tweak the fantastic Mr. Glass, also known as Baron Davis. Davis is damn good, but the over and under for him staying on the floor past January has to make Warriors fans nervous. Everyone already knows that I am a fan of Kelenna Azkubuike. The Jason Richardson move might still come back to haunt them because he was the guy that led this team who was not crazy. Davis is not the leader of this team even if he is the heart of it. Baron will play his ass off, and he should take the last shot of the game. He still doesn't keep the ducks in a row the way that Richardson once did and Jackson does when he isn't too busy giving officials the stink eye.

The Hornets are all on the floor, quick go knock on wood. They look good too. I love to watch this team for a couple of reasons. CP3 is the obvious one, but there are some others too. David West is a big man who can really play, especially when he can funnel people to the beta version of Ben Wallace, Tyson Chandler. They worked out the personality programming issues on the beta version and he is capable of throwing the ball in basket at a clip better than the starting center for the Washington Generals. The next reason is that Peja is becoming Jeff Hornacek. He is doing the long hair come over that is cemented with hair gel. They have the same sweet shooting touch, but Peja if you remeber Peja actually has the ability to average twenty a game. He has not done it recently, but if he can stay healthy (along with Paul, West, Chandler, and Jackson) I wouldn't count New Orleans out in the West as a first rounder nobody wants to see. The Southwest is gruesome. If the Hornets were still in Charlotte with this line up then they would be a top three seed easy.

Worst nick names in the NBA... sorry for the lack of a transition. Here is the first installment of this list, feel free to add, I'm sure Dusty will.

Red Rocket- The Spurs commentators call this man the Red Rocket without apology every game. I guess it's slightly better than lipstick. Still South Park pops in mind every time.

J-Ho- Josh Howard cannot like this name. This also speaks to the larger point that the people who call games need to quit smashing the first letter of someone's first name with the first half of their last name. It was never all that cool, and it is really taken on a life of its own. This should be stopped.

Scal- Brian Scalabrine doesn't really even warrant a nickname, not that Matt Bonner does, but this sounds too much like scab.

Black Mamba- for reasons already mentioned in this space.

Starbury- this man is no longer a star. Let's not give him any reason to think more highly of himself than he already does.

More to come... the Captain signing off for now.

Not Wasted Wednesday

Some thoughts here for your Wednesday reading enjoyment. First off Dusty's confusion over Marquis Daniel's hair is justified. Speaking of hair in the league, or a lack there of, I really want to send Ginobli some of the Ronco hair spray paint for his bald spot. This would be a great commercial too, Manu and Ron Pompeil talking about the product and spraying each other's head. Then close ups during the game would show the spray bleeding as Manu sweats black bullets. Ok enough of that.

How bad are the Wiz without Hibachi! Gil Arenas is like a crazy girlfriend who is super hot, but basically the harmless kind of crazy. Let me clarify, if you were going to continue this analogy we are talking the kind of crazy girlfriend who screams out state capitols during sex. Not the kind of girl who decides that she no longer likes your clothes and starts giving them to Goodwill one piece at a time over a few weeks until you begin to wander why in the hell you have no laundry and your closet is empty. The kind of girl who dresses up like Rainbow Bright and... Not the kind of girl who throws dishes at you after you didn't wash them. You get the point. So for those of you who don't like Gil you have to learn how to embrace the crazy because the Wizards have no one else on that team that can finish games or cause other teams to completely fall apaprt because they cannot guard him. Antwan Jamison will get numbers, but he won't win games on his own. Clock down to three seconds Gil shakes his man and from thirty feet... Montpelier! Get well soon Gil.

The Wiz are about as bad as the Suns are when Steve Nash is not on the floor. The Suns look lost when Nash isn't on the floor. They don't have a back up point guard. They really don't play a back up point guard, who does this? No one that's who. Why haven't the Suns won a championship because no one can give Steve Nash a break and keep the other team from making a run. Yes you can talk about the suspensions last year, but the fact that no one can spell Nash is the reason that Suns cannot get to the Finals. They couldn't have traded Kurt Thomas for a serviceable low price back up? For a smart team this is pretty damn stupid. I am in an analogy mood. This is like buying a Ducati motorcycle with all of the ammenities. This is the sweetest little speed bike you can imagine, and you live in the desert so it is ideal. However, even in the desert it rains. You don't own a car. Not even a beater, so that you have something with a roof for when the rain comes. Shit you didn't even buy rain gear. Somehow if you are the Suns it flash floods in May every year and you never learn your lesson.

Steve Francis is proving that he is worth twenty minutes a night at least. Rafer can be serviceable at twenty minutes a night (even though Mike James should take those minutes). I don't even know why I condoned Rafer at all, I will continue to use this space to dog him from here on out until he wins some critical games instead of making you want to throw the remote through the TV. Steve can be the spark plug on this team. For twelve minutes in the first half Steve remembered who he was. He may not play like Stevie Franchise anymore, but he can still make some shots, pick some pockets, and make you lean forward in your seat. If he learns to follow his shot again we are looking at a dangerous man once again. If you remember this is a guy that used to average more than five rebounds a game. He will never jump out of the gym again, but he is smarter now and makes better decisions. Taking the foul to give and calling for a two for one in the second half on consecutive plays are not things he would not have done in the past. The passes he is making now that he is getting some minutes are down right impressive. The man made the game winning shot. If Rafer Alston had taken this shot I would still be picking up pieces of broken glass. Steve is back, and back in force. Remember other than not being over seven feet tall and not being Chinese he is exactly like Yao Ming, look this old gem up in Sports Illustrated.

Carlos Boozer is dominant. This is a large man making some large plays. Another Cleveland flub, but to be fair he did lie on that one. Anyway, the fact is that the Utah Jazz are going to continue to be good when Boozer is on the floor because he can shoot the midrange and flat out clear the paint out when he needs to do it.The spacing that the Jazz can get with Okur and Boozer on the floor is amazing. Deron Williams could drive a truck through those holes. Too bad for the people in Salt Lake City that Jerry Sloan cannot figure out how to get along with AK. AK remember is one of the most versatile players in the league when he isn't opining for the Motherland. Even though it is one of the more pointless exercises in sports lets think about the teams that passed on Boozer in the draft. Literally every team in the league passed on this man. This isn't should someone have picked him up earlier in the first round... he went in the second round. Let's think about this, a big man who dominated in college could not possibly help a team out in the pros. Power forwards who can play like this are few and far between. They should not be the sixth pick in the second round. Amare Stoudemire and Yao Ming are the only other big men in this draft even worth mentioning in the same breath and they were both top ten picks.

On a sadder note condolensces to the family of Sean Taylor. This was truly pointless.

The Captain signing off.

Wasting a Tuesday

A responsible person would spend their evening finishing up things for work. This same responsible person might also start planning for work tomorrow. Those things would be accomplished by a responsible person. An irresponsible person would spend the evening watching basketball and making the following observations:

-The Hawks and the Bulls showed up in Chicago and a college basketball game broke out. Halftime score was Hawks - 30 Bulls - 34

-The average alcoholic/drug abusing basketball fan might actually mistake this for a college game. Former college standouts seen on the court thus far: Kirk Heinrich, Tyrus Thomas, Joakim Noah, Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Chris Duhon, Al Horford, Marvin Williams, Josh Childress and Josh Childress' afro.

-Speaking of Josh Childress' afro, isn't it amazing? It seems like such a throwback. Everytime I see him on the court I feel like I should see him taking outlet passes from Bill Walton or throwing up dimes to Walt Clyde Frazier. Now that I mention hair...

-Have you seen Marquis Daniels current..ehem...style? I'm searching for words to describe this...this...coiffure. It's like he made pony tails all over his head and pulled them back together on the crown of his head then pilled the various strands on top of each other in random fashion (see how confused I am? Do you see the run-on sentence I just wrote trying to describe it?). The pile of hair he has makes me think of a samurai's hairstyle, but I have absolutely no idea why it makes me think of that...

-Inexplicable NBA ad #3,467. "Come see your Nuggets play! See A.I! Melo! Najera!" I swear I didn't make that last part up. I like Eddie Najera, really I do, but isn't Marcus Camby a bigger star? Hell, even Linas Kleiza is more exciting as a player. Najera is like a slightly more talented and less prone to grimacing Mark Madsen. I did just find this out though, he makes JUST shy of $5 million this year. I wish I was making that up. Speaking of over paid...

-Travis Diener is like that prick you played against in Y-League that you KNEW wasn't better than you. He just happened to be a better ball handler, passer, scorer, a little faster and...shit.

-The Nuggets dancers are wearing some little pink and white ensemble that is just, Sweet Jesus, I gotta go.

-Dusty

Singles

I referenced a bad movie from the early nineties not too long ago in Reality Bites... For some unknown reason there is a debate about whether Singles or Reality Bites is better. Cameron Crowe's involvement in Singles is the reason that a movie that features cameos by Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, and Tim Burton is not remembered in the Pantheon of nineties movies. Engaging in this debate is somewhat inane. They both suck, but in the spirit of that debate (if Chuck Klosterman can do it why can't I) I am going to let you know about some of the best Singles in the league to this point.

Kevin Martin- This guy plays for what might be one of the worst teams in recent memory not GM'd by Billy King or Isiah Thomas. These guys rely on Ron Artest to be their guide, and I am struggling to think of a guide that has been this bad since the Donner Party. Too bad we will never get a chance to see John Candy play Ron Artest in a movie. Kevin Martin is scoring 25 points a game. How long can this last when defenses have to worry about respecting Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur Rhahim? I am sure Reggie Theus can figure out a way to get these guys to at least feed their dogs if he can impose a curfew. Martin though is a genuine talent, and another one of those guys that can just flat out move with the ball in his hands. For that matter he can move without it in his hands. This guy looks like another Rip Hamilton in the making if anyone on his team figures out how to set a screen and give him the ball in open space to shoot. Some team needs to figure out what it will take for Sacramento to make a trade to get this guy some print in an article that more than a dozen people will read. This guy is so money and no one even knows it.

I know I am supposed to maintain a theme using the Singles references, but I cannot in good faith make references to a Cameron Crowe movie for an entire column. I mean I hated myself for wanting to call Kevin Martin Almost Famous. Lets just change this focus to great individual starts for the season. I feel better about myself even though that is a lame title, at least you know I am not obligated to completely fuck up the end of the piece as Crowe seems to find a way to do with pretty much every movie you want to name.

Kelenna Azkubuike- 15 pts and 5 rbds a game. Another undrafted Kentucky product, ala Chuck Hayes, who has been passed around like a bad case of the clap, is making Golden State look smart for picking him up here. He has been cut twice, and word has it that both the Cavaliers and Rockets tried to patent his ass as a seat warmer and sell the rights to Cadillac before they sent him packing after a smattering of preseason games. You think Cleveland does not need someone who can score the ball and play hard every evening. I wonder how many times a week Lebron James lights paper sacks full of dog crap on fire at Danny Ferry's doorstep? If I were Lebron I would do this after every loss, and I wouldn't bother to run. This guy comes from a group of players that Ferry's Midas touch has sent to other teams without getting any compensation for what so ever. Awesome. Azkubuike is going to be good enough to get minutes with Stephen Jackson back in the line up as John Hollinger astutely points out in his surprises column. To show you that I am not going to copy Hollinger's list I am going to mix it up here.

Kobe Bryant- Ok I lied maybe I am going to take a Cameron Crowe approach here and use over used plot device/subject that people can't argue with in the middle of the piece, but stay with me. Bryant has not been so great for what he has done, but what he hasn't. Needy superstar, yes. Player, a Bigger Yes. Bryant has put up his numbers and made his teammates better, and last time I checked the Lakers should still suck according to Kobe's assesment of the team this summer. Bryant could kill this team if he wanted to, and force a trade out of LA like Vince Carter and Alonzo Morning did in Toronto. Kobe likes to win though, and the thought of sitting back like Vince did to force a trade makes Kobe Beatrix Kiddo angry. He might decide to assasinate the rest of the league Black Mamba style in spite of Mitch Kupchak and not because of him. Kobe's abduction of this nickname is still unforgivable though. However thinking about Kobe wanting to be a six foot tall blonde woman make me laugh. My point stands though. Kobe could have submarined this team, and the Lakers could have started the way that we all expected them to when Kobe was being more vocal about his lack of a supporting cast.

Rafer Alston for being the only player in the league paid by every other team. Rafer flat out kills the Rockets when he is on the floor even when his numbers don't show it. Steve has proved he can be better, on this very night. Rafer is worth a draft pick right now for a team that needs someone who can dribble into traps and shoot 21% on threes. Someone will take him. Even if they won't, Adleman needs to bench him to send a message to the team that is mired in a losing stretch that cannot really be condoned given this team's roster. If you run another team wouldn't you pay Rafer Alston pay well enough to make sure that he just played the way he always has at crucial points in the game. I am imagining other teams in the league convincing Alston to take a pill that makes him totally oblivious to all the film available film of Rockets games that should convince him to pass the damn ball and stay out of corners. They pay him enough to make his salary not worth enough to play well when it matters for the Rockets.

Dwayne Wade. The man called out The Big Lazy and everyone agreed. Wade has an opportunity here. It is obvious that his team cannot win without him. He will dictate the Heat's performance as long as he play in South Beach. This guy can flat out change the game by talking about it. Shaq came out to play early in the season for the first time in years.

Dwight Howard is the next Shaq. The Magic should start playing all of their games in the old pin stripe black uniforms when Shaq was breaking backboards for the fun of it. Shaq used to be a show stopper because he broke the show. Howard is damn good. He needs to be more like Shaq and less like Tim Duncan in demeanor because his team is more like Shaq's. Meaning his GM can only find one or two decent guys to put around him instead of the R.C. Buford model of finding a lot of good players to put around the best player in basketball. Howard could be the best player in a couple years. This something to watch. The man can jump. He can flat out play both ends of the game. This guy could be better than every other in the game.

Here are a few great people to watch starting this season. More to come soon. This had to be less painful than a Cameron Crowe production. The Captain siging off.

Missing the Story

They always say that only two things are certain in life, death and taxes. If I were to go with a similar theme, there are two things that always raise my blood pressure. This is not a good sign considering I'm supposed to make it to the ripe old age of forty-two before I have a massive heart attack. The two things that hasten my demise are Sean Hannity and sports radio.

Sean Hannity is not worth my time to criticize in this particular space, so lets shift the focus to the other part of media I find infinitely exasperating. I never understood the fascination with celebrity gossip. It always seemed shallow and to be completely useless discussion. I used to think this was a particularly female infatuation, then I realized that sports radio fills this gap for the remainder of the population. This particular kind of media is ridiculous for the same reasons that CNN, Fox News and the like are ridiculous. I could sit her and offer you analysis of a daily event until I am blue in the face, but it does not mean I SHOULD. There's simply not enough news for the 24 hour cycle. Actually that may be untrue. There is enough news, but 24 hour networks chose about four stories and BEAT THEM TO DEATH. Sports media (particularly sports radio) is an even worse offender in a similar manner. Cable news networks are guilty of being terrible because they do no properly cover the news of the world in their seemingly endless amount of air time. Sports media is guilty for not even beating to death all the stories in the major sports, let along ALL sports.

When I turned on the radio today, for some foolish reason, I heard the following topics discussed for about two hours:

1. KU vs. Missouri on saturday
2. Nick Saban comparing his team's consecutive loses to the attack on Pearl Harbor and 9-11.
3. NFL football (in some capacity, it all blends together in my head at this point).


Now, I will not for one second profess that Nick Saban unbelievably comparing his team's failures to the act of aggression that provoked the United States involvement in World War II and a horrific terrorist attack on the United States is not the biggest story in sports today. Hell, it might be worth noting on national news. If you don't think his comments were inappropriate and totally out of line, then you take sports WAY to seriously. If that's the case, you should definitely go drink something toxic, beer...or possibly Drano.

The reason I am upset is that everyone still managed to overlook one of the most important stories of the day, nay, MONTH.

Joey Crawford was one of the officials for the Spurs and Hawks game on Tuesday night!

Confused? Let me rehash the events of last spring that make this so compelling.

Sometime in early April as the NBA is closing in on the end of the regular season and the begining of the playoffs, the Spurs and Mavs play their final game of the season against each other. This game was originally billed to be important because leading up to the game their records were close enough that it might be a game for home court advantage in the playoffs. Well, the Mavs got on a little role and the Spurs ended up being too far behind to really compete for home court, however this was still a game in one of the, if not the biggest, rivalries in the NBA.

Somewhere towards the end of the game the calls appeared (at least to TIm Duncan) to be a little frivilous and his displeasure showed through on his face. Joey Crawford, being one of the league's biggest assholes, decided Mr. Duncan was showing him up, so he rang him up for a technical foul. Duncan, the rest of the Spurs and even some of the Mavs seemed a little bit surprised at the T, but Duncan moved himself to the bench and Dallas took the foul shot. On a possession right after Duncan's first technical, another foul is called on the Spurs. Well, Duncan thinks the Spurs are getting hosed, so, while sitting on the bench, he laughs and claps his hands. Catfish (Joey Crawford's nickname, check out his physique it makes sense) decides Duncan is showing him up and gives him a SECOND technical foul. This results in an automatic ejection and Tim Duncan is ejected from a game WHILE SITTING ON THE BENCH.

This whole sequence seemed really out of sorts. Kicking out Tim Duncan from a game for what was essentially trash talking is like saying, "Get that damn mime out of here. He's too loud!"

After the game the whole story really starts to emerge. First of all, as Duncan left the court, it was fairly easy to read Duncan's lips when he said, to Catfish, "You're a piece of shit." This seems out of character for Duncan.

We find out after the game from Duncan as well as Spurs and Mavs players that Mr. Crawford repeatedly asked Duncan if he "wanted to fight." Duncan also says in an interview that Crawford has had it out for him for a long time.

Now I realize to the less devoted fans of the league it's hard to understand this, but if you follow the league, you KNOW who Joey Crawford is. He's an asshole, and he has been accused repeatedly of trying to make himself the focus of a game.

As a result of the incident, Crawford (one of the longest serving NBA refs) is removed from the league, no more regular season games and no more playoff games. He applied for and was granted reinstatement over the summer.

I suppose this leads me to my summary. Since Crawford worked the Spurs game tonight (which I believe was his first one this season) how was this NOT a story?

The real answer is that sports media, like celebrity media, is directed specifically for stupid people. Alright everyone, get you bag of popcorn and sit on the couch. I'm sure your afternoon will go something like this:

"AWESOME! That guy just got his leg ripped off. Stupid running back! Hahahahaha!" jumping up and down on the couch.

"Shhhhh. I'm trying to read about Brad Pitt's new romance!" giggles. Wets self.


-Dusty

More credit deserved

When I think about deserving more credit, I usually think about the fact that Washington Mutual does not appreciate me. In sports though people talk about players deserving more credit or not getting the credit they deserve. I say bullshit. The professionals that suit up and don't get enough credit in major sports can get any line of credit they want, much less deserve. So if a credit score determines your worth in the society we live in as it too often does I would say that what deserves more credit are random events in sports. While we usually cover only the best sport in the world I am going to mention events from all major professional sports...

This post is honor of Baron Davis's dead ball last night, and a recent conversation with some friends. If a player puts a shot up and it sits on the rim without moving this needs to be rewarded. Stuck in between the rim and the board we will give five points, but really the big one is still on the rim not moving. If the ball sits up on the back of the rim without moving the player who put that ball up there should have won the game for his team. I have played and watched this sport for years and have only seen a ball come to rest on a rim once at a playground. Not wedged. Just sitting up there. If you can do this on purpose in a game you win. You are the little kid in Big Daddy. This should not happen. Another one to give the Alonzo Morning's of the world inspiration, blocking the ball into the second level. That would be far cooler than catching a homerun.

Another you win if it happens. The Sandlot. You bust the guts out of a baseball and you win. F-o-r-e-v-e-r. This is a great myth the cover a ball has to be tattered and going through the early stages of dry rot for a mortal to do this. If you can do it you win. Another ideal, you stick the ball in the padding on the outfield wall and it isn't a ground rule double it is three runs. This never happens. People would probably just change the padding on fences though. I would love to see pros going up agaisnt the plywood fences that I was expected to run into as an adolescent. They hurt.

Football's Alien moment of "Game over man, Game over" happened this weekenend too. Hit the back of a an up right after going through the uprights you win. Noted that if this rule passed everyone would go back to the old H's. However, if you can hit the support bar that holds up the uprights you should win. Kickers who are good don't lob kicks they drill them. This would change the approach drastically. Kickers would be lobbing shit like cannon fodder in the old DOS computer game trying to hit that thing. Pats up twenty and the kick is up end over end, it's a rainbow... back support... ding... Dolphins win!Dolphins win!

Hockey... Nobody watches but I'll say it. A full sentence with proper syntax being uttered by a player in English. During the game though, it would be someone getting an American audience to watch. Maybe if there were holes in the ice that randomly appeared to create power plays. NasCar banks on this type of catastrophic event to get ratings. Lord knows no one should give a shit about someone turning left for five hundred miles in a car that was made in America. I am saying the equivalent in Hockey would be someone ripping the net with a goal, or breaking a cross bar for the goal with a shot.

These are the four major one sports. George Carlin had some great suggestions too.


The Captain signing off.

Reality Bites and Silver Linings

To those of you that read our blog, Dusty and I would like to apologize for not posting in awhile. We like to dillute ourselves with the thought that we have fans who are affected by our lack of productivity on this site. Suffice to say I lament the fact that this job does not pay well enough to write often enough, nor does my other job. Reality Bites

Is there any team that is more injury prone than the Hornets? Every time that they seem like they are legit Chris Paul goes down. Paul is already out with a sprained ankle this year. Last year their top three players were out much of the season. Without Paul the Hornets are just as ineffective as the Rockets without T-Mac, more on that later. The Hornets were without Paul, David West, Peja Stojakovic, and Bobby Jackson for much of the year. All of these guys are gamers. Lets think about this CP3has a hance to be the next J-Kidd or Steve Nash, no relation to John, early in the season he is averaging damn near fifteen assist a game. I am not surpised either. His vision and ability to move with the ball at an amazing speed is mind blowing. The Hawks have to be happy that they have drafted a point gaurd of his caliber after passing on him... wait they didn't pick Deron Williams either. Reality Bites, but there are worse consolation prizes than Acie Law.

Speaking of speed, along with Paul there are guys that can just flat out move with the ball. Tony Parker is a known commodity, who relies less on his speed at some points now that he can shoot. Speaking of a guy who has learned how to shoot, T.J. Ford makes the Raptors so dangerous. Colangelo will have this team looking as good as the Suns shortly, and in the East that easily give you homecourt. Ford and Bosh are damn good, and while Sam Mitchell might be the coolest looking coach in the NBA you have to wonder how long he gets to use the excuse that these guys are young. Spreading the floor with Bosh inside seems like something that they don't do well all the time. This has to happen all the time if the speed of Ford's game is going to become an asset that makes people draw comparisons to Parker and Duncan (They could be that good based on talent and not probabliity). For this to happen they would have to fire the coolest looking coach and then someone comes in and uses the foundation he gave coaching the young guys and the Raptors go head to head with the Bulls in the conference finals... Reality Bites. Silver Lining... one most can't claim, their GM. Bryan Colangelo will have this team looking as good as the Suns shortly, and in the East that easily give you homecourt. The Ford move is another trade that has to be considered a fleecing since the Bucks are probably going to have to move Villanueva for less than value in the near future with Yi getting minutes and shooting over people like they were chairs. Colangelo's track record as a GM is amazing, and he can recover from mistakes by finding trade partners.See turning Kidd for Marbury into Steve Nash if Isiah Thomas figures out how to do this Satan will be prominently involved.

As mentioned earlier by Dusty the Bulls are sucking it up early. They are showing signs of life, but the Tyson Chandler for Ben Wallace decision is looking like a mistake. The aforementioned Hornets are quite happy with Chandler on the floor and Ben Wallace is slow and moody. The Bulls need to learn how the trigger on a trade for pieces that are not cornerstones like Ben Gordon or Luol Deng.They can get a vet in the locker room who can steer the ship for far less. A veteran who could come in and play while simultaneously off setting the abrasive Scott Skiles could lead this team the level their talent dictates. Good thing Scott is a flexible guy... Reality Bites. If Tom Coughlin can do it maybe Scott can, if you are a Bulls fan you have to hope so. Silver Lining... depends on Jerry Krause, which makes you nervous, but if he holds these guys together and adds a quality vet who has never been described as mercurial by a journalist and gets a guy who can trust a floor general of said caliber we are looking at Chicago dominating the East. The Raps will take longer to get better than the if Jerry Krause returns to his old old ways when a guy he surrounded with a good cast played some games that people remember.

Tracy McGrady has already missed 30% of the games played thus far. The Rockets don't win at a rate less than 30%. Rafer Alston has taken the last shot of the game the last two time the Rockets were close in a game. Reality Bites... A possible silver lining is Tracy will be back on Wednesday versus NEMESIS!!! ARCH NEMESIS!!! Silver Lining, maybe now that we can take Steve Francis's picture off a milk carton he can prove that he deserves it.

The Celtics lost. Reality Bites... Silver Lining is that people will stop comparing them to the Patriots. How annoying has this been? The Patriots have played half a season without being challenge while the Celtics have had some good bounces. The collective hard on in Boston now that the Sox won another series, The Pats will not lose unless they forfeit a game or stop drinking that shit from Harry Potter that made them Quidditch Champs, has people in Boston drinking the Kool-Aid. Bill Simmons will anoint the Celtics the champs before the All-Star game if the Celtics win at this rate for much longer. Reality Bites and a Silver Lining... Doc Rivers is coaching this squad.

Reality Bites... We all have to spend a lot of times around our relatives during a busy part of the year.

Silver Lining... No one thinks it's abnormal to eat and drink like a lush during this time a year.

Reality Bites: The Captain, signing off. Silver lining: Not for too long.

Eastern Observations

While recently bemoaning the fact that I am unable to devote my days the process of self-actualization, I happened to catch some basketball games. Here's an assortment of thoughts.

The Bulls SUCK

I realize I am the same individual who was fairly high on them on a couple of weeks ago, but I am willing to back off of that feeling for now. They beat the Pistons in a game where they seemed to be playing fairly well. Everything else has been, well, terrible.

It's not as if they have lost a bunch of close games. It really looks usually like they have no business being on the floor. Some people (Jalen Rose) have made the excuse that all the trade talk is distracting the team. Now far be it from me to question someone who actually played in the NBA, but this team has been facing trade talk fairly consistently for the last several years. Granted teams have started slowly in the past and really turned it around, but this is a grind it out kind of team (who have largely been together for several years), so it surprises me when they look like they just met out there on the court. Seriously, that team seems about as comfortable as Trent Lott at an NAACP meeting. It has to be one of the following situations:

1. General trade talk does not disrupt a team, but trade talk involving Kobe disrupts ANY team.

2. The team is frustrated because they realize the only major move management has made in the last year was to sign an offensively inept defensive stopper/post player to a team that already played very good defense who's major deficiency as a team was scoring in the post.

3. Joakim Noah scares the bejesus out of the rest of the team...I mean, it could be a reason...NEXT TOPIC!

The Boston Celtics

Ok, here's what seems to have happened wit this team. Three stars are really psyched to be playing together, everybody else has become excited as well. The whole team is groving along and playing extremely well against mediocre competition. Somewhere in January or February everyone is going to get really tired, hurt and something is going to screw up the chemistry...hopefully. (Might be time to break out the KG voodoo dolls, seriously, this is the first team I have been legitimately scared of coming from the East in years).


Cap'n Crazy's Lost his Touch

Gilbert Arenas had knee surgery over the summer that is apprently still sort of giving him trouble. I really hope turns that around. I realize he's a shoot first point guard who does not do a whole lot to make his teammates better, and I should detest him because of that. The thing is that I still enjoy his play a great deal. Agent Zero is cold blooded and really fun to watch play, usually. I nearly bought his low-top sneaker last year until a woman told me she thought it looked like it was made by Tyco...I would still kind of like to get my hands on that shoe.


I will return tomorrow with some thoughts on the bestern conference.


-Dusty

Thoughts on league pass.

One of the greatest things about League Pass is the local commentators and the commericals that you see. For instance did you know that you can still get Greg Oden bobble heads even though he won't play this season. The comment was made that the bobble head did not come with crutches or scars. I am not making this up. It isn't even a joke. Made those bobbleheads a little too soon. Or the Lakers home commentators valiantly defending Jordan Farmar pounding the ball missing an entry pass on a mismatch for Andrew Bynum and forgetting about some guy named Kobe and airballing a twenty eight foot shot. He made the only play he could they said, no wonder Kobe wants to be traded. Rockets commentators saying, "they're bringing Rafer into the game for his ball handling ability," as he dribbles toward the corner of the court. I thought point guards were supposed to avoid being trapped and turning the ball over or taking half the shot clock to create an isolation for himself when we all know he is most likely going to do his best Jordan Framar impression. Or is Rafer imitating Jordan Farmar?

It is because of such comments that Dusty and I are contemplating writing an ongoing series on local commentating teams, give a quick description of who they are and some of their pearls of wisdom. Letting you know little things like the fact Fransisco Elson is known as Cisco in San Antonio, or that the most combined turnovers by both teams in a game in which Portland was involved is 70. Why do we want you to know these things. I told you that this is not for productive people.

On another note, there is something really refreshing about watching the difference between the younger and older teams in the league play in consecutive nights. For example Portland and New Orleans played tonight. Two young teams who at times looked like college teams. Which was great in that they ran their asses off and had something to prove, but brutal in the fact that somehow the young guys mistakes seemed to rub off on vets like Peja (maybe its the rust from not really playing last year). The cool thing about this though is the young guys the commentators will tell you that they will grow out of it. Where as when vets make mistakes in games like Houston vs San Antonio the commentators talk about something else and abandon earlier points, "like Rafer is coming into the game for his ball-handling." As he dribbled into the corner they immediatley changed the subject.

There are many more of these gems forthcoming. A night cap from the Captain.

Random thoughts from the first week, not even slightly related

Opening week and the sports world is back on track again. It's been great. Some observations.

1) Chris Kaman needs to be in one of those new Snickers commercial with the guys in costumes. He should have his bow and arrow and dress as a Valkeryie. It would go something like this:
"Did Reggie Evans grab your balls?"
"Yesss!" Chris fires an arrow across the court hitting the Clippers scoreboard.
"Did you enjoy playing in the summer league?"
"Nooo!" Fires another arrow. Sparks fly like the Natural.
"Want a Snickers?" Ok you get the ideal

2)Not enough praise can be given to the ECK. Football commentators try to be funny and they are usually not. These guys don't even hire a stand up comedian like the football shows do, and their digressions are just as entertaining as their commentary. Their on going criticism of the people running the sound board choosing background music is great. They played the "Time Warp" in the background during a Halloween game and I thought Charles was going to get up and break teh soundboard during the show. Priceless. They made up for it by giving Charles a dozen Krispy Kremes in response to a YouTube question.

3) Fans chanting for Steve Francis in the end of the Blazers game this week. How many other sports have fans that will chant Rudy style for a player that hasn't been relevant in years. Accept for the crowd in Rudy who chanted for a player who was never relevant, but that's not the point. The Rockets traded away Francis who was one of the the few bright spots for the Rockets since 1997. Though his non-stop dribbling was maddening, he was a human highlight real and "The Franchise" for a little while. Hopefully he can get on the floor and make himself relevant again, beyond being the Rockets' Rudy. They already have a Rudy, his jersey is in the rafters.

4) Kobe trade talk. This is actually getting a little annoying. I feel no need to type any more about it accept to say that Kobe is headed toward being the highest maintenance super star in the history of professional sports.

5) Joey Crawford is back. I really hope he officiates another Spurs game. It needs to happen. It needs to be hyped like a WWE match, and David Stern needs to show up to watch. Seeing Stern and Crawford in a battle royale Vince McMahon style battle would be phenomenal. Folding chairs and old men. David Stern should bring the mustache back for this.

5a- Yesssss! Chris fires an arrow of approval.

6) The young teams look like they will be good. I know I have said this already. I don't expect anyone to be terribly excited about Seattle or Portland, but if they keep it together and their GM's can continue at the rate tehy have the Pacific Northwest could rival the state of Texas. If the Seattle fans get screwed out of this someone needs to be held responisble. If you put a sub-par product on the floor for that long and then move right when there is light at the end of the tunnel that is just a shitty way to treat a fan base. This should not happen. Let Oklahoma have New Orleans, a team that they are already familiar with and that will not succeed where they are currently. That is a failed experiment. If Shinn could not get people to commit to pro basketball in the heart of ACC country he is not going to do it in a city that is recovering from one of the worst natural disasters in the history of this country.


7)Do they really need to show great moments in NBA history that are almost exclusively from the playoffs this early in the regular season?

8) Have a beer. and a Snickers. Yessss!

9) Last minute drama in the first week. On the first night the Rockets and Lakers played an intense 1:36. It is only going to get better.

10) We don't have to hear about the damn Patriots and Colts game, or the New York Yankees and A-Rod's stomach churning request for 350 million dollars. Maybe my stomach is churning from the Snickers and the beer. Nooooo!!!


The Captain

An Assortment of Slightly Related Thoughts

Occassionally I convince myself that Stephen A. Smith is not a total idiot. I think to myself, "hmm...he seems to know something about this NBA business." Then the Captain tells me that Stephen A. Smith says there are five title contenders in the East.

Really?

I mean...REALLY?

Perhaps he's saying there's about five teams the East that could make it to the finals. Ok, let's go with that assumption for a second. Let's see. He's talking about:

1. Boston (three great players, potential to sign enough role players through the season to make an unsuccessful title run).

2. Chicago (lots of great young players who get better and better as time goes on and they play great defense)

and .......

.......

I'm stumped.

Those are really the only two teams I think are going to be worth a damn if they make it to the finals.

For the sake of argument, who else could he be talking about?

3. Detroit?

Why: Because they won it in 2004 and a lot of that team is still around? They've got a decent roster I suppose, but I think the top six teams in the West would completely dismantle them. No offense to Mr. Maxiell. History seems to indicate that maybe we jumped the gun labeling Chauncey Billups as a really great player (he's good, but not the Mr. Cluth he was thought to be). Rasheed Wallace is a stud, no doubt but he's also certifiably crazy. Rip and Tayshaun are really good too, but I'm just not sold on this team as being anywhere close to good enough.

4. New Jersey?

Why: Because Jason Kidd is a badass. That's truth right there folks. Kidd's a smart enough player that he could probably still be better than half of the point guards in the league when he's fifty. Vinsanity is a good player, but I'm not sure he's enough to pull this team along. I like RJ and Kristic, but they're likable as role players, not leaders. I'm not sold on these guys as viable. They'd get destroyed by all eight West playoff teams.

who else?

(groan)

5. Miami

Why: Dwyane Wade. There's your only reason. Guess what? He's still hurt. Perhaps you're saying, "But Shaq!" To which I say, "He's too fat and too old, and the weed is much too strong if you don't believe me."

I suppose this is my transition into what I really want to write about:

The Miami Heat.

Here's a couple thoughts on the aforementioned topic:

I. The Lakers weren't stupid in trading Shaq to Miami. That was a good move. I realize Miami got a title out of it, but Shaq is on the decline and has been since he got to Miami (even before that really). The mistake the Lakers made was not getting better value back (well, at least not knowing how to use it. Who do you suppose was responsible for dumping Butler RIGHT before he turned into a badass? Let's blame Jack Nicholson.)

a.) remember when they were trying to hand Wade the Finals MVP trophy and Shaq snatched it up to hand to Wade himself? I always thought that was an insanely selfish thing to do. I suppose he was worried people would notice him at 7'2" and weighing in at 500 lbs.

speaking of dickhead moves...

II. Pat Riley taking the reigns from SVG. I never understood this manuever. Why even put up the facade that SVG wanted to spend more time with his family? Riley is considered (and justifiably so) to be one of the best coaches in NBA history. Why pretend the situation was anything else than what it really was? Here's how I imagine the press conference would've gone down if anyone was actually honest.

Riles: Thanks for being here everyone. We've come here to announce publicly that I don't give a fuck what Stan has done for the team here.

SVG: Thanks Riles.

Riles: You're welcome, tubby. Now, as I was saying, we realize that Stan took this team past the first round two years ago with a less than dazzling assortment of young and not totally developed players. Last year he managed to get us right to the cusp of the finals. So instead of letting him acheive his destiny and take this team all the way to Finals and a potential title, I'm going to stab him right in the fucking back.

SVG: You know I'm going to run you over with my car the first time you come to Orlando, right?

Riles: I'd like to go ahead and take the reigns from him here. He's going to go home now and watch me capitalise on all his hard work this June. That's right Stan, I'll be making sure that you get screwed out of any potential ring. Oh yeah, I'm coming over to fuck your mom later too. Have fun in exciting Orlando in two years.

I'll be destroying this team's future for one shot at a title now folks. Thanks so much for coming by.


Wouldn't that have been a better press conference?


For the record, I think Washington has a much better shot at the finals this season than Miami, but I'm certain that wasn't what Stephen A. was thinking.

-Dusty