Holy Shit Balls Batman!

So I might have mentioned that the Magic were better than expected. That could have been understated. Dwight Howard is terrifying. This guy is huge! He's like Sputnik! Dwight! Slam Dunk! Now! This guy leads league in dunks by a two to one margin, and has more dunks than many teams. Of course the problem is that Andrew Bynum is next in the league in this category. Dwight Howard's dunk contest last season was wildly unappreciated. His smiling face plastered twelve and a half feet high on the backboard, how did this not win? The Magic even have their own Turkey product. The play where Tinsley dribbled the ball through the Pilgrim's Pride's legs and drops in a lay up was priceless. Maybe I should not get to high on these guys. However, how could you not like a team whose coach looks like Ron Jeremy? Are there two brothers who look less alike than the VG brothers? The Magic are scary for two primary reasons. Dwight Howard for sure. Then the previously mentioned motivation that Stan Van Gundy has to have must be hellacious motivation.

Speaking of Miami, I am interested to see if Shaq's give me the damn ball routine, apologies to Keyshawn, will do anything more than make him look just a little more washed up than he already does or if he will somehow find another gear... is another gear to get an 400lb old man off the floor. If so does it involve shoving a rocket up his... Nevermind. The real question here is how long is it before Shaq ends up turning another guard into an enemy? No one is talking about the fact that Penny and Kobe both hated Shaq enough not to want to play with him when he was still capable of playing himself into shape, which he may not be able to do anymore. Dwayne Wade is the most likeable of these guys, but he has already called Shaq out once. You get the feeling that other guys who are superstars get tired of Shaq thinking that he is not a superstar, but the Greatest Player to ever touch an orange ball. The Big Aristotle is starting to look more like the Big Asshole. He is still better than most, but he is not the MDE anymore, if he ever was. Shaq is getting dumped on for being old, I want him to get dumped on for being an annoying dick who whines when his team doesn't win.

I wanted to write about the Warriors and Capt'n Jack, but J.A. Adande already said everything in an article on ESPN today. Damnit! Why don't I get paid to say shit first? I could limit my usage of profanity and make less jokes about sex, drugs, and deviant behavior. Wait a minute that wouldn't be fun. I do have things to say that have not been said. For instance, I would compare Jackson to a dirty uncle that everyone in the family gets nervous about when you tell them that he is going to show you how to impress women. Everyone has an uncle or a cousin like this. The point being here is that even though said uncle is dangerous and takes you to the insert regional festival or bowling alley to pick up chicks the man does know how to get laid in these places. Stay with me. I am not saying this is a good thing, but if your goal is to pick up women, sometimes you have to lower your standards to raise your averages. The Warriors have decided to lower their standard of ball to the punchers chance, but they have some guys on their team who can punch. Capt' Jack is puncher. He is that uncle that teaches you how to pick up women at the Crawfish Festival, Chili Cook Off, or bowling alley setting. He's damn good at what he does. It just isn't for everyone.

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this until now, but Billy King got fired after his stellar career. This man got paid to piss off sports fans in Philadelphia. This like getting paid to shoot fish in a barrel. They boo Santa Oh, right I guess he was actually paid to put together that could win games. In that case I am not sure how he wasn't fired earlier. Does this mean that Isaih Thomas is next? I hope so.

More to come. The Captain signing off.