Steps 8-12

8. Pick up on the finer points of the game. Any casual fan may know that Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams have brought back the Stockton to Malone "pick 'n row" (ala Doc Rivers), but you could pick up that Boozer always (and I mean always) has a perfectly shaped oval of deodorant clumped under each arm pit during every game. Also, it may be my horrific colorblindness, but I do believe Boozer's shoes seem to have some of that Carolina blue on them. You can keep up in a conversation by interjecting that Dallas folded like a lawn chair last year when the Warriors forced them to use a post scorer (which they don't have), but you can win yourself some followers with a keene observation about how Jason Williams looks like a cancer patient with his head shaved, or maybe you'll earn yourself a spot in hell. We'll just have to wait and see.

9. Learn obscure and relatively useless statistics for use in conversations with other basketball junkies. You could learn that Tony Parker typically gets owned by larger, stronger guards. That way you'll be able to smirk knowingly when Stephon Marbury lites him up in a g...oh, this isn't 2003 anymore? Sorry, skip that.

10. Acquire some paraphanalia for taunting purposes alone. Now this is going to require that you shop outside the stores of your favorite team, but if you play this well it's priceless. Let's imagine you live near a rabid Hawks fan (remember we're imagining here). You would be well played in purchasing a Chris Paul jersey. This jersey is to be used only when in the presence of said Hawks fan, but if you play your taunting well you should be greeted every time with a string of curses muttered under the breath.

11. Prepare your body and spirit for inexplicable paranoia. People were wondering what kind of damage the ref scandal would have on professional basketball. Every obsessive basketball fan could tell you it won't change a thing. See, we already assumed every game was rigged. This isn't news to anyone. The first response from NBA fans to news of the scandal wasn't, "oh man I can't believe it!" It was something more along the lines of, "I know it was Bavetta. That old bastard screwed us over so many times!" Paranoia is all part of the sport, particularly in basketball when one player on the other team can do so much damage. Ask a Spurs fan if they feel comfortable with a 13 point lead against the Rockets in the final minute of a game.

12. Pick a fight. I don't mean throw blows. I mean go out, fully armed with statistics and game examples, and get a Heat fan to defend Shaq's contract. Seriously, that should be a fun fight, and if they win, you might need to revisit a couple of the above steps.

Now young one, go and take these steps. Believe me, it's more fun than watching someone potentially paralyze themselves every ninety seconds or so.

Oh yeah, have another beer.

-Dusty