The Orange Underground! Not Cheetohs!

We are still under the no-hitter rule.

The new Cheetos commercial are weird. Very damn weird, as Dusty and I have discussed. However,they do make me want to act like a vindictive shit and punish people with orage food dye and partionally hydrogenated oils. However, the orange underground is the NBA not Cheetos, let me tell you a story...

One day Jerry West called Mitch Kupchak and said, I am leaving the Grizzlies, but as compensation for my servide here they are letting me call in one last favor to take care of teh franchise I love. Kobe is also paying me all of his endorsement money. But we are going to hold off on trading Pau Gasol, and Kobe is going to openly criticize the franchise so that everyone is going to find the following events more dramatic than the series finale of Beverly Hills 90210...

These events will happen:

After wading through some disappointing play off losses we are going to flirt with the ideal of acquiring Jason Kidd. Kobe will openly criticize the organization for not doing this, and then you will have to let Andrew Bynum in on the plan so he agrees to stay. Kobe says some he things that he doesn't really mean about Andrew. It will all be OK, even though Kobe demands to be traded. We will look like the 2007-2008 season will have you looking Isaih Thomas. Don't worry I swear this is going to work.

I will then call in my favor and you will recieve Pau Gasol for next to nothing. It will be glorious, and chaos will ensue. AS a result of this trade we will have a damn fine team. However the beauty is that executives in the West will go absoutely crazy, and become more reactionary than the Patriot Act. Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire will willing accept a washed up Shaq instead of Shawn Marion or a number of other serviceable options ignoring the fact that Shaq has shit orbiting him at this point in his career. This makes us look less foolish for having busted up Kobe and Shaq while both were in their primes, but also keeps us from taking on the ridiculous contract situation that Miami and now Pheonix have agreed to pay to placate the Big Team Killer. Stay with me Mitch, this gets better. The conference will have continued to get better. This insanely convoluted plan will be made even better by the fact that in one of the closest Conference regular seasons ever we will have made the first place team in the conference completely change the style of ball that they play.

Wait... it get's better. The trade will facilitate another team becoming hysterical. Another known threat. The Ponies will trade a promising young guard for the leadership of an old elite point guard with a bloated contract and no championship experience believing it will shake them up and give them backbone. Wait for it... It is none other than the guy that we drove the trade value up on last season, your favorite meaningless triple double creator in NBA history, Jason Kidd. They too will plummet in the standings as they found out that their new rides have flat tires.


The phone hangs up. Kupchak and West go to bed knowing that they have stacked the deck in the Lakers favor.

That's the Orange Underground my friend. Believe it and know that David Stern masterminded all of this to up ratings in the playoffs. He keeps that mustache he had in those 80's drafts a in box inside a magic eight ball and whenever the league is going down hill he consults it. That's why this season looks the way it has.

This the Captain signing off for now...