This is fantastic! I love this game. Alright, I'm actually going to write something. The night that we have been waiting for since June has finally come. Dusty asked me an interesting question earlier tonight. If this country has such a short attention span how is fastest, highest scoring major sport not the most popular? I am going to ignore the answers because I don't want to start writing about racism and the fact that people just don't recognize a great product sometimes. Suffice to say I am just glad that the best major sport to watch is back into it's regular season. Here is a quick top five reasons:
1) The athleticism is far superior to baseball and football. Baseball can be played by people who are woefully out of shape. This isn't to say that it doesn't take skill to hit, pitch, throw, and play defense in baseball. Hitting is probably the hardest thing to do in sports in my opinion, at least before a diluted league expanded too fast and people started juicing. Football definitely has some of the best atheletes in the world, but there is a difference between power and the kind of agility it takes to play basketball at all five positions on the floor. Athleticism in the NBA is a must. Look at this way, tonight Bonzi Wells had a decent showing and last year in the rare event that he played he couldn't even get off the damn floor. He shed twenty five pounds in the off season and he suddenly looks like the guy that almost single-handedly demolished the Spurs a couple of years ago. Speaking of...
2) The Spurs are damn good. For the first time since the Spurs won last we have a champ that looks like they actually give a shit about repeating, and this team much more than their last championship team. Detroit and Miami were sure not to repeat, it wasn't going to happen. I think they should have insisted on wearing the rings they got in the Championship ceremony before the game, and flashing them at the camera every time they made a play that reminded you that if you thought these guys were not going to come back and be ready to kick some ass this year you were sadly mistaken. The Blazers were still surprisingly decent though...
3) LaMarcus Aldridge looked damn good. There are young teams in this league that you can tell will be good. The Blazers lost Greg Oden before the seasons started and they kept up with the best team in basketball for stretches. Aldridge in particular made Kevin Pritchard look pretty damn smart in trading Zach Randolph. These guys as Chuck said are going to be damn good soon, you better beat them now, while you can. Speaking of the Chuckster...
4) The commentating is far better. Not this is a reason to watch a sport, but Tim McCarver was like the guy in Pootytang who repeated everything during the world series, and there always at least one guy in the booth in footbal games that has had multiple concussions. The ECK is one of the best combinations in sports commentating in a long time, even when they allow Magic Johnson to interject sentence fragments about the Lakers into the conversation intermittently. Charles alone makes it worth watching the halftime shows. Tonight he called out Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti by name in the Rockets-Lakers halftime show. Priceless. They don't know much about basketball and Charles was nice enough to point that out on national television. There really are too many sports journalist who are "personalities" now. "Personalities" should be the list of people that you have been on a date with that you would willing set yourself on fire before you went out on another date with them. They were a "personality" or a void of "personality" because they were loud dipshits that thought they knew something about everything. Dusty and I would never write a column about hockey we don't know anything about it. Maybe curling because nobody knows anything about it. Basketball does have a couple. Stephen A. Smith yelling about everything is not good commentary, for fuck sakes the man claimed there were five title contenders in the East. OK, have a beer and calm down. Alright I got it. Finish the beer. The point is for the most part pro basketball commentating is better than other major sports.
5) Fifth and maybe the most important. There are fewer teams in this league that have nothing to offer. There are compelling players on almost every team. Though I dog the East constantly, there are few genuinely compelling teams in the East. Even though the top five in the West would be favored to beat who ever comes out of the East there are many players in the East that are amazing. The best player in the League that isn't demanding to leave his team and making empty threats. In case you wanted to know his name starts with L and ends with Ebron. Even a team like the Atlanta Hawks has at least four players that can be truly exciting. A mess like the Knicks has some great players. There are not many exceptions, Sacramento is the one that jumps to mind. Parity is there, and some of the great teams are not paying the luxury tax.
The Captain is checking out.
P.S.- If you couldn't get excited about the last 1:36 of the Rockets and Lakers game you couldn't fog a mirror.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Bad Times on a Friday Night
I love the NBA. Really, I do. I'll watch any game, and I respect the guys who play on every team. Lord knows I couldn't do anything even resembling what they do.
Here's the thing, there are some incredibly bad games. There are some incredibly bad teams. I suppose the bad teams and games makes up some of the charm, like "how the hell can this team be so bad and stay in the NBA?" It always seems to out of place when I watch a game like the one presently airing on ESPN.
Now I realize it's preseason, but this Lakers and Kings game would be just as bad in January or March.
Here's a hypothetical. Let's say you're a pretty serious basketball fan. Now you've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda or a crazy admirer (ala Misery). It's been five years since you last saw a basketball game. If I told you Chris Mihm was getting serious minutes on the Lakers with Kobe still playing at the 2, what would your response be? It has to be something along the lines of "What the FUCK happened?" right? I remember watching Mihm play his last year at Texas and being mostly underwhelmed.
This is the kind of player currently running the floor for the Lakers and Kings. Remember about five years ago when that was a big time match up? The times they are a changin'.
Ronny Turiaf! Francisco Garcia! Sasha Pavlovic! Shareef Abdur-Rahim!
Excited yet?
I'm not sure any of these players should ever get you excited. They're not terrible players (ok, ok, Ronny Turiaf is terrible), but the teams they're on are certainly not worth watching. Kobe's not playing (although the need to watch a game based on one player has never made much sense to me) and nothing short of Ron Artest actually dragging one of his abused dogs onto the court and shooting it in the head on live television could get me interested in one of his games anymore.
Really the only interesting thing to come out of this matchup is the fact that Mike Bibby might be out for 10 weeks, and the fact that it's not 2002 anymore seriously diminishes the importance of this for me.
-Dusty
Here's the thing, there are some incredibly bad games. There are some incredibly bad teams. I suppose the bad teams and games makes up some of the charm, like "how the hell can this team be so bad and stay in the NBA?" It always seems to out of place when I watch a game like the one presently airing on ESPN.
Now I realize it's preseason, but this Lakers and Kings game would be just as bad in January or March.
Here's a hypothetical. Let's say you're a pretty serious basketball fan. Now you've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda or a crazy admirer (ala Misery). It's been five years since you last saw a basketball game. If I told you Chris Mihm was getting serious minutes on the Lakers with Kobe still playing at the 2, what would your response be? It has to be something along the lines of "What the FUCK happened?" right? I remember watching Mihm play his last year at Texas and being mostly underwhelmed.
This is the kind of player currently running the floor for the Lakers and Kings. Remember about five years ago when that was a big time match up? The times they are a changin'.
Ronny Turiaf! Francisco Garcia! Sasha Pavlovic! Shareef Abdur-Rahim!
Excited yet?
I'm not sure any of these players should ever get you excited. They're not terrible players (ok, ok, Ronny Turiaf is terrible), but the teams they're on are certainly not worth watching. Kobe's not playing (although the need to watch a game based on one player has never made much sense to me) and nothing short of Ron Artest actually dragging one of his abused dogs onto the court and shooting it in the head on live television could get me interested in one of his games anymore.
Really the only interesting thing to come out of this matchup is the fact that Mike Bibby might be out for 10 weeks, and the fact that it's not 2002 anymore seriously diminishes the importance of this for me.
-Dusty
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sleepers are trendy this time of year
Alright boys and girls. There are four teams in the West this year that are going to be damn good. Not just good, but scary good. The West will come down to who is healthy at the right times. Surviving injuries will and playing well down the stretch means that one of the following four teams will win the title: Spurs, Rockets, Suns, and Mavs(they won't win but I am obliged to include a team that won 67 games last year). So who could thwart these teams that have championship caliber pedigrees. I will give you one from the West and one from the East, though any team from the East is a darkhorse or sleeper since the East sucks.
Denver
This is an easy pick in the West. The AI and Melo combo was damn good last April as every analyst on ESPN will tell you they were 10-1. That is a dman good mark at any pint in the season, but especially that late in the season. They really could not be expected to keep up with the Spurs at the end of last season given the limited amount of time that the team had to coalesce. This year they have Kenyon Martin back. This is my X-factor (and everyone else's) for this team. The Bad Ass Yellow Boy, as he has tattooed himself, is a player that only a few years ago had several teams dying to give him a max contract. The Nuggets paid a high price for the Cinci bruiser who has undergone microfracture surgery on both knees over the last two seasons. If your a Denver fan this really sucks, but Martin and AI are really the only two guys that have been primary cogs on successful playoffs teams on the Denver roster. If Martin's health holds this is the deepest front court in the league with Anthony, Nene, Martin, and Camby as the top four front line guys. All of these guys were top ten picks and have justified those positions in the draft to varying degrees based on their health.
There is a component to this team that could be like the NCAA UAB team from a few years ago or any succesful U of Cincinatti team given the roster. These are some rough fellows, which they can play to their advantage against almost any team. The Martin and AI tandem is sure to account for at least fifteen technical fouls over the course of the season. Not Steve Francis techs, but techs that mean the ref is literally intimidated by the man spurting profanities at them like Old Faithful. These two guys are mean and that is part of their game. Melo is a superstar now which helps this if he doesn't sucker punch anyone to the tune of fifteen games this year. Plus they have this generation's version of Ricky Davis in J.R. Smith, who has actually been charged with shit that Ricky never has been. However, the striking similarities in headcase shooting guards is uncanny. Smith was stolen by the Nuggets much as Davis has been passed off multiple times in his career. He could be the actual X factor. If Martin is even 75% we know what he is. If Smith can concentrate long enough not to fly into the perverbial bug zapper of dipshit decisions a la J.R. Rider we are looking at a steal of a deal at the shooting guard. Smith could be the guy that makes defenses really shake when it comes to matching up with the Nuggets. Without him the Nuggets have to make a trade to get someone that can actually shoot the three, which means they likely have to give up one of their coveted front court assets. Otherwise they are praying that the Rockets cut Steve Novak who they can play as a 6'10" SF and it won't matter if he can't play defense because the Nuggets have no conscience anyway.
Note: We really are remisce for not covering NBA cuts because one man's garbage is anothe man's gold. Look at JVG cutting Chuck Hayes last year only to have the Rocket's extend him for four years this off-season. Numerous other examples, this is part of your homework... make it step 12b.
Have another beer.
As I said, in the East everyone is a sleeper to win it all. Even the Celts will not win it all unless the tides shift in Day After Tomorrow proportions. The Cavs have effectively treated Lebron James worse than the Eagles have treated Donovan McNabb. James has never had the NBA equivalent sidekicks of Westbrook and TO for a season. So that really leave the team that I think should win the East if they can play through the season without making an ignorant trade due to outside pressure. The Chicago Bulls.
This team is like New Jersey a few years ago. If we think about this there are have been few teams of late with so many college standouts playing together. Deng, Heinrich, Gordon, and Thomas with the European standout. in Chi-town are impressive. With a relatively adjusted Ben Wallace alloweed to wear headbands without any impediments we are looking at the teams that should be a beast in the East. The combo of Kittles, Van Horn, and the afforementioned Martin the Nets were great for the East, granted Chicago's vet in Wallace is not Jason Kidd we are looking at one of the better teams on paper that the East has had in years. Thabo and Noccioni should make strides this year. I am sure of this.
The Bulls have been rumored in many trade scenarios. If they can actually get Kobe then all bets are off because a motivated Kobe in a new place with a marginal cast in the East is scary. I don't see this happening though. Pau Gasol could not win this team a championship any more than Dirk has won a championship in Dallas. If you are counting that is two shots at the Mavs in this post so far. I might be done (twitching uncontrollably). The Bulls should lock up all of their young pieces at bargain rates if possible and throw in a vet at the trade deadline who can make a difference. I bet the Clips will be looking to trade Cassell at the deadline, which would be an addition at the end that could put a young team over the brink the East. Sam I am is admittedly slow at this point, but the Bulls need a cocky old guy to put them over the edge. Anyone of the like could prove the point I am trying to make here.
The Captain's sleepers. Signing off says I.
Denver
This is an easy pick in the West. The AI and Melo combo was damn good last April as every analyst on ESPN will tell you they were 10-1. That is a dman good mark at any pint in the season, but especially that late in the season. They really could not be expected to keep up with the Spurs at the end of last season given the limited amount of time that the team had to coalesce. This year they have Kenyon Martin back. This is my X-factor (and everyone else's) for this team. The Bad Ass Yellow Boy, as he has tattooed himself, is a player that only a few years ago had several teams dying to give him a max contract. The Nuggets paid a high price for the Cinci bruiser who has undergone microfracture surgery on both knees over the last two seasons. If your a Denver fan this really sucks, but Martin and AI are really the only two guys that have been primary cogs on successful playoffs teams on the Denver roster. If Martin's health holds this is the deepest front court in the league with Anthony, Nene, Martin, and Camby as the top four front line guys. All of these guys were top ten picks and have justified those positions in the draft to varying degrees based on their health.
There is a component to this team that could be like the NCAA UAB team from a few years ago or any succesful U of Cincinatti team given the roster. These are some rough fellows, which they can play to their advantage against almost any team. The Martin and AI tandem is sure to account for at least fifteen technical fouls over the course of the season. Not Steve Francis techs, but techs that mean the ref is literally intimidated by the man spurting profanities at them like Old Faithful. These two guys are mean and that is part of their game. Melo is a superstar now which helps this if he doesn't sucker punch anyone to the tune of fifteen games this year. Plus they have this generation's version of Ricky Davis in J.R. Smith, who has actually been charged with shit that Ricky never has been. However, the striking similarities in headcase shooting guards is uncanny. Smith was stolen by the Nuggets much as Davis has been passed off multiple times in his career. He could be the actual X factor. If Martin is even 75% we know what he is. If Smith can concentrate long enough not to fly into the perverbial bug zapper of dipshit decisions a la J.R. Rider we are looking at a steal of a deal at the shooting guard. Smith could be the guy that makes defenses really shake when it comes to matching up with the Nuggets. Without him the Nuggets have to make a trade to get someone that can actually shoot the three, which means they likely have to give up one of their coveted front court assets. Otherwise they are praying that the Rockets cut Steve Novak who they can play as a 6'10" SF and it won't matter if he can't play defense because the Nuggets have no conscience anyway.
Note: We really are remisce for not covering NBA cuts because one man's garbage is anothe man's gold. Look at JVG cutting Chuck Hayes last year only to have the Rocket's extend him for four years this off-season. Numerous other examples, this is part of your homework... make it step 12b.
Have another beer.
As I said, in the East everyone is a sleeper to win it all. Even the Celts will not win it all unless the tides shift in Day After Tomorrow proportions. The Cavs have effectively treated Lebron James worse than the Eagles have treated Donovan McNabb. James has never had the NBA equivalent sidekicks of Westbrook and TO for a season. So that really leave the team that I think should win the East if they can play through the season without making an ignorant trade due to outside pressure. The Chicago Bulls.
This team is like New Jersey a few years ago. If we think about this there are have been few teams of late with so many college standouts playing together. Deng, Heinrich, Gordon, and Thomas with the European standout. in Chi-town are impressive. With a relatively adjusted Ben Wallace alloweed to wear headbands without any impediments we are looking at the teams that should be a beast in the East. The combo of Kittles, Van Horn, and the afforementioned Martin the Nets were great for the East, granted Chicago's vet in Wallace is not Jason Kidd we are looking at one of the better teams on paper that the East has had in years. Thabo and Noccioni should make strides this year. I am sure of this.
The Bulls have been rumored in many trade scenarios. If they can actually get Kobe then all bets are off because a motivated Kobe in a new place with a marginal cast in the East is scary. I don't see this happening though. Pau Gasol could not win this team a championship any more than Dirk has won a championship in Dallas. If you are counting that is two shots at the Mavs in this post so far. I might be done (twitching uncontrollably). The Bulls should lock up all of their young pieces at bargain rates if possible and throw in a vet at the trade deadline who can make a difference. I bet the Clips will be looking to trade Cassell at the deadline, which would be an addition at the end that could put a young team over the brink the East. Sam I am is admittedly slow at this point, but the Bulls need a cocky old guy to put them over the edge. Anyone of the like could prove the point I am trying to make here.
The Captain's sleepers. Signing off says I.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Captain's Take on the Trade of the Day
In case you hadn't heard there was a trade in the East today. I am not sure that it matters since it was The Timberwolves and The Heat were the one's involved. The substance here is Ricky Davis for Antoine Walker.
If Walker wasn't motivated to get in shape while playing in the sunny confines of Miami with D-Wade and The Big Weight Loss coach himself I am sure he is going to be a model citizen in Minnesota playing with the Celtics leavings and Corey Brewer. How was Walker not on Shaq's Big Challenge with all the little kids this summer? Surely he could have learned how to stay in shape on this wonderful program. By the way I am not really sure that anything is funnier than a little kid ripping ass on Shaq, the unintentional comedy value of a 350 pound man telling kids to lose weight was one of the funnier things that a network head has signed off on in sometime, until you actual look at the TV guide channel (does anyone have paper copies of that damn thing anymore?)and realize that TMZ is on television about four times a F*cking day.
And of course the Heat get Ricky Davis... What will the night life in Miami do to Ricky Davis's spotless reputation? I am betting that we don't get too many close ups on Ricky's eye's during the season. Although he is the only legitimate scorer after Wade and Shaq on this Miami roster. Davis is a threat to give himself a Triple Double once a season, but I if I am an Eastern Conference Powerhouse (oxymoron) this isn't scaring me just yet. Chris Broussard wouldn't even give them a ringing endorsement to get out of the East. Although he says this trade is great for Miami and included taking Mark Blount as a plus somehow. Relying on Mark Blount to motivated when you just traded someone because they had motivational problems is suspect to say the least.
I would say that this is a great trade for the T-Wolves because they get two expiring contracts in Wayne Simein and Micheal Doleac to have an ungodly amount of cap space in the next couple of free agency periods. Especially since everyone wants to play with Kevin Ga... OH SHIT, how do we get people to come to Minnesota and play with a team whose top five leading scorers barely clear 100 years old combined? Juwan Howard has to be thrilled to be there. If I am the T-Wolves I am not all that sure I am going to be able to lure people with The Mall of America and sub-zero tempratures as selling points. I am sure Kevin McHale has a plan to make the Celtics better, but I am not really sure what the hell he is doing with the T-Wolves seeing as they won't be leaving the Western Conference anytime soon. The approach he is taking with stockpiling young talent has been successul in Chicago because the East sucks, and people don't absolute loathe the thought of Chicago the way they do Minnesota. Every team in the West has traded or signed a marquee name to make the playoffs. I guess there is hope if the Jazz were able to get Carlos Boozer to Utah, but the Cavs don't have anyone left and not everyone is comfortable with fleecing a blind man.
All in all I say the trade probably helps the Heat more, but I don't think either teams is going to shock us with their progress as a result of this one. I will predict that the ever ailing Heat are going to regret including that first round pick. I would say that having 'Toine as a role model for the youth movement might hurt the Wolves but they jettisoned two guys who aren't exactly known for professionalism and decorum.
This is the Captain signing off for now.
If Walker wasn't motivated to get in shape while playing in the sunny confines of Miami with D-Wade and The Big Weight Loss coach himself I am sure he is going to be a model citizen in Minnesota playing with the Celtics leavings and Corey Brewer. How was Walker not on Shaq's Big Challenge with all the little kids this summer? Surely he could have learned how to stay in shape on this wonderful program. By the way I am not really sure that anything is funnier than a little kid ripping ass on Shaq, the unintentional comedy value of a 350 pound man telling kids to lose weight was one of the funnier things that a network head has signed off on in sometime, until you actual look at the TV guide channel (does anyone have paper copies of that damn thing anymore?)and realize that TMZ is on television about four times a F*cking day.
And of course the Heat get Ricky Davis... What will the night life in Miami do to Ricky Davis's spotless reputation? I am betting that we don't get too many close ups on Ricky's eye's during the season. Although he is the only legitimate scorer after Wade and Shaq on this Miami roster. Davis is a threat to give himself a Triple Double once a season, but I if I am an Eastern Conference Powerhouse (oxymoron) this isn't scaring me just yet. Chris Broussard wouldn't even give them a ringing endorsement to get out of the East. Although he says this trade is great for Miami and included taking Mark Blount as a plus somehow. Relying on Mark Blount to motivated when you just traded someone because they had motivational problems is suspect to say the least.
I would say that this is a great trade for the T-Wolves because they get two expiring contracts in Wayne Simein and Micheal Doleac to have an ungodly amount of cap space in the next couple of free agency periods. Especially since everyone wants to play with Kevin Ga... OH SHIT, how do we get people to come to Minnesota and play with a team whose top five leading scorers barely clear 100 years old combined? Juwan Howard has to be thrilled to be there. If I am the T-Wolves I am not all that sure I am going to be able to lure people with The Mall of America and sub-zero tempratures as selling points. I am sure Kevin McHale has a plan to make the Celtics better, but I am not really sure what the hell he is doing with the T-Wolves seeing as they won't be leaving the Western Conference anytime soon. The approach he is taking with stockpiling young talent has been successul in Chicago because the East sucks, and people don't absolute loathe the thought of Chicago the way they do Minnesota. Every team in the West has traded or signed a marquee name to make the playoffs. I guess there is hope if the Jazz were able to get Carlos Boozer to Utah, but the Cavs don't have anyone left and not everyone is comfortable with fleecing a blind man.
All in all I say the trade probably helps the Heat more, but I don't think either teams is going to shock us with their progress as a result of this one. I will predict that the ever ailing Heat are going to regret including that first round pick. I would say that having 'Toine as a role model for the youth movement might hurt the Wolves but they jettisoned two guys who aren't exactly known for professionalism and decorum.
This is the Captain signing off for now.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Steps 8-12
8. Pick up on the finer points of the game. Any casual fan may know that Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams have brought back the Stockton to Malone "pick 'n row" (ala Doc Rivers), but you could pick up that Boozer always (and I mean always) has a perfectly shaped oval of deodorant clumped under each arm pit during every game. Also, it may be my horrific colorblindness, but I do believe Boozer's shoes seem to have some of that Carolina blue on them. You can keep up in a conversation by interjecting that Dallas folded like a lawn chair last year when the Warriors forced them to use a post scorer (which they don't have), but you can win yourself some followers with a keene observation about how Jason Williams looks like a cancer patient with his head shaved, or maybe you'll earn yourself a spot in hell. We'll just have to wait and see.
9. Learn obscure and relatively useless statistics for use in conversations with other basketball junkies. You could learn that Tony Parker typically gets owned by larger, stronger guards. That way you'll be able to smirk knowingly when Stephon Marbury lites him up in a g...oh, this isn't 2003 anymore? Sorry, skip that.
10. Acquire some paraphanalia for taunting purposes alone. Now this is going to require that you shop outside the stores of your favorite team, but if you play this well it's priceless. Let's imagine you live near a rabid Hawks fan (remember we're imagining here). You would be well played in purchasing a Chris Paul jersey. This jersey is to be used only when in the presence of said Hawks fan, but if you play your taunting well you should be greeted every time with a string of curses muttered under the breath.
11. Prepare your body and spirit for inexplicable paranoia. People were wondering what kind of damage the ref scandal would have on professional basketball. Every obsessive basketball fan could tell you it won't change a thing. See, we already assumed every game was rigged. This isn't news to anyone. The first response from NBA fans to news of the scandal wasn't, "oh man I can't believe it!" It was something more along the lines of, "I know it was Bavetta. That old bastard screwed us over so many times!" Paranoia is all part of the sport, particularly in basketball when one player on the other team can do so much damage. Ask a Spurs fan if they feel comfortable with a 13 point lead against the Rockets in the final minute of a game.
12. Pick a fight. I don't mean throw blows. I mean go out, fully armed with statistics and game examples, and get a Heat fan to defend Shaq's contract. Seriously, that should be a fun fight, and if they win, you might need to revisit a couple of the above steps.
Now young one, go and take these steps. Believe me, it's more fun than watching someone potentially paralyze themselves every ninety seconds or so.
Oh yeah, have another beer.
-Dusty
9. Learn obscure and relatively useless statistics for use in conversations with other basketball junkies. You could learn that Tony Parker typically gets owned by larger, stronger guards. That way you'll be able to smirk knowingly when Stephon Marbury lites him up in a g...oh, this isn't 2003 anymore? Sorry, skip that.
10. Acquire some paraphanalia for taunting purposes alone. Now this is going to require that you shop outside the stores of your favorite team, but if you play this well it's priceless. Let's imagine you live near a rabid Hawks fan (remember we're imagining here). You would be well played in purchasing a Chris Paul jersey. This jersey is to be used only when in the presence of said Hawks fan, but if you play your taunting well you should be greeted every time with a string of curses muttered under the breath.
11. Prepare your body and spirit for inexplicable paranoia. People were wondering what kind of damage the ref scandal would have on professional basketball. Every obsessive basketball fan could tell you it won't change a thing. See, we already assumed every game was rigged. This isn't news to anyone. The first response from NBA fans to news of the scandal wasn't, "oh man I can't believe it!" It was something more along the lines of, "I know it was Bavetta. That old bastard screwed us over so many times!" Paranoia is all part of the sport, particularly in basketball when one player on the other team can do so much damage. Ask a Spurs fan if they feel comfortable with a 13 point lead against the Rockets in the final minute of a game.
12. Pick a fight. I don't mean throw blows. I mean go out, fully armed with statistics and game examples, and get a Heat fan to defend Shaq's contract. Seriously, that should be a fun fight, and if they win, you might need to revisit a couple of the above steps.
Now young one, go and take these steps. Believe me, it's more fun than watching someone potentially paralyze themselves every ninety seconds or so.
Oh yeah, have another beer.
-Dusty
12 steps to becoming addicted to the NBA
Most twelve step programs involve kicking an addiction. This is not like most twelve step programs because in the spirit of the Captain and the Good Doctor before him, we don't encourage addiction it has just worked for us. You may not want to take my advice here if you are a productive human being, however if you want to become a productive basketball fan then by all means follow this astute advice given to you in twelve all too easy follow steps.
1) Pick a team... This may seem obvious, but don't underestimate the importance of this decision. Your family, friends, and people that do not even know you will judge you based on this decision. You are not aloud to like every team, and if you chose the Lakers and don't live in LA I have already judged you (though they suck enough now that it is not the offense it once was). If you chose the Celtics because of the trades they made this offseason I would like to offer you an over and under bet on the number of games Ray Allen will play in this season.
2) If you have your team you are required to do the following: Add the official team website to the favorites on every computer you regularly use, in addition the sports page on the teams local newspaper, the ESPN NBA page, basketballreference.com, and FOXsports NBA page. This may seem like too many websites to add at one time, but you will realize that this is really actually pretty weak once you become committed to the program. I told you that this plan was not for productive human beings.
3) If you are not going to buy the NBA league package (if your team is out of the market area you live in I strongly suggest getting it... put it on credit) find the local channel that carries your team's games. If you cannot do either one of these there is some hope for you. TNT and TBS are helpful in this regard, and you should be watching Ernie, Charles, and Kenny regardless. These men are like the FDR braintrust for the league. In that spirit they will be referred to as the ECK bureau henceforth. If they are the FDR braintrust then David Stern would be FDR.
4) This will come with watching their games, but you should take some extra time to memorize your teams entire roster. If Maurice Ager checks in you should know who he is, but you wouldn't because you are a Mavs fan. You are lucky if you know who Mark Aguirre or Rolando Blackman. You just love Dirk.
4a- You might want to have a beer if you have not already.
5)Your still reading. I'm proud of you for completing the previous four steps. The next one is fun. Pick a team to hate, preferably one other than your teams top rival. You will enjoy cheering against them, no matter who they play, almost as much as you enjoy cheering for your favorite team. Note your reasons for hating this team can be rational, but more often than not they are better if they are irrational. For example, if your girlfriend's exboyfriend loved the Milwaukee Bucks it is perfectly acceptable for you to hate them. Just make sure your committed to this.
6) Go to a game. This may seem low on the list, but you need to know the game before you mortgage your house to buy good tickets and pay for beer at the game. Also, it helps to be able to yell at people by name when you are there. If you are having problems with steps one through five you might want to bump this one up or just insert it anywhere.
7) Buy some piece of team merchandise that you wear or can present an inordinate amount of times. This way anyone who knows you will begin to associate you with said team. They will refer to it as your team. You will have de facto ownership of a business that has a payroll of well over 45 million dollars. If you're a Knicks fan 88 million, however you are a Knicks fan and your GM/coach has been actively divesting the club of its worth while driving up its cost for quite sometime now. On top of that he only signs players in twos, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph, Stephon Marbury and Jamal Crawford, and almost any two players on the roster that play the same position. Also, you should never, under any circumstances, get rid of this piece of merchandise because it will become part of your identity. Even when you get a replacement hat or shirt to wear because the first one of whatever it was has died or taken on a life of its own you cannot get rid of the original. You might need it.
7a- Maybe its time for another beer.
Steps 8-12 to come. You can't do all twelve steps at once, and I haven't paid enough attention to basketball for too long. This is the Captain signing off on the inaugural post.
1) Pick a team... This may seem obvious, but don't underestimate the importance of this decision. Your family, friends, and people that do not even know you will judge you based on this decision. You are not aloud to like every team, and if you chose the Lakers and don't live in LA I have already judged you (though they suck enough now that it is not the offense it once was). If you chose the Celtics because of the trades they made this offseason I would like to offer you an over and under bet on the number of games Ray Allen will play in this season.
2) If you have your team you are required to do the following: Add the official team website to the favorites on every computer you regularly use, in addition the sports page on the teams local newspaper, the ESPN NBA page, basketballreference.com, and FOXsports NBA page. This may seem like too many websites to add at one time, but you will realize that this is really actually pretty weak once you become committed to the program. I told you that this plan was not for productive human beings.
3) If you are not going to buy the NBA league package (if your team is out of the market area you live in I strongly suggest getting it... put it on credit) find the local channel that carries your team's games. If you cannot do either one of these there is some hope for you. TNT and TBS are helpful in this regard, and you should be watching Ernie, Charles, and Kenny regardless. These men are like the FDR braintrust for the league. In that spirit they will be referred to as the ECK bureau henceforth. If they are the FDR braintrust then David Stern would be FDR.
4) This will come with watching their games, but you should take some extra time to memorize your teams entire roster. If Maurice Ager checks in you should know who he is, but you wouldn't because you are a Mavs fan. You are lucky if you know who Mark Aguirre or Rolando Blackman. You just love Dirk.
4a- You might want to have a beer if you have not already.
5)Your still reading. I'm proud of you for completing the previous four steps. The next one is fun. Pick a team to hate, preferably one other than your teams top rival. You will enjoy cheering against them, no matter who they play, almost as much as you enjoy cheering for your favorite team. Note your reasons for hating this team can be rational, but more often than not they are better if they are irrational. For example, if your girlfriend's exboyfriend loved the Milwaukee Bucks it is perfectly acceptable for you to hate them. Just make sure your committed to this.
6) Go to a game. This may seem low on the list, but you need to know the game before you mortgage your house to buy good tickets and pay for beer at the game. Also, it helps to be able to yell at people by name when you are there. If you are having problems with steps one through five you might want to bump this one up or just insert it anywhere.
7) Buy some piece of team merchandise that you wear or can present an inordinate amount of times. This way anyone who knows you will begin to associate you with said team. They will refer to it as your team. You will have de facto ownership of a business that has a payroll of well over 45 million dollars. If you're a Knicks fan 88 million, however you are a Knicks fan and your GM/coach has been actively divesting the club of its worth while driving up its cost for quite sometime now. On top of that he only signs players in twos, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph, Stephon Marbury and Jamal Crawford, and almost any two players on the roster that play the same position. Also, you should never, under any circumstances, get rid of this piece of merchandise because it will become part of your identity. Even when you get a replacement hat or shirt to wear because the first one of whatever it was has died or taken on a life of its own you cannot get rid of the original. You might need it.
7a- Maybe its time for another beer.
Steps 8-12 to come. You can't do all twelve steps at once, and I haven't paid enough attention to basketball for too long. This is the Captain signing off on the inaugural post.
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