12 steps to becoming addicted to the NBA

Most twelve step programs involve kicking an addiction. This is not like most twelve step programs because in the spirit of the Captain and the Good Doctor before him, we don't encourage addiction it has just worked for us. You may not want to take my advice here if you are a productive human being, however if you want to become a productive basketball fan then by all means follow this astute advice given to you in twelve all too easy follow steps.

1) Pick a team... This may seem obvious, but don't underestimate the importance of this decision. Your family, friends, and people that do not even know you will judge you based on this decision. You are not aloud to like every team, and if you chose the Lakers and don't live in LA I have already judged you (though they suck enough now that it is not the offense it once was). If you chose the Celtics because of the trades they made this offseason I would like to offer you an over and under bet on the number of games Ray Allen will play in this season.

2) If you have your team you are required to do the following: Add the official team website to the favorites on every computer you regularly use, in addition the sports page on the teams local newspaper, the ESPN NBA page, basketballreference.com, and FOXsports NBA page. This may seem like too many websites to add at one time, but you will realize that this is really actually pretty weak once you become committed to the program. I told you that this plan was not for productive human beings.

3) If you are not going to buy the NBA league package (if your team is out of the market area you live in I strongly suggest getting it... put it on credit) find the local channel that carries your team's games. If you cannot do either one of these there is some hope for you. TNT and TBS are helpful in this regard, and you should be watching Ernie, Charles, and Kenny regardless. These men are like the FDR braintrust for the league. In that spirit they will be referred to as the ECK bureau henceforth. If they are the FDR braintrust then David Stern would be FDR.

4) This will come with watching their games, but you should take some extra time to memorize your teams entire roster. If Maurice Ager checks in you should know who he is, but you wouldn't because you are a Mavs fan. You are lucky if you know who Mark Aguirre or Rolando Blackman. You just love Dirk.

4a- You might want to have a beer if you have not already.

5)Your still reading. I'm proud of you for completing the previous four steps. The next one is fun. Pick a team to hate, preferably one other than your teams top rival. You will enjoy cheering against them, no matter who they play, almost as much as you enjoy cheering for your favorite team. Note your reasons for hating this team can be rational, but more often than not they are better if they are irrational. For example, if your girlfriend's exboyfriend loved the Milwaukee Bucks it is perfectly acceptable for you to hate them. Just make sure your committed to this.

6) Go to a game. This may seem low on the list, but you need to know the game before you mortgage your house to buy good tickets and pay for beer at the game. Also, it helps to be able to yell at people by name when you are there. If you are having problems with steps one through five you might want to bump this one up or just insert it anywhere.

7) Buy some piece of team merchandise that you wear or can present an inordinate amount of times. This way anyone who knows you will begin to associate you with said team. They will refer to it as your team. You will have de facto ownership of a business that has a payroll of well over 45 million dollars. If you're a Knicks fan 88 million, however you are a Knicks fan and your GM/coach has been actively divesting the club of its worth while driving up its cost for quite sometime now. On top of that he only signs players in twos, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph, Stephon Marbury and Jamal Crawford, and almost any two players on the roster that play the same position. Also, you should never, under any circumstances, get rid of this piece of merchandise because it will become part of your identity. Even when you get a replacement hat or shirt to wear because the first one of whatever it was has died or taken on a life of its own you cannot get rid of the original. You might need it.

7a- Maybe its time for another beer.


Steps 8-12 to come. You can't do all twelve steps at once, and I haven't paid enough attention to basketball for too long. This is the Captain signing off on the inaugural post.