The NuWave Oven and some free knives

So, it's a Thursday night and I have a twelve pack in the fridge and some bad homemade nachos in front of me. A farily average night. However, the NBA despite my avid patronage and willingess to spend a $160 I don't have to get league pass has two games on tonight. No died, there isn't a holiday. If I wanted a Thursday night schedule like this I would give a shit about the NFL. The first game is one of the worst that could ever be scheduled. It is the NuWave oven infomerical version of the NBA game...

There is an amazing offer for something that can't really do what it advertises. The recent NBA champions, Miami Heat, take on the not so long ago up and coming Washington Wizards. In a battle of teams that are about as appealing as a jock strap growing mold TNT will market this as a game that is fun to watch because Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller will tell you how bad it is all night. The ESPN pundits will tell you that the Heat are worried, but not that far behind where they were lat season. You know what, last season they made the playoffs and bowed out ingnominiously to a Chicago team that couldn't find their own asses with a big gay penis right now. I am supposed to be excited that they could make the playoffs and look like a cracker in a circle jerk? I don't think so.

The Wizards are playing without Gil and are pretty much owning the Heat as I watch this game. Sans-Gil Wiz ass whipping in which Antwan Jamison looks like he is back in Golden State, and Caron Butler is making Kobe want to deficate in Mitch Kupchak's coffee cup could really only happen against a couple teams, and the Heat are one of them. Shit on a stick this game is bad.

Why do I watch? For the same reason that at two thirty in the morning you watch the NuWave Oven commercial. "Touch and Go" in thirty minutes chicken dinner with vegtabales, this looks delicious. You know that this is a load of crap and that you would never pay to use one because in all likelihood anything that comes out of the triple action cooking machine taste like a hockey puck. You know that as you watch this commercial that it is time that you will not get back. You know that as you watch two teams that really don't matter that you will not get the time back. So, why do we do it? The answer for me has to do with the fact that at least the basketball game is not scripted, there is a chance for something crazy to happen. Like Luke Jackson looking good, or Jamison putting up numbers good enough to make D.C. fans optimistic. Maybe the fact that DeShawn Stevenson always has big games, but never warrants a decent contract. Look at what he makes compares to other guys with similar numbers. The NuWave oven cooks a ten pound turkey touch and go. This food is amazing. I bet it really isn't even edible. This game really isn't even watchable. You have no excuse for watching, excpet that the next game is going to be the free set of Ginzu knives.

This is a truly amazing commercial. They cut diamonds with the paring knife and they slice cars in half with the cleaver. The Spurs I am willing to bet will not lose two in a row without making the Lakers work for it even with the two All-Stars on the bench. If they win I can see Kobe starting to bitch about wanting to be traded again. This game in that sense has great potential because it could speed up Jason Kidd trade talks, or start some more interesting trade talks concerning the best single talent in the NBA (even if I don't like him).

Barkley called the Spurs Groundhog Day because he could watch them every night. I could watch that old guy run over his Ginzu knives with a lawnmower and cut something in half with it afterward and then explain how he could send them back every night. The Spurs are obviously better than the Lakers with Parker and Duncan; this is the only reason I put the Spurs in an info commercial category. I am watching this game not because it is important or indicative of reality in the NBA, but watching Manu and the Red Rocket slice and dice the Lakers should be fun.

The Captain signing off...