10 things I hate about D-loss

The following conversation is real. I didn't change the names because none of these people are innocent.

Me: I really hate alot of the players on the floor right now in this Mavs and Lakers game.

Dusty: Who doesn't?

Me: Fucking communist, that's fucking who.

Pause

Me: The fact that a team just trotted out Devean George, Ty Lue, and Eddie Jones somehow makes me hate Dirk Nowitzki even more.

Dusty: You judge a man by the company he keeps.

So true, so true. So with this I bring you the opposite of the homer column, the hater column. I know I have written more about hating than loving teams recently, but I am really not a bitter person. I really don't like the Los Angeles Lakers, but I was genuinely pissed off that they were not handling the Ponies tonight. This is how much I don't like the Ponies, I loathe them so much that I will not refer to them by anything other than disparaging names that I have made up for them for the rest of this column. Wait a minute I do that to lots of people and teams. Let's just say that I never root for teams based out of New York or LA and I was rooting for LA tonight unabashedly. Hating the Mavs trumps the rule from the first set of columns about hating major market teams. Refer to the other rule about picking a team to hate. I hate the D-loss Ponies. Let me count the ways...

1) Dirk: He might be a nice guy. I just hate watching him play. He has always seemed soft. When Cris Webber calls a team you led soft and no one questions one of the least mentally tough, albeit freakishly talented, players of his generation you know you are soft. Oh, but he played on a sprained ankle tonight. If I hear another hyperbaric chamber anecdote I am going to drop the TV out of the hotel room I am staying in straight through to the lobby, smashing the steam tray that they keep the fake eggs warm in for the supposedly hot breakfast. Dirk had a good game tonight, but damn it isn't like he was playing on one leg. If he played on one leg I would claim that it was digitally enhanced footage. If I was there in person I would want to actually go and pull on the invisible leg to make sure that it wasn't really there and then have David Copperfield and Chris Angel explain to me how Dirk was faking this. That was a long way of saying I don't think itwas that impressive that Dirk played on a tender ankle 70 games into the season.

2) They employ Devean George, Ty Lue, and Eddie Jones. All members of the Lakers at one time which means they are tainted. Especially since George has three rings. I mean who deserves three rings less, and actually got to have them. Maybe some members of the Bulls from the MJ era, enter our favorite Australian player not named Andrew "my teammates hate me" Bogut. Ty Lue almost had washed the taint off of himself by being a Rocket and then toiling in obscurity. Then he ended up playing for the Mavsucks. I will let Dusty take care of the Eddie Jones bashing.

3) Eric Dampier. At one time he thought he was the second best center in the League. Wonder where he would rank himself now? Mark Cuban thought it was a bad investment to re-sign some guy from Canada named Steve Nash. Good job Cubes, I will get to you in a second. There is nothing like watching someone who looks like they should be a beast and knowing that they are a complete liability on the floor. Now for my next impression, Jessie Owens... or

4) The Jason Kidd trade. I have already covered how stupid this was, but just to emphasize the guy that was picking up the slack for the afforementioned waste of space is now in New Jersey.

5)Everyone gushing over Josh Howard. See Bill Simmons comment about how Howard is well on this way to becoming the next Ben Wallace on the under-rated to over-rated jump to conclusions mat.

6) How many Ponies fans could tell you much about Rolando Blackman? Who were the three J's? I don't even think they have good fans in most cases.

7) The fact that they collapse like a folding chair everytime pressure is applied. See Golden State, Miami, and tonight. Awesome.

8) Cubicle, Mark Cuban. Once an entertainment, he is now a charicature of himself. A walking, check that dancing, cliche of himself. Everytime this team could actually be good or get better by doing something logical Mark freaks out and makes a panicked move that stunts the Mavs growth like a four year old who drinks a pot of coffee every morning. Cuban could be cool, but he feels the need to make a spectacle of himself too often. The Dairy Queen move a few years ago was actually entertaining, but seeing a billionaire serve fastfood would be no matter who it was. Cuban supposed passion for his team is often self defeating because he pisses off the David Stern, and he really pisses off David Stern's mustache. All the mustache wants to do is engineer crazy trades in the comfort of its own jar, but know Cuban has to blog about officiating and openly bitch about problems that actually exist in the NBA. The mustache just wants some tact. It understands the bitching, but it prefers having a sit down instead of Cuban going off like Fredo's wife everytime there is a family gathering.

9) Avery. Fun player and a funny voice. Maybe not the best coach. Maybe a coach who should think about doubling Kobe Bryant. Maybe a coach who should come up with a game plan that is consistent so his team can have an identity.

10) Because I enjoy hating on the Ponies. I don't need to give another real reason. I like it and this is my space to rant. I have other reasons. Dusty has other reasons. If you really like the NBA you have mroe reasons. These are just a start.

The Captain signing off for now....