Freeballin

50 reasons to watch the NBA; Almost there, almost there, almost there...

2008-10-15T22:39:00.004-05:00

It started with an elipsis, you know who is posting faithful readers. I address you waiting for November for two reasons. The first of course being that basketball season will be up and running now. The second being that this damn election will be over, I don't want to get off on a rant here... Wait, I actually don't want to rant about the second thing here. I am just fucking tired of it. Back to the first thing, things that I would like to see or will see during the upcoming basketball season (without talking about Ron Artest or the Rockets much):

1) Pop keeps his rocking beard. He makes Grizzly Adams look vagtastic. Wait, isn't that the new yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis is promoting...

2) Andrew Bogut high fives himself in all 82 games...

3) That someone in the NBA this season has an 80 point game...

4) Chris Kaman appears in one of those Snickers commercials with the viking and the pilgrim, or in one of those Geico Caveman commercials...

5)That Gerald Green makes an NBA roster and turns into the next Gerald Wallace. I really wish this even as a Rockets fan, as long as it doesn't happen while he is on the Mavericks roster. Speaking of...

6) Watching the Mavericks not make the playoffs this year with Jason Kidd looking like a point guard with court vision rivaling anyone who has ever played with the speed of a Geo Metro...

7) Yelling, "That's not true! That's impossible!" Everytime Adam Morrison looks like he deserved to be drafted that high, given that he might actually be halthy this year...

8) Watching Greg Oden play. No really, I want to see him play. Don't really have a joke here that doesn't involve wondering whether or not his likeness on the bobble head night in Portland for Oden will have a microfacture scar on it...

9) Making way too many fart jokes about the OKC Thunder, even though it would have been cooler if they were the Wind...

10) Josh Childress updates. This was a mistake, a huge mistake, unless of course the dollar continues to slip...

11) Seeing who will be the next, "oh shit we cut that guy decision..." Kelenna Azkubuike style, pretty sure I mispelled his name for the millionth time, even though the Rockets let him go and it should be burned into my fucking memory...

12) Making up new nick names for people. First one, Richard Jefferson, Jefferson Airplane. You think it sucks? If you can tolerate Chris Berman than you have no fucking room to talk...

13) Waiting for David Stern to grow that bitchin' mustache back. Orange Undergroud...

14) Seeing if Carlos Boozer feels the same way about tricking Mormons as he does blind people...

15) Watching the Suns try to slow it down enough for the Shaq trade to not look like complete shit. And hoping that Shaq has another show in which a little kid farts on him...

16) Speaking of the Suns, watching Mike D's Knicks score over a hundred points a game, and still lose at least 40 games...

17) Watching both of the Lopez brothers compete respectively for the Sam Bowie and Brian Scalabrine roles on their respective teams. This really can't go well...

18) Watching the Mavericks miss the playoffs because Dirk Nowitzki eats too much of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt...

19) Waiting for Josh Howard to sign a contract with Cowboys after the Mavericks cut him for conduct detrimental to the team...

20) Trades, this should be a busy trade season with good role players and teams doing their best to get under the cap for '10. Things won't go this badly for someone since Tim Duncan resigned with the Spurs and killed at least three teams plans for the future...

21) Vince Carter further dragging down his reputation and someone still trading for him, and wondering why they did it next season or later this season...

22) Having something to watch besides football. No seriously...

23) I realize the last point doesn't give credit to the World Series, but that is only seven games. Even still, those games take too long on TV. Basketball is the best TV sport on air period. This will be affirmed again this season...

24) Watching a close Western Conference race, again...

25) Watching the Nuggets dismantle...

26) Watching Mike Dunleavy pull the rest of his hair out as Baron Davis shoots thirty footers...

27) Wishing I could see the Christmas Card that Baron Davis sends (or doesn't) to Elton Brand...

28) Seeing the Christmas card that Yi and Chinese government send to Herb Kohl...

29) Yelling at my TV, and really meaning it...

30) Watching Dusty break TV remotes, it has happened before...

31) Seeing Mo Williams out running the rest of the Cav's ceptin' Bron. This could be a weird team. Shooters spreading the floor, Wally, Boobie, and Mo... and still having a shit team that makes it to the East finals...

32) Another member of the Redeem team, I really wish I hadn't used that term, D-Wade knock the shit out of opponenets and whip the young Beasley into shape that his talent deserves...

33) The question is do the Heat let the man with the ugliest shot in the world go as a FA or do they trade him to a team looking for cap relief...

34) Figuring out where Ben Gordon goes, I think this could be a huge trade for a good team...

35) Ditto, just insert Sheed...

36) Listening to people talk about how the Toyota Center was deserved to survive a Cat 4 hurricane...

37) Watching Corey Magette score at least 20ppg and the Warriors still missing Baron...

38) The second half of this season where the Warriors won;t miss Baron, but will start the biggest moped destruction program of all time...

39) Seeing AK-47 get traded, finally, to Mike D's Knicks and finally seeing what this guy could do on a running team. This is a trade money wise and personnel wise that could be interesting in several incarnations...

40) Speaking of... Who could land David Lee? If the Knicks are really trying to get under the cap for '10 then they can't keep Lee. Even though he is the most popular player on the team...

41) Josh Smith... He just got a huge contract. Is he going to be sponsoring Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt with 20 plus foot jumpers, or jumping over people in a way that merits money because people watching just scratch their heads and watch some more...

42) Andre, not AI, Igoudala, can he play with people clogging the middle? He runs through the lane admirably, but what does he do when Dalembert and Brand are on the floor at the same time... I realize many of these sentences could be ended with question marks, but I really like elipses...

43) Knowing that a weeks into the season we will not be seeing goddamn campaign commercials during sporting events...

44) The second year of Rashard Lewis making enough money to be ranked 15th in the NBA in terms of salary. Who is on your top 15 list? Rashard, anyone? He will get there by being quote "more selfish..."... That deserved multipe elsipses...

45) I am watching Conan and some guy that looks Dan Fogleberg and sounds like Jack Johnson just played. Who is playing the NBA half time show? Some one who is nothing like Dan Fogleberg or Jack Johnson, though it is funny to think about what Charles Barkley would say if that were the case...

46) Ernie, Kenny, and Chuck showing that three people and a guest are the way to do a sports show, or any show based on commentary. Do you hear me NFL broadcast? Do you hear me CNN debate coverage? Does anyone...

47) Darius Miles wins the comeback player of the year. If he makes the Celtics roster... Wait, I don't want to this to happen. I really don't want Portland carrying that shit on their cap. By the way, how does the NBA have this cap rule...

48) Kobe Bryant's pinky finger falling off...

49) Watching the Pacer's continue to flounder as they really, really, really want to get rid of Tinsley. Who actually tells people that they have no desire have someone that they are trying to pawn off on someone else? Let's talk about basic bargaining...

50) Comcast finally letting me order the League Pass...

That was way too long. I'm not really sorry. That was alot of elipses... The Captain signing off for now...

The Kind of New Kids on the Block?

2008-09-21T10:53:00.003-05:00

I suddenly realized that Dusty and I have not given a fair treatment of the naming process for the recently deceased Seattle SuperSonics. Welcome to the fold the OKC Thunder. Personally, I am disappoionted because I was pulling for them to be named The Wind. I was going to challenge myself to make 82 fart jokes dealing with the outcome of each of their games. Something like "The Rockets break Wind in Overtime," or "The Blazers pass Wind in the Northwest." You get the ideal.
The obvious question is, why they didn't chose some fearsome animal native to Oklahoma to be their mascot? Well friends this is easy to answer, any self respecting animal followed the cues of evolution and got the fuck out of Oklahoma as soon as they could whether it be by land, sea, air, or extinction. For awhile The Bison was an option, but really I don't think naming a team after an animal sacred to Native Americans in a state where Native Americans live in abject poverty because whites drove that animal to extinction seems a little too over the top.
So The Thunder it is. Still plenty of opportnuity for fart jokes, which will be forthcoming. I also look forward to, given the demographic of the surrounding community, the house announcer falling in love with Garth Brooks tune "The Thunder Rolls." Can you picture Kevin Durant and Jeff Green looking at each other as the guy puts on Garth for the thousandth time with the same look that Pinky and the Brain used to look at each other when they realized their plan to take over the world was about to fail. The amount of country music played at this arena could far surprass anything we have ever imagined for any NBA site. Most of the radio stations in Oklahoma, that's right they got radio about seven years ago in the Dust Bowl, are primarily country stations, I am interested to see if that carries into the arena. The Thunder Roles my friends.
Really though, this whole naming thing is so much better in college sports. This is because they get to have the actual anumals at the games. A short sidenote on this, I know in this life have been guilty of some pretty awful things so if I come back on a lower plain of existence I want to be a college mascot. Here are my top three"

3. Bevo- You are large well fed piece of cattle that gets drugged out of its mind before it is taken to a place where it is basically worshipped like a golden calf. I think this sounds pretty good. On the downside I would now be a cannibal whenever I wanted a good steak or burger. Bevo is number three because he is an herbivore, and I have never been crazy about the whole vegetarian thing.

2. A Baylor Bear- These guys just got a new habitat, and they get fed ridiculously. I know Bears are naturally fat, but if you ever see one of these things in person they look more like a furry orb than a bear. You also do not get an exclusive diet of grain. They give these bears Dr. Pepper and M&M's. Sounds good.

Number 1! drumroll please:
UGA, this dog has it made. A suite wherever he travels, an air conditioned doghouse, people think it is great when you attack the opposing team, and you stay in Savannah. He has his own SUV so he never has to ride in a trailer when you have to go to work and leave Savannah. Savannah is an awesome city, no open container laws in sight. Beyond that if this dog is uncomfortable someone comes over an ices his balls down. Now that's living! And I am just betting that if you are this dog people would pay large sums of money to breed their English Bulldog bitch with you because your UGA.

UGA wins, but the real problem here is that I am assuming that this dog is on a lower plain of existence. This dog has better life than I do. In the words of Dusty, "God Damnit! I hate it when a dog does better than me!"

Anyway, here they are your used to be Seattle Super Sonics, The OKC Thunder!

The Captain siging off for now...

The Doldrums

2008-09-20T01:15:00.003-05:00

Well folks we have reached the middle of September, and for a NBA basketball fan this is the point in the year that is about as exciting as flannel pajamas on your grandma. Not that exciting, in fact if you think of ways to make that exciting there is something seriously wrong with you.
Free Agent signings of note have happened. Training camp battles haven't yet formed, as evidenced by an interview on Rockets.com where Steve Francis talks about watching old tapes of himself to get motivated and remember what he is capable of doing on the court. I am not holding my breath on the tapes bringing that back.
None the less, I sit here at 2 in the morning and feel compelled to provide you dear readers with some hope for the season that awaits us.
All things considered this has been an entertaining offseason given Baron moving south an area code or two, Brand giving the Clips the ol' Philly fake out, and Ron-Ron playing in building designed to withstand a category 5 hurricane(more on this in a second).
Baron going to the Clips should be fun because Baron and Mike Dunleavy seem very likely to mix like oil, water, and wildlife. I really don't see a control freeak like Mike Dunleavy being able to tolerate Baron Davis after Baron's sense of shot selection was just nurtured by a coach that whose offensive conscience is akin to Oscar Wilde's sense of self restraint. I though the year's in Golden State were perfect for a guy like Baron, but here is something to ponder... Corey Maggette could score as many points as Baron did in that offense and Monta Ellis was already turning into the closer on that team. So maybe it isn't time to mourn Golden State just yet. They could still be really fun if Nellie doesn't get bored. The Clippers are doomed, which brings me to my next point kids...
Elton Brand just pulled one of the smoothest exits of all time. He went to a younger team with a better coach, and at the same time made the Clippers look really silly. The Davis signing only looked good if they kept Brand. Now it looks like a team that is owned by Donald Sterling and run by Elgin Baylor, oh wait... Brand meanwhile takes a workman's game to a city that would boo the Liberty Bell and throw snowballs at the Declaration of Independence if they were losing a sporting event. Brand however has a pretty good chance of winning games in this city with the supporting cast he has, and the fact that he now resides in the Leastern (I will continue to call the conference as such even if Boston won last year). Brand long rumored a target of the Heat made a decision to go to a place with shittier weather and less attractive taxing policies, but a place where he steps in as a leader with a point guard with whom he has already played. I think the adjustments for Brand here are slight, and the players he gets at important positions are better on the Sixers than they were on the Clippers and he plays a cake schedule in conference having only to worry about the Celtics, Pistons, and the Lebron's.
Ron-Ron. I already wrote about this some, but upon a little further thinking this is something that has me perpelxed. Where are we going to play him most of the time, and who does he defend if he is on the floor at the same time with Shane? I think the second question will probably answer the first. Precisely because it won't matter nearly as much who is playing what position on offense when Shane floats around the three point line and Ron will be a cutter and a primary option. The beauty of a motoin offense is the passing, and I am interested to see whether Ron will make the reads enough of the time. On defense is where the interesting questions lay. If we are playing the Lakers who does Ron guard. Shane stays on Kobe, no question. So Yao stays in the middle with Andrew Bynum if he ever comes back. That puts Ron on Pau Gasol. I like that defensive line up because I think Ron will is mean enough to take Gasol or Odom out of the game when it comes down making them play a finesse game. Where I see this being a problem is when we play teams like New Orleans who have players like David West and Tyson Chandler who welcome the contact. They also present a defensive nightmare for the Rockets because best player on their team cannot be defended by Ron or Shane. Shane will stay with his assigment, but Ron gambles when it comes to off the ball defense, and Chris Paul eats folks like that for breakfast. Back to hurricane thing though, if that building is built to withstand a category five hurricane then I think it can withstand Ron Artest's volatile personality.
So there are a few thoughts. I will be throwing some more out there while we wait for the wind to fill the sails when we get out of this dead spot. The Captain siging off for now...

Into the Sunset?

2008-09-09T17:58:00.004-05:00

Should a Spurs fan be planning to eulogize what will (likely) be the best team in the franchise's history?

A couple of questions regarding the four time NBA champs gearing up for the 2008-2009 NBA season.

1. Considering Ginobili's injury will likely sideline him until mid-November and will (likely) see reduced minutes upon his return, how bad is this for the team?

-This will all have to do with who's on two things: Who's on the roster these days? and Will it be good enough?

Who's on the roster:

Guards: Tony Parker, Jacque Vaughn, Manu Ginobili, Roger Mason and Michael Finley (not including unsigned free agents and a rookies. The Spurs don't sign rookies, unless they are from Europe and now they won't take our money)

Forwards: Tim Duncan, Bruce Bowen, Matt Bonner, Kurt Thomas, Ime Udoka

Centers: Fabricio Oberto, Anthony Tolliver (they do sign rookies, damn.), Ian Mahinmi

Six guys capable of playing the 5. Ok, probably just five. I haven't heard anything positive about Mahinmi.

Three guys good for playing the 4.

5 guys capable of playing the 3, but it'll basically be between Bowen and Udoka, and Bruce is getting close to done.

3 guys to play the 2.

4-ish to play the 1. Primarily between Parker and Vaughn again this season. Not bad, but Jacque isn't a spring chicken.

Will it be good enough?

This roster isn't terrible or anything. The concern would be that Manu won't rehab right, or he'll have lost his explosiveness when he does get back. This team can certainly weather the early part of the season without Manu. The West is quite good again, but they should be alright considering the talent and experience. The Spurs admittedly start out a season sort of slow. This season it could actually be because someone's injured. Nice to have an excuse finally.

2. Is this team good enough?

Possibly. It'll depend on how things come together for the other top teams out West this year.

a. The Lakers - Bynum is back, and Kobe is foregoing surgery on the pinkie he injured last February. Kobe still managed to average nearly 30 points a game. Pau will finally have a full season to develop chemistry with the team. None of these things really make me feel better.

Pau looks like a sissy terrorist from some slavic country?

Still don't feel better.

b. The Hornets - Chris Paul is a beast. David West is likely one of the best power forwards in the league playing with the best point guard in the league. Tyson Chandler feasts on the blood of infants, and by "infants" I mean "lob passes." Yes, I know that makes no sense, but I don't have any joke here.

c. The Rockets - Well, Ron Ron should make them a whole hell of a lot better, and they didn't suck before. Can I pencil in Tracy and Yao missing about a month a piece? In years past this mattered (well until last year and the winning streak) but now even if one is down, the Rockets will still have two superstar players. Rafer Alston can prove if his second half play last year was it clicking for him or an aberration, and the bench looks nice. The bench used to be one of their big issues, but now as a Spurs fan I understand it. Is this how the Captain used to feel about his team all the time?

The Spurs can likely handle the rest of the West without the whirling dervish.

Here's to hoping it works out. I do enjoy the odd year banners in the AT&T Center.

-Dusty

Bong Hits for Jesus, Round 2

2008-09-08T18:19:00.003-05:00

The front office strategy of the New York Knicks has become evident to me. Some people are wondering how long it will take for D'Antoni to to make it his team. The contracts of Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry are particularly troublesome. Neither one of those gentlemen is much of a sprinter. Well, it would appear that Randolph will quickly be on the move, so where does this leave them? Exactly where they want to be. They've dumped one oversized, slowish guy, and I know how they're going to get rid of Curry.

They're going to kill him.

Now, I don't mean they're going to hire a contract killer or anything, but they have an easy way to finish him off and call it a work-related accident. Just run the man to death.

Think about it. They hired the NBA's premier run and gun coach (no disrespect to Nellie), and they're going to let him coach a guy with a heart condition!

Seven seconds or less.

Get the defibrillator ready.

-Dusty

The Dream

2008-09-08T10:51:00.003-05:00

Alright, Hakeem the Dream Olajuwon has been inducted into the Hall of Fame. I feel like I should be more excited about this, but for me (and anyone who ever wtached him play) the proper response is, "well duh." Dream was one of the most amazing players I have ever seen, and I had the pleasure of living in Houston while he was at the peak of his powers bringing two titles to Clutch City. Here is what I vividly remember:

I am playing little league baseball on the day that the Rockets clinched vs. Pheonix in the West playoffs and instead of coaching us the parents have a radio on blasting the game. Everytime Dream touches the ball we all feel OK about the game, and because he is on the floor we know how much better everyone else around him becomes. So when Mario Elie hits the Kiss of Death Three, everyone simultaneously lets a scream for joy, except for teh kid that struck out right when the shot went in...

Hakeem spotting up for a corner three in playoffs just to show off, and draining it.

Hakeem absolutely abusing David Robinson after Robinson accepted the MVP. Ranks as the second most embarassing MVP showing behind Dirk's no show against the Warriors. Though I think Robinson would argue that getting abused by one of the top three centers of all time isn't anything to be too ashamed of, but still...

Shaquille O'Neal showing humility because he knew Hakeem had throttled him in his first foray into Finals basketball. If anything we might credit Hakeem with making Shaq hungrier and nastier than he already was. I am betting O'Neal has never forgotten what it was like to play against someone better than him in almost every way.

Most of all Hakeem had something that cannot be coached on teh basketball floor. He carried himself with a sense of pride and dignity that made you proud to root for his team. He was devastating on the court, but he was a statesman off of it, and a class act for teh city of Houston. Dusty will tell you that Spurs fans feel the same way about Timmy. It is somehting altogether different to watch a player that not only gets a whole city excited about basketball, but gets a whole city excited about itself.

The Captain signing off for now...

Seek and Ye Shall Find

2008-08-09T02:02:00.002-05:00

An interesting idea has been kicking around the brain factory recently. A new resident of an NBA city needs to see how the fans of the city respond to the team. Living in Atlanta certainly brings it's own particular challenge since the city (mostly) seems to not give a damn about the team. This might make for an interesting research project. This site would feel relatively comfortable analyzing the fan bases of three, possibly four NBA franchises. A research project of this sort could lead to interesting analysis of major metropolitan centers in the United States, but there are some considerations:

1. While one city being observed is residence to the authors, the other two guaranteed cities are former residence of the authors.
Answer: This is only appropriate. We don't live in Cleveland, and we're not fucking going to Cleveland.

2. Three of the possible subjects also happen to be the three teams from Texas. Does region matter to analysis?
Answer: Perhaps, but broke twenty-somethings can't travel a great deal, so deal with it

3. The fourth possible option is Dallas, a city neither author has lived in but seems to despise.
Answer: Distaste for Dallas is based on experiences there and with people who identify strongly as residence of said location.

So that's it. We'll be occasionally bringing you reports about Atlanta mixed in with reports on the sociological importance of the Rockets, Spurs and possibly Mavericks.

Feast bitches,

-Dusty

Bong Hits for Jesus, Round 1

2008-08-09T01:50:00.002-05:00

We’re running through my Itunes, reader. The party just rocked through the new Black Keys, and we’re on to “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath. It’s a party folks. The beer is running and it’s time for the first edition of “Bong Hits for Jesus.”

In tonight’s edition I would like to tell you how much I like Mark Cuban.
That’s right. A Spurs fan loves the Cubester.
Mark Cuban is exactly the kind of owner that any fan would be, and that’s exactly why you should like him too.
Several years ago there was a great piece in Sports Illustrated about Mark Cuban after he’d owned the Mavericks for a few years. Highlights of the article include:

-He lived in a huge mansion that had almost no furnishing in the entire thing.

-One of his main recruiting tools for players was providing them with incredibly plush towels.

*Tony Iomi is destroying on a solo right now.

-Cuban said that he always remembered a place with nice towels, so he figured the presence of nice towels, along with offers to exorbitantly over pay to get talent, would convince people to play in Big D.

-Dallas was also the first place (I believe) to put PS2’s (this is several years ago) and flat screen TVs in the lockers for every player.

*Planet Caravan might be one of the greatest pieces to put an album together, ever.

Mark Cuban would appear to be the kind of guy who wants to run his team like a successful business and a great hometown team.

I know what you’ll say. “Dallas fans suck. They’re all bandwagon, it’s not a loyal town.” You would not be totally wrong. I have to point out that some of the most die hard, knowledgeable fans I’ve ever met were Mavericks fans, but you would be generally true with your opinion. Now, Freeballin’ will never be a forum for the advanced kind of sociological research necessary to try and explain the typical Dallas-wish-wash fan. Today I am simply trying to convince you that Mark Cuban is the right kind of owner for any sports team, and his methods are risky (business background) or stupid (might be due to living in Dallas, did I say that out loud? Whoops.) but they show a degree of concern for the team and city that I admire.

Spurs fans were irate when Cuban went on the air during the playoffs and insulted the great city of San Antonio by calling the Riverwalk “muddy” and gross or something to that effect. He railed on the city, and I loved every second of it. What the hell does Mark Cuban care about the Riverwalk one way or another? Hell, what do the citizens of SA care about the Riverwalk? It’s just for the tourists. The Riverwalk may be an important part of the economy in SA (big tourist site), but it’s not an insult to city pride. I mean it’s not like he knocked on Taco Cabana.
Mark Cuban was simply trying to rile up fan support and intensity. He was just trying to get everyone amped and excited. That is awesome, folks. Rivalries are what make sports great, so if someone is encouraging the citizenry (without going too far below the belt, leave my bean and cheese alone), then I cannot condemn that person. I’ll say it. God bless you, Mark Cuban.

I want rivalries! I want vengeance! I want bean and cheese! And you should too.

Mark Cuban does.

-Dusty

Ron-Ron. A Fickle mistress...

2008-08-03T23:36:00.002-05:00

In a perfect world Ron-Ron will be to the Houston Rockets what Bon-Bons were to Peggy Bundy. The sinful indulgence that puts that really makes life better.

I have been hoping that Chuck Hayes or Carl Landry would turn into Charles Oakley and that we would pick up the next incarnation of Vernon Maxwell at the same time... I thought it would take two or three players to do this... We got it all in one crazy and scary individual. Ron Artest has done several interviews since the initial shock of this trade has happened; most of them trying to explain how he is a changed man. He interviews more like Mike Tyson than Sidney Pottier. His history and his perpetual stink eye terrify fans who worry about chemistry, but it also terrifies other teams.

Artest could be the difference between the Rockets being like watching All the Right Moves a hundred times or watching Varsity Blues a hundred times. Varsity Blues still makes me laugh and All the Right Moves still makes me scratch my head as to ho this guy has become the leader of a religous cult. I think it is better to laugh more than ponder sociopathic religous pyramid schemes, myself. Anyway,the Rockets looked at all the first round exits and decided that for the price of Bobby Jax and two late first round pics that they wanted could say, "I don't want your life," to the old days and risk their team turning into talk show fodder.

Despite any of this, I believe that we are moving toward a more enjoyable product. Louis Scola and not Ron-Ron could be the sixth man of the year. That is a bold prediction that if right means we will be, at teh very least, in the Conference finals. I firmly believe that Ron will need to be on the floor at the beginning of the game to keep him happy. Louis coming off the bench though adds offense and makes sense because he is an energy guy. not a crazy guy,

I like this trade because we gave away little that would fit on our team, and if it doesn't work we still have a trade chip/expiring contract. This finally give the Rockets a combination of players with edge and talent. I think Artest will be more like Rodman than J.R. RIder.

The Captain Signing off for now...

2008-07-29T16:59:00.002-05:00

So, I would love to tell you that I have not posted during the finals and the draft because I was on sabatical doing awesome things. I was in Cairo digging up pieces of antiquity. I was in the Swiss Riviera soaking in the plentitude of unfettered access to European... Actually I have been a lazy shit. It happens. I haven't written because I have been on my own mental holiday, but for you, readers, I will extricate myself from the mire of irresponsibility and donate a long rambling column of weirdness on the orange underground... Elipsis will abound... Even if they are used improperly...

The Finals... Still shocked. The West is the best. The Celts played beyond their ability for the first time in entire playoffs. The slid through the ice of the East and made it out because the conference sucked, and then they played a team that admitted they weren't ready. Fuck, people called this... It was like calling the end to a David Lynch movie. You might be right, but you were lucky. Real damn lucky. No way that finals represented the best in the West... I hate it... I hate it... more elipsis...

The Draft... typical... The Bulls drafted for fit like Ron Jeremy has sex for fit with a narrow virgin. I hope you were repulsed by that joke. Here we go, might not get better from here. Derek Rose could be the Charlie Ward or T.J. Ford, not a number one overall when Beasley is on the board. Micheal Beasley had better stats than Kevin Durant. The second year in a row a perfect first overall was skipped for a stupid pick... I said it, and it has nothing to do with the fact that the gimp hasn't played a game. Beasley will reach for the sky and tear up the ground... Bad Company style... F'n A Cotton, F'n A... Beasley will be the shit. If Pat Riley had skipped him the draft I would have driven to his house and talked to him about it.

Baron Davis... Oops! Elton Brand left. He left because Stern was diverting intentions away from the tampering charges and Tim Donaghy. He had to make sure Donaghy got a stiffer sentence than Pete Rose. Baron leaving the Warriors makes life better for up and comers in the West because both teams go shittier.

Brand... Elton will bring them to the finals if Igggie re-ups. For sure.

Josh Childress left because the dollar sucks. Usually apathetic about politics, but this one hurts. When the administration fucks us by letting the next sixth man of the year leave for Europe because our currency sucks we have problems.

Andris Beidrins got similar money to Emeka Okafor... Wtf?... Thats right I just typed a text abbreviation... I hate myself... Shit... Elipsis...

The Olympics are about to start and I am wondering what is going to happen with Yao's foot and Dwayne Wade's entire body...

Ime Udoka is the next Kelenna Azibuike (I spelled that wrong)...

More from the Captain more sooner than the last time.

How Everyone Loses

2008-07-03T12:53:00.002-05:00

So Clay Bennett is bringing the NBA to OKC. For those of you who don’t know, well, get caught up. I’m not going to waste any time here laying out the details of how exactly the NBA team that was the Seattle Super Sonics came to be the tenants of the Ford Center in Oklahoma City. I am more concerned with laying out why this is tremendously unfair to all sides involved.

Why it sucks for Seattle:
The Sonics had been Seattle’s longest tenured team. I have, tragically, never been to Seattle, but I keep hearing that the people there love their team. This move will apparently devastate the good people of Seattle. I sympathize with them, I really do. However, the reason this really sucks is that the political and business leadership in Seattle are the people who screwed this up in the first place. The reason David Stern and the league didn’t back up the city was because they wouldn’t build a new, state-of-the-art arena for the Sonics. I’ve always thought this was a lousy thing to call a city out on, particularly if the arena they play in is still relatively new (check) and is designed for the sport (check). I understood why the Spurs wanted to build a new arena to get out of the Alamodome. The Alamodome was an arena designed for a football team (which they don’t have and weren’t going to get), and an NBA team is going to have a hard time operating in sub-standard facilities, but by all accounts (excluding David Stern) Key Arena was still in pretty good shape. So here’s what needed to happen for the Sonics to stay in Seattle:

A. The good people of Seattle need to consent to a tax hike to pay for new facilities for the Sonics. This seems reasonable from a prosperous city like Seattle. Two factors made this a little unreasonable 1. Safeco Field (opened in 1999) 2. Qwest Field (opened in 2002). That’s right folks, two other professional arenas built and completed at least two a good extent on the taxes on the locals within the last decade.

B. Have I mentioned yet that the previous owner of the Seattle Super Sonics was a guy named Howard Schultz? Oh yeah, he’s the CEO of Starbucks. So he really couldn’t foot the bill for a new arena? I mean, I guess it would’ve been unfair since the city bailed out the owners of the Seahawks and Mariners. So if Schultz wasn’t going to put up the funds for the Sonics, then obviously…

C. Hurricane Katrina should’ve been forcibly stopped by the collective will power of Ray Nagen and George W. Bush, but since they didn’t use their powers to hold back the oncoming waters of a deadly storm, the New Orleans Hornets (under supported) had to relocate for two seasons to Oklahoma City. Now a place like Oklahoma City works well for a professional franchise, and they deserve to get a team of some sort (more on this later). OKC opened up its arena and sold out a ton of games. Suddenly the NBA is viable in the land of clay and Indian casinos. This means….

D. Maybe you shouldn’t sell the franchise to investors from OKC unless you’re ok with them moving the team there. I mean this really wasn’t hard to predict was it? I don’t have any insider information, but after seeing the success of the Hornets in OKC, was it all that surprising to find out that the new owners were going to exploit the arena issues to move the team out of Seattle? Schultz said he had an agreement that Clay Bennett and the investors would do their best to keep the Sonics in Seattle. I mean, you knew what that meant right? You knew their “best” wasn’t going to be good enough, right? I mean Schultz must have some business sense, right? It’s not like he’s the CEO of a company that has locations on all four corners of every intersection in America, right?

The political and business leaders stepped in too late to try and keep the team in Seattle, but the lateness of their action makes me think that they are either 1. Incompetent (almost certainly with politicians) and/or 2. They just didn’t care that much about the team (seems highly likely). The losers on this side of the equation are definitely the good people of Seattle, but I think the fans in OKC deserve better than this as well, and that will be the subject of my next post.

-Dusty

More Ramblings

2008-05-27T00:42:00.004-05:00

Alright this is gonna get weird... the following things will make their way into this post pepto bismol, strip poker, and a bullwhip... among other things.

I am bothered by the fact that the Pistons and Celtics series went to 2-2. The Celtics shot almost forty free throws and they couldn't win. This lends more creedence to the Doc Rivers argument I made last post. I am not a rocket scientist, but shit let's think about this for a moment folks. The Celts are a good free throw shooting team, 77%, which is good for 8th in the league. So, let's call it 4 out of 5 which is 32 points free points if they shoot slightly above their average. The Celts lost by 19 points. If I were Wyc Groesbeck I would be slogging back pepto bismol and wondering how I fire Doc Rivers without having every reporter with an original ideal playing the race card on me. If he fires Doc it will happen, the only thing he could do to cause more problems for himself is showing up to a Red Sox game in an Indiana Jones costume and nailing John Lester with a bullwhip, while screaming that the Martians were about to suck Machu Pichu and Fenway through a hole in the ground never to be seen again.

So, that's bad enough, but let's go to this more important issue. The thing that has been shown here is we are looking at a team that will not be defeated by anything but their own ineptitude in the Celtics. I think the mustache is going to have to pull all the stops out to get Boston to the finals and playing for the Larry O'Brien trophy. The mustache better have pictures of Joe Dumars in a strip poker game with Greg Popovitch and R.C. Buford playing for the rights to obscure Euro draft picks that someone has to take at the first opportunity. This would explain the Darko Milicic pick. It would also explain why there is no way that the mustache would be ok with a Spurs and Pistons finals, even if they are better teams this year than the other teams. That's questionable with the Spurs and Lakers, but with the C's and Doc at the the helm there is no question. I am not saying teh Celtics don't have more talent than the Pistons, but someone has to have a battle plan. The Celts don't have one. When Antonio McDyess starts looking like one of the best quick release shooters in the game against you maybe you have to start asking questions. What does the mustache have in store? Maybe nothing, maybe something crazy.

The game tonight should be interesting. What will the Spurs do? They are fighting uphill, but they look good when everyone is close to some of the best Mexican food in the country. This might be a positive for guys who are acclimated to the guts bombs that this can induce, and a decided disadvantage for those who are not familiar with the potential for disaster when Montezuma's revenge, Tex Mex style, is involved. If I am the Spurs I am making sure that the Lakers are getting the full service treatment from one the River City's many 24 hour taquerias that can make you feel like you are about to lose vital internal organs.

A post on trade rumors is cooking right now. The Captain signing off for now...

I was born a Rambling Man

2008-05-25T21:23:00.002-05:00

Some thoughts for you,

The Boston Celtics won their first road game in the playoffs. In the conference finals. Um, talk about backing your way into greatness. Let's think about this for a second. First round they played the Atlanta Hawks. For those of you keeping score at home the Hawks regular season record was eight games under .500. If you are a sixty win team, and you cannot beat a team that has arguabaly one of the most apathetic fan bases in the country that, and backed their way into the playoffs, then that's sign you won't get out of the next round. Unless you play the Cleveland Cavaliers, who are basically like the headless horseman of the NBA. They are terrifying until you figure out that the brains of the operation is a hollow pumpkin. The Cavs set offense makes Jeff Van Gundy look like an offensive guru. Which brings me to an interesting proposition? If Doc Rivers doesn't get a championship with this team, and he won't, how many seasons does he get to coach them. If they get embarrased in the finals, and they will if they get there, does Doc get fired? Does Doc get fired if they don't make the finals? I really want to know because it would be hard to fire a sixty win coach, unless that coach made it abundantly clear during the playoffs that his strategy didn't figure into it at all. Doc has done nothing if not that by having a superior team in the previous two series and dragging the series out to seven games somehow. If JVG were doing this wouldn't people be up in arms about this? People in Houston bristled when he had a team playing above their potential because he was a curmudgeon and he refused to give up the four hair come over. Thank you for finally giving that up Jeff. Doc should have been fired last year. He has a great team this year, that doesn't make him a great coach.

Detroit has one of the best benches in the league. I almost mentioned Rodney Stuckey in my preview, and I would have looked really smart if I had. This going to be rough for the Pistons if Chauncey isn't full strength. It would be interesting to me to see what would possibly motivate Sheed to turn this into his own personal vendetta to win.

LA and San Antonio is interesting. Kobe is mindblowing, now that I have gotten that of the way for Darko, I would like to talk about something else in this series. There have been an inordinant amount of make up calls in this series. Anytime the Spurs look like they are gaining momentum the game and the officials or foul shooting the Lakers will get a call somewhere. Take the we shouldn't have called a tech on Derek Fisher call on the next possesion. OR the fact that if Bob Horry had fouled Kobe the way Turiaf fouled Ginobli in garbage minutes we would be hearing about a possible suspension. I am wondering if Stern has a Manchurian Candidate thing going on with the officials in both the Boston series and this one to make sure that the officials do their part to provide the most lucrative finals (commercially) since MJ was playing. That being said the Spurs looked tired the first two games and were able to recover well for a third game. I am wondering if they have enough to get it done down the homestretch.

The Mavs are shopping Josh Howard? The Ponies want to get rid of one of the only athletes on their roster? I bet his trade value is through the rough after his recent confessionals on Micheal Irvin's radio show too. A quick aside on this, if you were going to confess to anything in front of Mike Irvin I bet talking about smoking pot in front of him would be like telling your grandmother that you have jaywalked once in your life. Irvin's exploits off the field are almost as well known as his palymaking on the field. I bet when they were off the air during commercial breaks Irvin was telling the young man about snorting elbows off of strippers asses, while Nate Newton bench pressed his own weight in pot. Right before the commercial break is over and Irvin has told a story that makes Howard feel he has to say something, cue the music, so Josh what are your thoughts on partying with some smoke? Roll tape. Speaking of...

Joakim Noah just got charged with possesion of the devil's lettuce, which is about as surprising as John McCain interviewing a fascist for his running mate...

Alright I'm done, The Captain signing off for now...

Final Four Part 2

2008-05-21T18:53:00.002-05:00

OK, just before game time I am going to give you my thoughts on the SPures and Lakers series, as well as a few other things.

Alright here is how I see it

Tony Parker vs. Derek Fisher: This one easily favors the Spurs. In fact if Parker doesn't get forty in a game this series I will be sorely disappointed. There is no way that Fish can stay in front Tony. I do have to mention .4 seconds for the millionth time just for Dusty's benefit.

Kobe vs. Edward Scissorhands (Bruce Bowen): Kobe will get his, and Bruce is noticably slower this year. However, he is damned annoying and should give Kobe fits by just generally being a dirty and cagey defender.

Ginobli vs. Odom: Manu will determine the outcome of at least one game in this series. He is the second best player on the court late in the game in this series behind Kobe. Ginobli beats Odom as an X factor. Odom will be dangerous if he isn't kept off the boards. His real value are the garbage points he gets.

Oberto vs Pau: Gasol. Not really much to analyze here, but don't be surprised to see some hard fouls from the Argentine.

Vlad Radmanovic vs. Tim Duncan: Um... I don't really need to say anything here either. Duncan will get loose for over thirty at least twice this series. Mark it. There is no one on the Lakers that can slow him down defensively. The only thing they have are lots of warm bodies to throw at him. You will see Vlad, Walton, Turiaf, and Odom run at Duncan.

Benches: I think the SPurs have the edge here for one big reason. They are more experienced, yes, but they are just mean. Robert Horry will commit his obligatory should we suspend him or not foul in the series. Michael Finley will shoot threes at backbreaking times. This series is going to get chippy. The Spurs are meaner though, and it will help them. If the Spurs win this series they will be the most hated team in years because they will have done it by beating the ever living shit out of the up and coming the NBA's glitter and glam team on the West coast. David Stern and the mustache are going to do everything in their considerable power to make this a Boston and LA finals. The difference in rating between that finals set and a San Antonio and Detroit series is staggering. I wouldn't be surprised to see Joey Crawford reffing hald the games in this series and sneering wildly at Duncan and Pop the whole time. Dick Bevetta could be prominitely involved too.

Coaches: This one is a draw. The two best coaches in the league going head to head. Should be good.

Other thoughts- If this Melo for Richard Jefferson trade goes through it will be mind bottling. You know when your thoughts get all trapped in your head like their in a bottle... One of the best pure scorers in the league who hasn't even hit his prime being traded for Richard Jefferson? How in the hell is that possible. Do the Nuggets enjoy trading for injury prone players who used to play in New Jersey? Really, how in the hell could they actually be considering this? The guy has some off court issues, but it isn't like he is J.R. Rider.

The Bulls won the lottery, more come uppances for teams that tank it. The Bulls hit the jackpot. They have to take Micheal Beasley first. That gives them the lowpost scorer they needed and then they can package Ty Thomas and Drew Gooden for something decent, except fo the fact that the Bulls never make trades that make them any better. See Larry Hughes.

The Captain signing off for now...

Final Four!

2008-05-19T22:08:00.002-05:00

"As long as we keep winning, I'm fine."
Manu Ginobli

Not a bad statement. We have the Conference finals ahead of us with the combatants now decided. So here you go, the Captain's preview for the final four at the grown ups table.

Detroit vs. Boston

Well, I think it will be interesting to see if Doc Rivers can confuse his players even further with irregular rotations, and just going with what works from game to game, rather than coming up with a strategy to win games that is specific to the circumstances they face. That was a Moby Dick style run on sentence there. Melville would be proud. It should be interesting to see if KG shows any extra motivation to show up his old skip on the other sideline, but my guess is that KG has less against Flip than he has against the guy with the largest collection of Cosby sweaters in the world. I would give you a player against player break down for this one, but we never know who Doc will play off the bench from game to game so I can't do that. I can give you a starting five comparison and go from there.

Chauncey vs. Rajon: Billups has the Mr. Clutch label. Billups is getting old though. I am wondering if Rajon Rondo doesn't just put his mind to running by Billups every time he gets the opportunity. Billups is a big though, it will be interesting to see what happens when they body up against one another. Billups could post up Rondo regularly and if the help isn't there he should be able to score at will. This is a youth vs. experience battle. Billups gets the edge, only because I don't think the Celtics have any plays drawn up for Rajon other than just letting him run into the middle. Chauncey will muscle Rajon around the court when he feels like it.

Rip Hamilton vs. Ray Allen: Which Ray Allen is showing up? The fans in Boston have been searching for this man like he's Bobby Fisher. He couldn't make a shot against a Cavs team that gave him opportunities. Rip is the best player of his generation offensively without the ball in his hands. Ray Allen is not up to chasing this guy all over the floor.

Tayshaun vs. The Truth: This could determine the series right here. This is the key match up because Pierce is the only person who has scored at will for the Celts, and he will be defended by Kentucky's version of Stretch Armstrong. Prince is one of the best defenders in the league. I would flip a coin to decide whether I would want Tayshaun or Shane Battier defending a swing man for all the marbles.

KG vs. Sheed: The next most interesting match up in the series. Sheed can score on KG. He is one of the few power forwards in the league that can match up with KG. Will he want to? I don't know. Can you predict the winning lottery numbers? Sheed can dominate, but KG is fierce. I expect a record to be set for stink eye exchanges with these two guys in a series. Sheed is the one guy in the league that I can picture hitting KG for mouthing off or posturing too aggressively. Sheed is the Martin Riggs of the NBA.

McDyess vs. Perkins: Antonio McDyess has the experience. Perkins has the youth. It's a wash

Benches: Boston's bench doesn't know who is going to play. Detroit wins.

A kicker here, Boston has to win a road game at the Palace if they are going to win because Detroit will take a game in Boston.

San Antonio vs. LA

This is the real series...

I have been hoping for this series because it will showcase a rivalry that could peak during this series. That's saying something because this ranges from .4 seconds to Kobe crying on camera. This should be a dogfight. Both teams are playing really well. San Antonio methodically made the game their own for game 7. LA destroyed the Jazz. In fact I need to take a little longer to figure this one out. More on the match up before the game on Wednesday.

The Captain signing off for now...

Hi, I'm an NBA Writer.

2008-05-19T06:47:00.002-05:00

I think NBA writers are sometimes paid by the overstatement. Like Chris Sheridan on ESPN.com calling yesterday's game seven between Boston and the Lebrons "epic." Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe too many years of covering the Eastern Conference has turned Sheridan's brain into jelly. What exactly makes a game "epic" to begin with?

Is it the fact that it's a game seven? Nah. Nobody gave a shit about game seven of the 2005 NBA finals besides Detroit and San Antonio fans.

Is it when we see an epic duel between two superstars? Lebron and Pierce both went for more than forty points! Ok, this is where I slam on the breaks of the crazy train we're on (finally hurling Randy Rhodes' overrated corpse on the track). You want to know why Lebron finally scored forty-five this game? Because he put up a shot anytime the ball came within a cat's fart of him. He was worse than thirty percent from 3, and he attempted ELEVEN 3's! I know 'Bron is amazing, but seriously, get a fucking conscience.

Kevin Garnett said everyone just got the hell out of Pierce's way in the game. Oh good, now Doc Rivers has the Celtics playing 1 on 4, just like the fucking Cavs. You know what would've been epic? Lebron going for 45 while shooting an overall of 45% or better. The Celtics could've been epic if they'd learned how to move THE DAMN BASKETBALL. There was a period during this game where my father was yelling at the tv about the lack of passing by the Celtics (who failed to score on consecutive isolation plays), and Boston calls time-out, comes back and moves the ball beautifully and scores, then they promptly move back to isolation plays again.

Boston, you were lucky to get out of that series alive. Have fun with Detroit. If the Pistons show up, you're totally fucked.

You know, now that I think about it, this was an epic game. Epically bad coaching. Nice job to Doc Rivers and MIke Brown.

The Lakers, Hornets or Spurs are going to annihilate you guys.

Ok, I'm going to work.

-Dusty

I'm Back Baby!

2008-04-29T21:41:00.004-05:00

Ok, I'm calmer now. It only took a week and a half, but I can watch games again. I can tell myself that I knew we were supposed to lose that series without Yao in the middle. I know that Tracy played really well, even though he had multiple surgeries shortly after the series ended. I know that Utah is getting their ass kicked right now, which confuses me. I am not sure which team I dislike more. LA or Utah? So, alright folks I am going to tackle that and other questions as I ramble on for thousands of words and make up for lost time in this post.

LA or Utah? My hatred for the Lakers is well chronicled. They are good again, and that gives me even more of a reason to hate them. The Kobe turn around in demeanor wreaks of the crazy grilfriend scenario. When it's good, damn it's good. When it's bad, damn it's bad. If the Lakers fall off, which doesn't look likely, I expect Kobe to not be such a nice guy any more. The problem are is they don't look like they will be bad again anytime soon. So, Utah... as a Rockets fan you have to hate Utah. If you don't then you haven't been watching long enough. Here's the thing, Stockton and Malone were the face of that franchise for a long time,and they were two of the dirtiest superstars ever. Not too mention having to worry about a wardrobe malfunction with Stockton's shorts. On top of that Jeff Hornacek's hair made Jimmy Johnson's hair product usage look mild. It's was like he played with a helmet on during the games. So why should hate this incarnation of the Jazz? Not only have they knocked my team out two years in a row... They have the same coach and you can see everyone of the players on that team falling into the role of a former Jazz player on the previous Jerry Sloan teams. If a player doesn't fit in Sloan's system he makes them cry and question their ability, see AK. One of the biggest wastes of talent in the league from a guy that people consistently call a COY candiddate. Speaking of that award

Byron Scott was on my short list. He deserved this award as much as anyone this year. The Hornets have mollywhopped the Spurs twice. As pointed out on ESPN.com the Spurs have looked old this series. If Dusty was close enough he would already be throwing things at me, but honestly he and every other Spurs fan have to hope that they find something cooking at home. The likelihood of that is getting less everyday. Never underestimate the problems with depending on a Frenchmen to sack up and stop one of the toughest players in the league. Parker needs to step up and run Chris Paul at the other end of the floor. Attack Paul until to the poin that he gets tired, and trap him often in the backcourt. Get the ball out of his hands as much as you can if you are the Spurs. Chris Paul is Santa Anna, and he is about to burn the Alamo down. If you aren't from Texas (then your readership is surprising) let me remind you that the folks in San Antonio got slaughtered in that particular battle. Right now the Spurs are crapping in the Riverwalk. Good luck tonight Dusty.

Detroit and Orlando... Any series where a clock malfunction gets most of the attention is a bad sign, but if Chauncey Billups is out I think this becomes a very difficult series to win for Detroit. Which allay the nightmares that I have had about Detroit actually making it to the finals. Can you get excited about a Pistons and anybody finals? That's what I thought. At least the Magic would be a new group of faces getting their asses kicked in pursuit of a championship.

Speaking of old faces that don't need to make the finals. Last year's visitors to the big stage from Cleveland really need to be swept out of the playoffs because they don't deserve another game after what had to be one of the worst four minutes of any game this season in the Boston and Cleveland game 2. In my opinion they should not have even gotten to the second round. Papa Johns was right to print up the crybaby t-shirts. Cleveland needs a coach who pretends to draw up go to plays instead of admitting that his only plan is to give Lebron the ball and let him free lance. Even Jay-Z has a beat written down before he goes into the recording booth. There's a comparison Lebron can appreciate.

As for the team on the other side of that series. They went seven with Atlanta. I don't need to say anything more, other than Doc Rivers might have less of a plan than Mike Brown.

That's the playoffs, and now for what is already an interesting off season:

Watching the Mavs lose was nice. Almost as good as if they had slipped out of the playoffs entirely. New Orleans dumped the goods on the Mavs and showed that they might really be the best team in the Southwest Division. That might actually be decided by an intriguing playoff match-up. The Ponies failure solidifies the Kidd trade, the silver lining if your a Ponies fan is that Kidd's contract will be a huge trade chip next season. The Ponies could turn that into a nucleus of young draft picks and prospects that Cubicles could get nervous about and trade away for another has been. That's right I am rubbing it in, but really would you expect less. Avery is gone, maybe you can hire Bob Knight and see if he chokes Dirk. Oh, wait you are going to hire Rick Carlisle. Another coach who will continue to try to make this team slow down the defense and pound the ball. He has also done a good job of keeping the Pacers on track professionally over the last few years, wait a minute... Are you envisioning Dirk slipping into the abyss of non-superstardom Jermaine O'Neal style under Carlisle's thumb? I sure can.

The Suns are letting Mike D'Antoni talk to other teams. Phoenix has no chance of hiring a coach that is going to make them any better than D'Antoni has. Simmons wrote a good column on the Suns recently, but let's play this out for a second. What in the hell are they going to do? Who wants that job? I have to coach a team with roster that fits together like the cast of whatever Real World cast fought alot more than the others (I am not Chuck Klosterman, and I am catually proud that I cannot identify any season of the Real World or Road Rules).I really don't think there is a coach that Steve Kerr is going to find that will be able to get this team playing well together for an entire season next season. And the other question is which Shaq will show up? The Big Rejuvenated or the Big Slow Malcontent? The Shaq trade is rough for PHX fans, and the only possible way to make next season work is to figure out a way to sit Shaq for at least 25 games next year, kind of like the Rockets need to do with Yao.

The Captain signing off for now...

Damnit!

2008-04-27T00:32:00.004-05:00

Sorry for the gap in post. I am evil mad. I am punching someone who doesn't deserve it in the face mad. PUNCH. KILL. KILL. KILL.

Again, I apologize but the just ended Rockets game floors me, Stu Jackson and Bob Delaney just bent us over a Sacramento and Portland style table. I digress. Fuck!

Anyway, lets talk about the start to the playoffs, piece by piece...

The Suns can honestly say that meeting the Spurs in the first round makes their trade a wash at best. Even if they are better next year this was supposed to be an instant fix trade, and it certainly is not. Shaq and the Sols are about to be the lamest team in this season's playoffs. Dusty will kill me once I jinx this, but I think the Spurs have effectively phallic slapped the Spurs.

Philly! The column I wrote about the coach of the year makes you think now doesnt it! Mo Cheeks is winning a series at 2 to 7 disadvantage. Mo has a team that has no chance winning a big time series right now. Motown is supposed to be in the conference finals again, but they may not make it. Interesting to see how shitty the East really is. This team has played well for half a season and it is not a stretch to call them a danger in the East.

The Hawks won one tonight. The arena was even JV with the shot clock issues, but at least they won one in their first playoff series in years. If Josh Smith doesn't go J.R. Rider he could be Dominique Wilkins. This kid can hang numbers in any category against anyone. If he was tuned into the game he would be Kobe and Lebron good. I think he is the new Rasheed. More intersting... Al Horford will kill the dick out of anyone. He talked shit, but Pierce deserved a tech even more if you watch. The vet should not let the rook mindf*ck him. He did.

The Orlando series. Dwight Howard is a beast. A terrifying man who can destroy the inside. Somehow, I think what Bosh has done is even more impressive though. Superman is awesome; Shaq redeux awesome. Bosh has a chance to really set it off though. Chris is a great player on a team that would confuse a mosaic artist. The Raptors overall composure sucks. Chris is making them look good though. Have you ever seen a team with two decent point guards that looked this bad though?

The Wiz. Someone needs to hate Lebron. I do. Everyone in Washington does now. The Wiz could kick the shit out of the Cavs if Lebron wasn't as good as he thinks he is. Lebron has become abrasive, but he actually is that good. Damn. I want to see a gimpy Gil light'em up. I also want to see Tough Juice mollywop some folks.

The NO Hornets are gang busters. You know I hate. You know who I hate. They don't get a direct mention, but they won't matter anyway. Go Hornets, GO. Chris Paul is scary good. Dallas losing warms my heart.

Kobe beating the Nugs is unsurprising. The Nugs could be good, but they are getting killed right now. They should be looking for a draft pick, but we know that they will suck ass into the fiture given their cap situation.

I could talk more, but I am still too misnathropic. more to come soon hopefully

The Captain

10 things I hate about D-loss

2008-04-04T23:31:00.002-05:00

The following conversation is real. I didn't change the names because none of these people are innocent.

Me: I really hate alot of the players on the floor right now in this Mavs and Lakers game.

Dusty: Who doesn't?

Me: Fucking communist, that's fucking who.

Pause

Me: The fact that a team just trotted out Devean George, Ty Lue, and Eddie Jones somehow makes me hate Dirk Nowitzki even more.

Dusty: You judge a man by the company he keeps.

So true, so true. So with this I bring you the opposite of the homer column, the hater column. I know I have written more about hating than loving teams recently, but I am really not a bitter person. I really don't like the Los Angeles Lakers, but I was genuinely pissed off that they were not handling the Ponies tonight. This is how much I don't like the Ponies, I loathe them so much that I will not refer to them by anything other than disparaging names that I have made up for them for the rest of this column. Wait a minute I do that to lots of people and teams. Let's just say that I never root for teams based out of New York or LA and I was rooting for LA tonight unabashedly. Hating the Mavs trumps the rule from the first set of columns about hating major market teams. Refer to the other rule about picking a team to hate. I hate the D-loss Ponies. Let me count the ways...

1) Dirk: He might be a nice guy. I just hate watching him play. He has always seemed soft. When Cris Webber calls a team you led soft and no one questions one of the least mentally tough, albeit freakishly talented, players of his generation you know you are soft. Oh, but he played on a sprained ankle tonight. If I hear another hyperbaric chamber anecdote I am going to drop the TV out of the hotel room I am staying in straight through to the lobby, smashing the steam tray that they keep the fake eggs warm in for the supposedly hot breakfast. Dirk had a good game tonight, but damn it isn't like he was playing on one leg. If he played on one leg I would claim that it was digitally enhanced footage. If I was there in person I would want to actually go and pull on the invisible leg to make sure that it wasn't really there and then have David Copperfield and Chris Angel explain to me how Dirk was faking this. That was a long way of saying I don't think itwas that impressive that Dirk played on a tender ankle 70 games into the season.

2) They employ Devean George, Ty Lue, and Eddie Jones. All members of the Lakers at one time which means they are tainted. Especially since George has three rings. I mean who deserves three rings less, and actually got to have them. Maybe some members of the Bulls from the MJ era, enter our favorite Australian player not named Andrew "my teammates hate me" Bogut. Ty Lue almost had washed the taint off of himself by being a Rocket and then toiling in obscurity. Then he ended up playing for the Mavsucks. I will let Dusty take care of the Eddie Jones bashing.

3) Eric Dampier. At one time he thought he was the second best center in the League. Wonder where he would rank himself now? Mark Cuban thought it was a bad investment to re-sign some guy from Canada named Steve Nash. Good job Cubes, I will get to you in a second. There is nothing like watching someone who looks like they should be a beast and knowing that they are a complete liability on the floor. Now for my next impression, Jessie Owens... or

4) The Jason Kidd trade. I have already covered how stupid this was, but just to emphasize the guy that was picking up the slack for the afforementioned waste of space is now in New Jersey.

5)Everyone gushing over Josh Howard. See Bill Simmons comment about how Howard is well on this way to becoming the next Ben Wallace on the under-rated to over-rated jump to conclusions mat.

6) How many Ponies fans could tell you much about Rolando Blackman? Who were the three J's? I don't even think they have good fans in most cases.

7) The fact that they collapse like a folding chair everytime pressure is applied. See Golden State, Miami, and tonight. Awesome.

8) Cubicle, Mark Cuban. Once an entertainment, he is now a charicature of himself. A walking, check that dancing, cliche of himself. Everytime this team could actually be good or get better by doing something logical Mark freaks out and makes a panicked move that stunts the Mavs growth like a four year old who drinks a pot of coffee every morning. Cuban could be cool, but he feels the need to make a spectacle of himself too often. The Dairy Queen move a few years ago was actually entertaining, but seeing a billionaire serve fastfood would be no matter who it was. Cuban supposed passion for his team is often self defeating because he pisses off the David Stern, and he really pisses off David Stern's mustache. All the mustache wants to do is engineer crazy trades in the comfort of its own jar, but know Cuban has to blog about officiating and openly bitch about problems that actually exist in the NBA. The mustache just wants some tact. It understands the bitching, but it prefers having a sit down instead of Cuban going off like Fredo's wife everytime there is a family gathering.

9) Avery. Fun player and a funny voice. Maybe not the best coach. Maybe a coach who should think about doubling Kobe Bryant. Maybe a coach who should come up with a game plan that is consistent so his team can have an identity.

10) Because I enjoy hating on the Ponies. I don't need to give another real reason. I like it and this is my space to rant. I have other reasons. Dusty has other reasons. If you really like the NBA you have mroe reasons. These are just a start.

The Captain signing off for now....

I owe you another post soon

2008-04-01T23:13:00.003-05:00

I'm back. I have been on hiatus for a few reasons. One was not wanting to write about the streak until it was over. I don't really even want to write about the Rockets now.They make me nervous. I watch the West and think Little Nicky thoughts: You're alright, you're alright, and you make the Lord very nervous. I will let Dusty write abou them so I can hit him in the back of the head with something rubber for jinxing my team if they don't live up to the very modest expectations I have for them without Yao in the playoffs (if they hold on). I won't begin to cover everything on my mind in this post, so bare with the incomplete commentary, at least you are getting something (if i had a nickle for every time I've heard that last phrase off set by a comma).

So if I am not going to write a homer column like Dusty then what the fuck am I supposed to write about? Well ladies (if there are any ladies that read this) and gents (the three of you)if you hadn't noticed the league has a few interesting plot lines that have emerged as we have gone along. I am going to give some cursory treatments of some things that you all need to be aware of going into the last part of the season...

The Coach of the Year debate can only between the following three men: Reggie Theus, Mo Cheeks, and Nate McMillan. For those of you who want to pick teams with winning percentages over .600 you don't get it. You really don't understand coaching. This is not college ball folks. College coaches can win games for their teams much more often than pro coaches. "Great" pro coaches have players like Kobe, T-Mac and Yao, Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, Chris Paul and Tyson Chandler, or KG and the Truth with Ray-Ray when his body permits. I think the coach of the year is a person that defies the odds with a team that people would look at on paper and say they shouldn't win. Teams look to these teams on the schedule and say there is a win because these guys will not be able to find their asses with both hands. The three that I just listed have kept their teams in games and have them playing competively in every game. The BallSacs, The Seventy Suckers, and the team of the future are not tanking their seasons though we all thought it would be more productive if they did from game one. The 76'ers will make the playoffs because they are in one of the worst conferences of any season in basketball league ever, even if they have a couple of good teams now.

- Reggie Theus- He get's points for the suits with silk scarfs sticking out of his suit. Very nice. The BallSacs are depending on Ron Artest to anchor their team and they have been succesful. Ask the good people in Auburn Hills the last time that happened. Sacto has been playing .500 ball and would be in the playoffs in the East. They never lay down. On a team that everyone thought would be on par with Memphis and Minnesota record wise at the beginning of the season I would have to say that I am impressed. I accused Theus of getting the other team high on paint fumes earlier in the season, but after seeing the BallSacs giving everyone a hard time no matter when or where they play them I am thinking that the Maloofs might be importing Vegas to whatever team's locker room they are playing. Every team looks like they are hungover when they play Sacto. They look like they stayed out drinking for free and going to houses of ill repute. It is the only excuse for a team with Kevin Martin (poor man's Monta), Ron Artest (headcase), and a collection of players that really shouldn't be winning games) together being competitive every night.

- Mo Cheeks- He is winning in Philly. Philly didn't trade for anyone or resign anyone this last offseason. I wonder where Igoudala goes if he leaves Philly. Thaddeus Young looks good. I am genuinely intrigued by this team because as bad as this team looks they have a better record than Atlanta, New Jersey, and are a game off Toronto. All three of the teams I just mentioned have at least one Max contract player on their teams. NJ had three. Atlanta has Joe Johnson and some legit young players. Toronto has Chris Bosh and a great point guard tandem. Philly's best player has the same nick name as their last best player, a young big man, and a point guard that's biggest value was supposed to be his expiring contract. Mo Cheeks has had this team playing hard all season adn winning games against teams that are more talented in every facet. The Sixers really should be a lottery team even in the East, but they are competing every night.

- Nate McMillan- Greg Oden is in trouble for playing a pick up game this late in the season and Portland is probably going to finish with a winning record. They will still be in the lottery. This team is playing well without one of the most anticipated big men to be drafted in years. Nate had these kids in first place in the West well into the season. The West is one of the best conferences in the history of NBA. 9 teams are going to win fifty games. I hope Dallas is the team to slip out if you had nto already guessed that. This team will be terrifying in a couple of years if the management doesn't do the same thing that Chicago did with a promising group of youngsters.

That's the coaching. The LA situation. Everyone is playing LA up because David Stern and anyone who stands to reap the revenue whirlwind from it has been having recurring wet dreams about an L.A. versus Boston final. Well folks, Boston is legit to come out of the East, and their homecourt is baller. If they get their they can fight. LA is in a bit of a pinch though. What do they do with two guys that were supposed to put them over the top haning played intermittently with their team. Bynum was supposed to be back, and I don't remember the last time I saw him on camera playing basketball. Pau has been out frequently since he got their midseason. My question is the same as Dusty's can they get all of these pieces working on the fly. Can the Zenmaster really bring Zen to this bunch?

The Shaq trade has opened things up for Amare. I said two types of basketball don't win championships. Check that. Phx can put Shaq in and let him be Shaq from awhile ago and freak teams out and then start running again. This trade seeemed stupid, but really Steve Kerr made a balls out move that has made the most talented members of his team better. Nash can make passes to anyone. He is going to be great anywhere. Amare has his idol there and has been kicking ass because he can run the middle because the shot blocker or enforcer of the team has to stay on Shaq. He has really been scary.

Golden State or Denver could be good for seven in the opening round depending on who either team draws in as the number one or two seed in an opponent...

Lebron is better, but his team is not much better than last year's...

The number of elipses and paranthetical notations in this post was obnoxious.

More to come soon. The Captain signing off for now...

A Little Home Cookin'

2008-03-26T20:50:00.003-05:00

Does hatred derive from jealousy? Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time. So does this mean I hate the Boston Celtics because I'm jealous of them? Well, I'm glad you asked.

A couple of years ago the Captain and I had a discussion about whether or not it was appropriate to hate the Boston Celtics even though they sucked. I'm sure I have made reference to that conversation in this space before, but I'm going to do it again. I suppose I can't speak for others, but I know a teams historic level of success usually comes into play in regards to how much I hate them. I hate the Yankees because they've won so many times. I don't hate the Mets. Why? Because they suck.

Hating the Boston Celtics until this year seemed to be something reserved for old Lakers fans. The Celtics weren't very good. Well, that might be putting it lightly. They sucked. Sure they had some success in the East, but that's like coming in first in a race at the amputee games. Sure you placed well, but you beat a bunch of dudes who don't have two legs. Good job, but you'd still lose a race to Michael Johnson, and he's old now.

Boston does have sixteen titles, but their last one came in 1986. It's coming up on the 20th anniversary for that win (for those of you keeping score at home). Suddenly after a very shady trade for KG (second this season only to the Pau trade, and they both rank in the top five all time shady trades) they have emerged as a title favorite with a starting five that includes Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and the aforementioned Mr. Garnett.

So why are they suddenly so damned popular again while no one seems to give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs? Let's break it down.

Point Guard: Tony Parker vs. Rajon Rondo

Parker is a former all star, NBA Finals MVP, (bad) rapper, French, and he's banging one of the hottest thirty-somethings on the planet.

Rondo. Well...Rondo. He briefly attended the University of Kentucky, and it's his second season in the league.

Advantage: I'd say Rondo (due to Parker being French and all), but Rondo is a nobody, and is probably destined to get annihilated by a good point guard like Chris Paul in the Finals. PUSH

Shooting Guard: Manu Ginobili vs Ray Allen

Ginobili is the leading scorer on the Spurs, Gold-medal winning leader of the Argentine National Team, Three time NBA champ, professional flopper, whirling dervish in the lane, and likely the most cold-blooded assassin year in and out on one of the NBA's best teams

Allen is one of the best shooters in the league. He can on occasion show flashes of his brilliance and slashing in the lane, but his 32 year old and reconstructed ankles limit this greatly. Definitely the kind of guy that makes you nervous when he shoots from downtown in a big game.

Advantage: Ginobili. Allen isn't quite the player he used to be. Manu looks as good or better than ever.

Small Forward: Bruce Bowen vs. Paul Pierce

Bowen is one of the league's best perimeter defenders. He used to be the uncontested best, but he's lost a step. Known for some "questionable" tactics (stepping under shooters, etc.) Deadly with the three-ball from the corner (either side).

Pierce is one of the best players in the league. I've previously outlined how his statistics match up frighteningly with Kobe's. He's one of the greatest players to ever done the Jayhawk uniform...this argument is silly.

Advantage: Pierce. I mean, duh.

Power Forward: Tim Duncan vs. KG

Tim Duncan has four NBA titles. Two league MVPs. Three Finals MVPs. A sweet bank shot. A degree in psychology from Wake Forrest. Oh yeah, he's also widely (and accurately) considered to be the best all around power forward, EVER.

Kevin Garnett has a league MVP. He's the fiercest competitor in the NBA (with all due respect to Allen Iverson). He absolutely never gives up in a game or anywhere, and he's won absolutely nothing.

Advantage: Duncan

Centers: Fabricio Oberto vs. Kendrick Perkins

meh

Advantage: Both guys are just there for rebounds and D. PUSH

Bench: Now remember, I'm debating the likeability of these teams, not necessarily the talent.

Celtics: Likeable E.T. look-alike in Sam Cassell. Genuine stiffs in Scot Pollard and Brian Scalabrine. Genuine thug in James Posey (and I mean THUG, just ask the Bulls). Genuine gastric-bypass candidate in Glen Davis.

Spurs: Old guys. Nobody particularly hate-able (nobody hates Robert Horry for hockey checking Steve Nash except Suns fans) A group of guys you could like if they were your team.

Advantage: Spurs

Jersey:

Celtics very class Green and White.

Spurs very traditional Black and White and Silver.

Advantage: Celtics. It's just a cooler jersey.

Home cities:

Boston: Great tradition of basketball. Gets cold as balls in the winter. Part of pretentious New England (don't forget, they think they're better than you). Destined to see people wearing Red Sox gear to games.

San Antonio: Great support for the team (due largely to the fact that they have nothing else). Tourist city because the weather is always nice (you can wear shorts to a game in February). Bad place to live if you share Glen Davis' lust for fatty foods. Nice people (You're not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway). Destined to see people wearing Dallas Cowboys gear to games.

Advantage: Even I'm willing to admit I'm too biased to pick this one.

Look, in an era where the NBA is relatively scandal free, this should be a time when the country comes back to basketball. One of the long-standing complaints was that the NBA was full of thugs, so why do people avoid the Spurs? They win (casual fans love cheering for a winner). They have young, fast, exciting players (Parker and Ginobili). They have a management team that intentional avoids guys with character issues. They aren't boring either (people who still say this just don't watch them, that's it. In 2003 and even 2005 they would've been right, but not anymore). So why do all the bandwagon fans on social networking sites run to cheer for a team with one bona-fide thug (Posey) and another testy player with a history of mixing it up (Pierce)?

Because people are fucking hypocrites. That's why.

-Dusty

P.S. You were due for at least one post that reeked of "homer"

Pick one. Just one.

2008-03-14T00:26:00.003-05:00

Welcome back to the fold Pheonix. I still don't like the Shaq trade, but... This was one of the best games of the season. The talking heads love to say the Phx Suns can win two ways, and now they are really dangerous. Fair enough, but let's not call this a novel ideal. How many one dimmensional teams win championships? The Detroit Pistons were the last one dimmensional team that won the championship, and they could do it because they spread the ball around among five solid starters. If you think the Spurs are one dimmensional you don't know shit about basktetball. Tony is fast, and always has been. To say the Spurs have to play slow ignores that they have two of the best guards in the league. That doesn't matter though because the Spurs play their style, and don't play to other teams' styles. Wow, I am starting to sound like Dusty. The point is the Suns being able to play two types of basketball is not that big of a deal. Teams that can play one type of ball, other than teams that just ugly up the game to stay close and don't win in the playoffs. Look at most championships teams, they played their style of ball... not two styles of ball. That being said they beat the Warriors convincingly tonight. They beat them when Baron scored damn near forty. They beat the Spurs and Shaq looked good in that game. If the Suns get out of the West they win because they can play the slower style not the fast one. They were better at that style with Marion, and only one team plays like the Warriors... That of course is the Warriors because only one team is coached by someone who once ran the USSR. The Suns are repeatedly saying that they are in training camp mode. 18 games to the playoffs guys. Training camp was over for most teams a little while back. The point is great teams don't play two styles of ball to win games. They make the other team play their game, and have enough parts that can do enough different things that they can keep their style despite mismatches. What style are the Pheonix Suns going to try to win with in the playoffs. I don't think they can switch back and forth between styles and win. Using a 20 million dollar a year guy to win one type of game means it better be the one type of game that matters.

A quick side note, there may not be anything better than the players deciding to mess with Craig Sager's suits. Sager's hankercheif was actually taken out of the pocket and used to wipe sweat from Amare by Nash. How many people that make the amount of money that Sager presumably makes would laugh about people defiling their wardrobe, even if they wore crazy shit to stand out?

The Captain signing off...

The Orange Underground! Not Cheetohs!

2008-03-09T23:33:00.002-05:00

We are still under the no-hitter rule.

The new Cheetos commercial are weird. Very damn weird, as Dusty and I have discussed. However,they do make me want to act like a vindictive shit and punish people with orage food dye and partionally hydrogenated oils. However, the orange underground is the NBA not Cheetos, let me tell you a story...

One day Jerry West called Mitch Kupchak and said, I am leaving the Grizzlies, but as compensation for my servide here they are letting me call in one last favor to take care of teh franchise I love. Kobe is also paying me all of his endorsement money. But we are going to hold off on trading Pau Gasol, and Kobe is going to openly criticize the franchise so that everyone is going to find the following events more dramatic than the series finale of Beverly Hills 90210...

These events will happen:

After wading through some disappointing play off losses we are going to flirt with the ideal of acquiring Jason Kidd. Kobe will openly criticize the organization for not doing this, and then you will have to let Andrew Bynum in on the plan so he agrees to stay. Kobe says some he things that he doesn't really mean about Andrew. It will all be OK, even though Kobe demands to be traded. We will look like the 2007-2008 season will have you looking Isaih Thomas. Don't worry I swear this is going to work.

I will then call in my favor and you will recieve Pau Gasol for next to nothing. It will be glorious, and chaos will ensue. AS a result of this trade we will have a damn fine team. However the beauty is that executives in the West will go absoutely crazy, and become more reactionary than the Patriot Act. Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire will willing accept a washed up Shaq instead of Shawn Marion or a number of other serviceable options ignoring the fact that Shaq has shit orbiting him at this point in his career. This makes us look less foolish for having busted up Kobe and Shaq while both were in their primes, but also keeps us from taking on the ridiculous contract situation that Miami and now Pheonix have agreed to pay to placate the Big Team Killer. Stay with me Mitch, this gets better. The conference will have continued to get better. This insanely convoluted plan will be made even better by the fact that in one of the closest Conference regular seasons ever we will have made the first place team in the conference completely change the style of ball that they play.

Wait... it get's better. The trade will facilitate another team becoming hysterical. Another known threat. The Ponies will trade a promising young guard for the leadership of an old elite point guard with a bloated contract and no championship experience believing it will shake them up and give them backbone. Wait for it... It is none other than the guy that we drove the trade value up on last season, your favorite meaningless triple double creator in NBA history, Jason Kidd. They too will plummet in the standings as they found out that their new rides have flat tires.

The phone hangs up. Kupchak and West go to bed knowing that they have stacked the deck in the Lakers favor.

That's the Orange Underground my friend. Believe it and know that David Stern masterminded all of this to up ratings in the playoffs. He keeps that mustache he had in those 80's drafts a in box inside a magic eight ball and whenever the league is going down hill he consults it. That's why this season looks the way it has.

This the Captain signing off for now...

You Talkin' to Me???

2008-03-06T19:10:00.002-06:00

I am treating the thing that you all would expect me to type about like a no-hitter. That's the only mention that you are going to het, remember the superstitions rule invoked early on this space.

Lebron is well on his way to scoring fifty points in back to back games. Two buzzer beating threes in the first half tonight. Good times. The game last night taught Spike Lee a lesson that has already been learned: Don't talk shit to Lebron James. It ends up badly for your team. A fan talking shit to James is like a girlfriend picking a fight with a guy that weighs fifty pounds more than her boyfriend. If you are playing Cleveland there should be pamphlets that are handed to the audience like the signs you see out side of tiger cages at the zoo then again we learned that people don't always read those either.

Celtics vs. Pistons didn't matter much. That is a seven game series that could be great, but Lebron could derail either one of these teams. Cleveland will only continue to get better. Boston will only continue to get better. The only way that Detroit ends up in the Finals is if Rasheed Wallace becomes a sane and motivated individual, well maybe just motivated. Wallace will not because the one person that kept hom motivated plays in Cleveland now.

I am really hoping that Dallas is the team to slip out of the playoffs in the West. How great would that be? I actually had a Mavs fan talk shit to me today. Check the standings lately Ponies fans? Seen your team play with the best point guard alive with two flat tires? Are you watching these games? Of course not, you only love your little Ponies not pay attention to the fact that you should be writing Dear John letter to Devin Harris and hel out to take Sam Cassell from the Celtics. The Ponies with P.J. Brown and Sam Cassell instead of Boston would have scared me more than the Ponies with Kidd. The Euro on Euro violence the other night was pretty bad too. Dirk's extra work to bring AK down at the end was why it was changed to a 2. Don't try to say that Dirk is showing toughness, he took a cheap shot on a guy that doesn't weigh anything. As Chuck said, he need to eat some happy meals. It is realistic to think that the Mavs could be the bubble team if they keep having trouble figuring out how to play with Kidd. You have to win 2 out of 3 games the rest of the way if you are in the West to have chance to make it in to the playoffs. Playing .500 ball from here on out will not get out in to the show this year.

Did you think that Denver would not be in the playoffs even if Melo and A.I. were the league's top scoring tandem? I would not have made that prediction. The Nuggets just look completely lost sometimes.

More to come. The Captain signing off for now...

The Space Wrangler

2008-03-01T22:48:00.005-06:00

Back from his trip as a Space Wrangler. Dusty is off to demolish some navy blue Ford Falcons in the never-ending pursuit to fight Fascist dictatorships in Latin America. He may in the future find time to be Travelin' Light, but today it is time for a reprieve to bring you the worst jokes and random commentary on the NBA season at this moment.

Eat your heart out Walton.

Last night, after the longest week in the history of time, I found some time to enjoy basketball. Here's what I found:

Utah v New Orleans

Kyle Korver joined the Utah Jazz in the first moments of the New Year. Since that time, the Jazz have gone 20-7. Korver has continued to shoot approximately 35% from downtown. Korver's addition was seen as the Jazz filling that need for an outside assassin. Now 35% is alright. To quote Caesar when presented with the alabastor bathing vessel: "Nice. It's not thrilling, but nice." The Jazz still seem to be pleased with him as a role player though. Here's a statistic that might make Caesar excited. Korver is shooting 46% from the field. He was shooting barely 39% for Philly. "Treasure from around the Empire!" It's a nice statistic since he's mostly a jump shooter. I mean, I'd take it.

His steals are way down from the first of the season, but his blocking rate is better. Jet said earlier this year that steals might be the most overrated statistic, since in order to get a steal a player usually has to sacrifice their position, which means they get burned a lot when the steal gamble doesn't pay off. So basically, Korver has become a more valuable defender. "Treasure Bath!"

I'm sure Jazz fans are likely the most excited about the fact that the Jazz have gone 20-7 for them. Having a high winning percentage in the Western Conference this year is some much important than it has been in longer than I can remember. So what is Korver's overall contribution? It's not the most obvious impact, but something is there. Let's call it the Butterfly Effect.

How OKC made NO a better basketball town

Oklahoma City is a boring capital to a boring state, but they do have fine collegiate athletics programs. The lameness and college connection made them a great place to host a displaced NBA franchise. People in Oklahoma needed something else to be excited about (lots of free time), and the Hornets needed a home. People in Oklahoma were excited. They brought in the great tradition from college basketball of standing until the home team makes a bucket. So classy. So supportive. The best part?

New Orleans' fans kept the tradition alive! I loved it. However, you could definitely tell that this crowd was not experienced. The game started slowly. There were no field goals for the first two minutes. The first serious opportunity to score was at the ten minute mark with David West at the charity stripe. So, here, dear reader is the question to you. When can the N.O. fans sit?

(wait)

(wait)

If you said after the first made free throw. You would be in good company, because that's when the Hornets fans sat.

While you were being a loyal and good fan, you were still not being a great fan. The great fan never sits until the home team makes a legit field goal. Oh well, it's a start for them.

Boston v Charlotte

Did you know Gerald Wallace has had four concussions in the last four seasons? I didn't. Damn. You gotta watch out for those 'bows, son.

Was Nazr Mohammed brought to the Bobcats for veteran leadership? I mean, he does have two championship rings.

Miscellaneous

I remember watching the Spurs play the Lakers in the 2003 playoffs. I remember at one of our playoff viewing parties (still my favorite post season, ever), my friend Megan pointed out that the Spurs would assuredly beat the Lakers, because the Spurs brought good players off the bench, and the Lakers brought out Jannero Pargo (had to look up the spelling of his first name).

Did you know Pargo is kicking ass right now? The announcers brought that to my attention. Apparently scoring about eight and a half a game in about eighteen and a half minutes is pretty kick ass. Who knew?

Peja Stojakovic will now be known as Jesus. This is not the result of his play, but simply because I think he looks like Jim Caviezel.

Does Lebron need a nickname? The color guy on the Cavs broadcast last night called him "L-Train" when he slammed home a fast break in the lane. I like L-Train, but will giving him a nickname marginalize his career? Lebron wants to be Jordan (or better), and MJ was the only pseudo nickname he had. Kobe is just Kobe (Mamba doesn't count, you can't give yourself a nickname). Russell was Russell. Wilt Chamberlin doesn't have a nickname (to my knowledge), but rumor is he called his johnson "Rusty". Then there are the guys who did have the nicknames: Earl the Pearl, Chief (Parish), the Dream, Reign Man, and who could forget that George Miken's teammates lovingly called him "Tits".

So is Lebron's lack of a nickname a result of a marketing campaign, or because people in Cleveland have no imagination?

Well it's been a Long Strange Trip (copywrited? REALLY?). Ok, it's fun hangin with you Pilgrims, but I've gotta Keep On Rollin'. Every game matters now.

-Dusty

I Just Heard the News Today, Oh Boy

2008-02-26T20:28:00.003-06:00

Almost two weeks without a post. Dusty and I can't complain about having readers if we don't write anything. Especially after a crazy two weeks in the Association that we have not adequately addressed. The Kidd trade... The Cavs trade... The fact that Pheonix looks lost with the Big Washed Up... Mike Bibby to the Bandit's hood ornament... Today...

We start with today. Why? Because I write this and it hurts. Catharsis. The Rockets are on a twelve game winning streak, hopefully we still get the penthouse streak. I think the number has something to do with Yao going down with an injury we didn't even see in a game. A broken foot because of a stress fracture at a young age when you rely on your feet to make a living is not a good thing. It's weird, I have felt really strange about this winning streak for the entire time... I just didn't want to get excited. I started to think maybe it would be OK to get excited about the Rockets. We were overcoming the failed signings/trades for the artist formerly known as the franchise and I'm Mike James bitch! The guy that people have (wrongly) complained about being too soft for years effectively called out his team. We made reasonable trades. Bobby Jax for a week rotation player and one that doesn't play at all for a guy that looks like the second part of a point guard tandem that doesn't make me feel like I have to let everyone know that Rafer (despite this great stretch) kills us late in games. We got the most underrated dunker in the game. Birthday cake has a great amount of talent. Maybe we can find a way to use it since Adelman has been getting the most out of young players. We started rough, but we were coming on strong. I didn't want to believe it. I was getting there. I was Wiley Coyote about to go for the Road Runner's jugular, and now I am wearing an anvil and my head is buried in a brick wall. I was actually wondering if it was bad that Dallas was closing in on Magloire. We would be better of playing small ball with Landry and Scola on the floor.

Mike Bibby went to the Hawks. A trade the Hawks had to make up for screwing up every decision concerning a point guard for the last half decade. Wait a minute was this a good decision. Mike Bibby is the worn out version of Chauncey Billups. Great contract coming out of a great post season, overrated from there on out for the most part. Both are very good players, considered to be good clutch guys, but both are not nearly what their rep would suggest. Bibby is being brought in to make up for the worst draft day decision since Darko, on par with the Kwame pick, maybe even Sam Bowie territory. Bibby isn't bad, but I would rather have the Williams or Paul. The Hawks finally made a trade, but it might have been a day late and a dollar short. I don't know that more than twelve people in Atlanta actually noticed anyway. If you land a point guard in a city of 3 million plus and no one cares, did you actually get one?

Speaking of broken down point guards... The Ponies got their Kidd, and yes I realize that riding a C.S. Lewis pun to this point has to be really annoying. My employers live to annoy the shit out of me with references of the same type, I subject you to such in order to maintain my sanity. There isn't much left. Back to Mark Cuban's little pony, the Mavs haven't looked that smart for making this trade to this point. Maybe they needed a shot in the arm to get the city involved, but the reality of the situation is that the few Mavs fans I consider basketball fans haven't lived in Dallas for a long time if ever. People in Dallas may have noticed, but they had to google when Kidd played there last and why it was a big deal that he was coming back. Shit, I still haven't analyzed the trade. The Mavs should have kept Devin Harris and got a vet that played shooting guard or center that could have inspired change without giving up rotation players. A classic Cuban move that looks great, but will cost so much that you resent hom for making it until it just doesn't work, just like you said it wouldn't. I know that was a spectacular run-on sentence. Comma splice like mutha. Fragment. Anyway, don't look for Kidd to grow a floppy haircut and make Dirk feel warm inside. You sent you meal ticket to the desert...

Speaking of the purple people, Pheonix has taken a short term hit with the Shaq trade. Yes, Shaq scoring 7 and grabbing 10 is worse than the Matrix doing the same. I don't blame Phx for ditching him, but I bring in AK instead. Shaq has the pedigree, however he has been washed up since he got to Miami. This is the midlife crisis move of buying a shit used Porsche instead of a slightly used BMW. Miami wouldn't have won the title that year if the East didn't suck, and the Mavs didn't have the constitution of a ten year old on December 26th who just watched their Christmas puppy get hit by a Prius and die slowly. Was that over the line? Phx and San Antonio and/or LA might be an interesting series because of the rivalry, but I don't see Phx having fixed any holes other than making some of the ones they had slightly smaller in the mental category. Other than the fact that Kurt Thomas is a better defender than Shaq. Where is he now? Ask Dusty, he might know. Anyone who comes out of the West wins a chance, but a puncher's chance is just that.

Now to Bron. The Cavs get Wally, the worldest biggest clock that runs slow now, and Delonte West. Wally shoots better than Donyell. Big Ben is more reliable than Drew Gooden at his specialties, and West, though questionable at times, is a better point guard than Larry "I duped everybody" Hughes. They got better. To continue the car analogy: They didn't have to get much better to make Lebron happier, but would you be happier with three new Camaros or a Ferrari? Camaros aren't terrible if you have a mullet, but a Ferrari when you already have one is a lot cooler than three Camaros. Lebron and any other guy who demands a double team would have been an impressive team. Lebron and three more guys who make you play one on one honestly instead of running a lax zone is better than what he had. Lebron and another guy who confuses other people would have been crazy. Maybe a big trade wasn't possible this season... I used elispes gratuitously in this post...

The Captain signing off for now...

The West is the Best

2008-02-17T20:30:00.003-06:00

The Bestern conference is going to be a thrity game fight to the end. The 1-9 spots are only determined by 4 1/2 games. I have never seen a race this close from top to bottom at the break, and if I had a research department I would have them substantiate the claim that this is the first time that this has been close. I know that if all these teams finish with fifty wins it will be the first time that a fifty win team didn't make the playoffs. Fifty games in the East would make you a homecourt lock. Why in the hell don't they make it a best 16 teams format, as Reggie Miller compelling says. A team like New Jersey being showcased in a post season match up is the worst ideal since making Micheal Corleone a concerned old man. The Eastern Conference first round is about as compelling as the Godfather 3; it doesn't destroy the whole franchise but it sure would be better without it.
That being the case, I am going to rank the top teams in the West 1-9, and yes the Rockets being in and out of the #9 spot is why I am going one outside the playoff bracket. However, they do have the same record as the 7,8, and 9 teams.

9: The Roy Munson of the group, especially if they finish at 9. I think they will. Denver has Melo and AI. That makes them tough enough that no one will want to play them, especially if they make a trade to shore up their backcourt, and give themselves a true passing guard who shoots a decent percentage from 3. I don't think they can do it. Their cap situation also sucks. They are Roy Munson because they are the best bowler on the lanes working with a rubber hand, which means they won't win everything. They have a good team with an amazing amount of talent spread among four individuals that can actually use it. Basketball teams have more than four people on the floor at one time.

8:Houston, we have a problem. This team is Jim Lovell in Apollo 13. For the obvious reason that NASA mission control is right outside of Houston, but beyond that we are in a shitty situation where we are going to have to take miscellaneous shit and turn it into an air filtration system for a space craft. The hodge podge backcourt is still and issue. However, we seem to be having the kind of luck that could sling shot us around the dark side of the moon and to our destination. We won't land on the moon Larry O'Brien style, but we might make it out of the second round. Maybe Tracy wins the first round for us with some amazing clutch shots and will be as big a hero as the inanimate carbon rod.

7: Golden State. This is the Mike Tyson of the group. I know that Mike is not a fictional character, but he is stranger than fiction much like this team. The Nellyball resurgence is refreshing, and the fact that they make Phoenix's shot selection look prudent and win close games makes no sense. This team scares everyone, and part of it is because Capt'n Jack can produce that same look that Tyson can that makes anyone on the receiving end know that they are in for an ass whipping. If you look at what this team gets by on, it is literally the fact that they will push their attack to the limits of absurdity, and rumor has it that Boris Yeltsin actually stands in for Don Nelson some games.

6: D-loss. The Ponies appear that they will still get their Kidd. This team is Fredo Corleone. You can't like them. They are getting Kidd for what amounts to Devin Harris and two first rounders. Not a terrible trade since Kidd is running on bald tires at this point. They just seem like they are destined to play their cards wrong in the hopes of ascending beyond their own ability. Then just like Fredo someone will take them fishing on their figurative lake and leave them at the bottom. They won't be good enough or smart enough to get out of the West, and out of the shadow of the other team in Texas with legit title hopes.

5: Micheal Corleone from parts 1&2 resides in San Antonio. Although this year they have looked a little more like Mike from part 3. We can only hope this is their way of sandbagging opponents. Really, if you look closely, this team, if it gets healthy at the right time, will have all the tools. More importantly they have the cunning to kill all comers without them knowing that its coming. They will just have a moment right before it happens where they realize that the good guy who seemed reasonable was cold blooded as hell, enter Timmy.

4: Utah. A dark horse team, and people will not talk about them as having a legit shot at the title. They should. However, I am going to call this team Stillwater from Almost Famous. They have all the parts to be great, but they can't play together. I blame it on the coach, just like I blame Crowe for destroying great casts. Sloan denigrating is not, and has never been in fashion. However, he has the least used best weapon in the NBA in his prime. A coach's job is to get a moody or bitchy player motivated to show that they can dominate. Sloan makes AK cry. Sloan has been let off the hook many times because he got beat by MJ. I think maybe he could get more out of the roster he has right now. He made the Jazz competitive at times when they shouldn't have been, but they have never had a solid ending. Sloan directs teams the same way Cameron Crowe directs his movies. Great characters and pieces, but the ending always leaves you scratching your head and cursing about the last decisions.

3: L.A. Lakers. This team got a Christmas Present. I am calling them Ralphie. No one expected them to be a team of consequence at the beginning, but they will beat the shit out of someone who was supposed to be better than them at the end. The Pau trade was a gift, Kupchak wisely will not look the gift horse in the mouth. I really hope they don't make it out of the West. They could.

2: Phoenix. We don't know what we have here until Shaq gets on the floor with them. They are Crash Davis from Bull Durham. They ordered a head doctor for Amare in Shaq. Will it work? If Amare is Meat then maybe so. Shaq has been to the bigs, so Amare will listen to him. Will Shaq be able to fit with the rest of the Suns without destroying the way the team has made itself succesful in the past? If he isn't Crash he will look like Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings.

1: New Orleans. They are Rocky. Everyone will want root for them, but they will get beaten to a bloody pulp by a better team. They could come back and win the big one later though.

The Captain signing off...

2008-02-16T21:59:00.002-06:00

I was tempted to type a post consisting only the following words "Dwight Howard" for my entire post, but brevity is not my thing. Goodness, this was so exciting I forgot to drink my beer. Gerald Green wasn't bad either, Dr. J was right that the barefoot dunk didn't get enough credit. The Birthday Cake dunk was just surreal. Any other year and Green wins, he is Dwight Howard's Steve Francis when Vince won in Oakland. If you rememeber they had that dumb ass wheel of furtune dunk thing that year that screwed Stevie. I have never seen anyone jumb higher in person than Francis around that time frame. Back to Dwight though... seeing someone that big jump like that was just baffling. I can't imagine having been in person. He was compared to Shawn Kemp tonight, which I have done before, but this was something all together different. The Reign Man could get his head over the rim, but I really thought Dwight was going to start levitatitng David Blane style just to start messing with people.
Next year people are going to have to walk on water to get tens, or maybe just jump over a tank full of sharks with laser beams on their heads. If you didn't watch this years competition, get to YouTube immediately. People will have this shit posted in the next thrity seconds. I promise. Dwight Howard's first dunk from behind the backboard could only have been done by someone his size. He made being seven feet tall work to his advantage. Anyone who has ever watched this competition knows that this is the only time in basketball when being that tall is a disadvantage. Dwight did this after the NBA for whatever reason refused to move the goal up to twelve feet for the second straight year. David Stern needs to go ahead and announce that he will comply with any Dunk Contest realted request Dwight has for the rest of his career in a public statement tomorrow.
Really, if you can't appreciate this then to quote Charles Barkley you don't like at-a let-icks. At least twice I jumped off of my couch and yelled "That's not True, that's Impossible!" The Dunk Contest is back.
The dunk contest amazes me because I cannot even imagine having the at-a -let-ick ability to even begin thinking about doing anything that remotely looks what was done this evening. I could enter a drinking contest with them though. The Captain signing off...

The Ponies and their Kidd

2008-02-14T21:51:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the obscure title reference, see if you cna figure it out on your own. Also, sorry for the absence, I have been indisposed in what people tell me is the real world. Fuck that. I am back to my real world now. Somehow in my real world Devean George has the power to block a Jason Kidd to the left testicle of the NBA. I really don't know how George has this authority, and somehow I don't understand George's logic. I certainly understand not wanting to go to New Jersey because the best thing they have going for them is that tehy are moving to Brooklyn. Last I heard that wasn't the best place to raise a family either. On a short aside, what happens to Spike Lee when the Nets move to Brooklyn? He is from Brooklyn, but he is a die hard Knicks fan. Do we get a Yankees-Mets rivlary if they finally move? Do I care? Um, let think... NO!
Back to the point, I would like that Devean has the power to do this just because I know that Mavs fans everywhere are waiting impatiently with puckered starcookies. On the other hand I don't like this because this was another classic example of Mark Cuban spending money when he is bored in away that would hurt the team in the long run. Kidd's numbers are not much better than Harris's. Stack is a wash since the Nets intend to buy him out, adn Dallas would sign him after 30 days. The funny thing is that George is nothing more than an ecpiring contract. Kidd is old, and while he might be a leader that could yell at Dirk when he decided to disappear, he is not the Jason Kidd that Phoenix traded way. He is not the Jason Kidd that couldn't push the Nets pass the four games in the finals with a team that wasn't that much worse than Dallas's roster after that trade. Look at that NJ roster. Martin, Kidd, Kittles, Van Horn, and all young and quick.
For those of you that don't understand Dusty and I's irrational hatred of the Ponies, I submit the following. Most Mavs fans don't even remember when Jason Kidd played for them. They probably don't know that the other two J's were Jimmy Jackson and Jamal Mashburn. They probably don't realize that everywhere Kidd has left got better soon after his departure. They probably don't know who Mark Aguirre is or Rolando. Really, Dallas fans have fallen in love with a free spending computer nerd, a floppy haired Canadian, and ze German. The floppy one now plays in the desert because the computer nerd decided it would be better to spend his contract money on a guy that plays 15 minutes a night when he is on his game. That and Dallas just kind of sucks as a town. It is the shittiest big city in Texas. Their fans don't know much about the game.
Kidd for that matter has a way of out staying his welcome everywhere he has gone. The man can pass the ball, and shoot 36% from the field. Makes him kind of like Drew Barrymore with a beard. Not sure that I buy it unless I drink a lot more. Kidd for that matter is coasting on rep. He may be pulling a Shaq. I can't stand this. I make 20 million a year, but I don't like it here so I am going to bitch my way out of here faster than Ricky Bobby's dad at Applebee's. What spoiled little brats, or big ones actually.
So given all this, I hope the trade does get done with or without the inconsequential piece who has found a way to be of consequence in order guaruntee he doesn't get paid less next year. These two, the D-losses and Kidd, deserve each other, neither one has ever won much of consequence. If the deal goes through it will stay that way.
ALL-STAR weekend posts to come. The Captain signing off for now...

Destroying the Environment and NBA Teams...Diesel

2008-02-06T19:27:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the absence. I've been...lazy.

I would be upset about the Spurs recent skid (although they have won their last two, but they are currently in a WAY too tight game with a beat up Washington team), but being that it's an even numbered year, I wasn't really expecting big things out of the Spurs...ok, that's sort of a cop-out.

(This is my thought process in the last week)

The Lakers got Pau? Damn. That makes them legitimately frisky. They can throw out a pretty good lineup with Mister .4 back at the point. I legitimately hate the Lakers again. Damn, the West is even stronger now. This is the worst trading deadline ever...

wait, what?

The Suns traded Marion for SHAQ? AYSOMF?

(end of thought sequence)

Ladies and gentlemen, this might be one of the worst trades ever. No, really. And you thought the Chris Webber pick up made no sense. Let me break down for you why this is idiotic.

Suns' thought process (based on previous actions): We need a good post defender to handle teams like San Antonio, because Amare collects fouls like Smither's collects Malibu Stacy dolls.

Suns' action: Dump Kurt Thomas as a cost saving measure. For those of you not keeping track at home, he was the ONLY guy who could even sort of defend Tim Duncan.

Suns' thought process: We need to clear some cap space for our team, presumably to stay away from the luxury tax line, because we need to be prepared to rebuild in a few years instead of maximizing the potential of a team (the best one we've had since Sir Charles) that will only last as long as our aging point guard with the bad back.

Suns' action: Dump a relatively cheap effective Duncan defender in Kurt Thomas. Trade away one of the most useful players in our highly specialized offense (and about the only decent defender on the team) for a giant, washed up Shaquille O'Neal. Look, I'm willing to grant that Shaq was one of the most, if not THE most, dominate players to ever play the game, but he WAS. Now maybe D'Antoni and Kerr have very different ideas in where this team is going, but throwing an overweight, out of shape, slow center onto a team that needs to run and gun is a TERRIBLE idea, even if you want to change the teams identity (considering they won around sixty games every year Nash has been there, I don't think the system is all that broken). Problem number two, Shaq's contract is HUGE.

Suns' thought process: We have chemistry issues. We need to clear this up.

Suns' action: Signing one of the biggest egos in league history. Nice job guys.

Look, there must have been other viable options out there. I mean, what was wrong with making a trade with Utah? If you're going to take on a giant contract attached to an injury prone player, at least get someone still in their twenties who can play in your system. Plus Kirilenko has that weird "free pass" night once a year with his wife (which can't go over well in Utah), and if the Coen brothers taught us anything, it's that people in Arizona are swingers (besides Nic Cage, of course). Plus Utah's big men handled Duncan in the Western Conference Finals pretty well last year. No, the Suns couldn't have taken Boozer or even the Turkey product, but Harpring maybe?

Apparently it is Shaq's destiny to be the piece that teams mortgage their future on. Somehow it fluked into a championship for the Heat, but they've had to quickly dump his out-of-shape ass.

I could be wrong, in fact I'm pretty sure I WILL be wrong, but from where I'm sitting, this looks like a stupid trade...well, stupid for them, great for fans of every other Western Conference team.

-Dusty

Questions???... really, I mean... really

2008-02-05T23:11:00.000-06:00

To the two or three of you that read this:

- Was David Stern involved in this Pau Gasol trade? Is this a Ewing draft day kind of thing.?

- Can anyone who wants to bitch about the Pats losing please just blame Bill Simmons for comparing them to the '86 Celtics two weeks before the Super Bowl.

- Should I even be remotely convinced that the T-Mac resurgence will work for more than one round into the playoffs? They are using the same team as last year with three rookies augmenting the team that couldn't dispatch the Jazz. The West isn't worse this year. Not yet. If people get hurt some of them will probably be Rockets.

- Should Dusty worry about the now listless Spurs? Is Eva Longoria going to end up being Dennis Rodman's Madonna or his Carmen Electra? Tony Romo's Jessica Simpson? A better question is how many indignant fans would have done anything different if they were in the position (excuse the pun) of these athletes? Tony Parker is a winner if the Spurs never win another game. He isn't Dennis Rodman and he doesn't play for a team in Dallas. The other reason is obvious.

- Did John Hollinger steal my ideal for a Kidd to the Hawks trade? Refer back to the archives, I did suggest this.

- Will Chris Webber's leg fall off in a game? It has to be a bionic leg if a running team like the Warriors signed him right? Has this procedure been mastered.

- Is Lebron about to take over the league and make the rest of these question invalid? If they can trade for any decent piece this guy will make Cleveland the Buffalo Bills of the NBA. Wait. That isn't good.

- Will the Kyle Korver trade go down as one of the best moves of the season? Kyle Korver? People call him Ashton Kutcher, that means this could be the Butterfly Effect for the NBA. Why did I reference that movie? Why?

- Jeff Foster is coveted? Indy won't trade him for anything? A guard who isn't a target? A forward who wants to be there? A person who makes Larry Bird look like a great execuctive?

- Why don't NBA players get traded more often? The salary cap can be managed in the NFL. Movement would make this more exciting. Any NBA trade brings light to my life. I admitted that, shit.

- Has there ever been a team that played so far below expectations as this year's Miami Heat? Look at projections. No one expected Minnesota to get the Lion's share of optimism between these teams this close to the All-Star break. Is this a result of Shaq's downward inertia literally sucking a whole team into the abyss of the NBA dredges as he masquerades as the Fridge's cousin?

I really loved watching the Pats lose, and yes I know that wasn't a question.

The Captain signing off for now...

Hatin!

2008-02-02T11:49:00.000-06:00

The Lakers got Pau Gasol. Think about thi line up in the fourth quarter of a play off game: Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, Pau Gasol, and Andrew Bynum. That, folks, is a team that not too many people are going to want to match up against. It also allows me to do something that I haven't been able to do with proper fervor in quite awhile. That is hate the Lakers. I have log disliked this franchise, especially when it was Shaq and Kobe together. Now that the Lakers are almost certain to have homecourt in the playoffs(I hope I can jinx them)it is going to be much easier to really hate this team the way I used to when they were making shots with .4 seconds on the clock. As I told you when we started this blog hating a team can be almost as much fun as loving a team. The Lakers are like the Yankees of basketball because they are never very bad for very long, even over the last few years when you knew they couldn't win it all they were making it to the playoffs. Kobe is just a very unlikeable guy on top of that. I never liked Shaq, but the Fredo move Kobe pulled was something that not enough people have held on to.
Add to all of this that the Lakers always have the press's undenying admiration and adoration. They will be all over them again, and referencing the Showtime Lakers enough to make you think that Chevy Chase might show up wearing 99 for a game. Jack sitting on the sidelines is entertaining because I like Jack, I just wish he was flying over another cuckoo's nest. What a terrible play on words. Anyway, I am sure that Bill Walton will end up commentating some of these games and just gushing like a proud mother when her little boy has brought home the prettiest girl in school. Except Bill's teeth will actually harder to look away from than anything on the court. Going back to things that have just been flat out forgotten, does anyone remember the press talking about how much Kobe was going through when he was going through the Eagle, CO trial? How does a man on trial for something like this get sympathy from the press? Because he plays for the Lakers. That is one reason that seems plausable to me.
Add to all of this that for some reason I have never really been able to get behind the ideal of cheering for Pau Gasol and this is genuinely a big development. Pau never really got me excited though he is a fundamentally sound player who seems to do all the right things. The whining about being Memphis for the last couple of years didn't help. Your in Memphis, eat good BBQ go to Blues shows adn enjoy your millions of dollars. Players who whine their way off of teams have always aggrevated me because it's really hard to like someone who bitches about making millions of dollars. I would gladly sit on the bench for the worst team in the league and collect the league minimum check. I would make a career out of it. I would be making more than 95% of the population to be a member of an organization that plays a game. So if you are a guy with a max or near max contract shut your damn mouth and play the game. You are paid absurd amounts of money. Pau's whining falls into this category.
All of this brings me back to my original point. I really don't like the Lakers, but when they weren't a title threat they were too innocous to really give teh full treatment. Now I can really get back to hating them the right way. This season has been a real boon for such activities with the resurgence of the Celtics too. Now all we need is for the Knicks to be good again...
The Captain signing off for now...

Talking Heads

2008-01-27T18:14:00.000-06:00

I plan my day around doing work all day and then watching the Rockets game as a wind down for the evening. Though Rockets game have been more stressful than recreational this season a lot of the time. Then Yao is scratched with an upper respiratory infection right before the damn game. I am still not going to get back to work.

I may have been wrong when I mentioned the NFL announcing being worse than the NBA announcing, however I have watched many more NBA games this season. The highlights of bad announcing. The NBA announcers rarely have head trauma to fall back on as an excuse. In some cases names aren't mentioned to make the person look better, and because I don't remember.

-Jazz announcer- "This team plays better with intensity and passion." Most teams play better when they are unfocused and apathetic. Thanks.

-ESPN announcer-Somehow this person felt compelled to compare Marcus Camby with Deke in his prime in Denver. I really don't understand how this is OK, both are shot blocking centers, but I have never seen an entire team avoid the paint anytime someone was in a game the way they did for about six years when Deke's finger wag was frequent. Marcus Camby is good... at getting injured. And being the defensive anchor on a team that does not play defense.

- Clyde Drexler- He called Iceland a continent. Bill Worell then proceeded to properly pronounce the jumble of vowels and consonants that is Iceland's capitol in order to show that he does indeed know which land masses are continents. One of the best insults ever because Clyde will never know that it was condescending unless he reads this post.

- Tommy Heinshon- Everytime he opens his mouth. He is the Billy Packer of the NBA.

- Bill Walton- This is reaching back, but Bill's commentary during the FIBA America's tournament that included much educational content on the current state of affairs on any country mentioned was phenomenal. It wouldn't have been so funny if not for the long silences and blank stares that it elicited from the rest of the coverage team.

- Portland's coverage team. Making jokes about Gred Oden's bobblehead not having scars on it. Um....

- The Knicks crew- Rarely do you here home commentators sound disgusted with their own team 85% of the time... during a win.

- Clyde "Walt" Frazier- I swear this man has an Abecca vocabulary list that he tries to work into each broadcast. Words get worked into game broadcast that only someone like Dennis Miller could pull off, and then they would fire him for using them correctly and making the common viewer feel stupid. Wait that happened. Clyde won't get fired, he says the words slowly enough so as not to be insulting. No one watches the Knicks anymore anyway, unless they want sit around bitch about them anyway.

- Chicago's crew- The last time I watched they still seemed like they believed in this team. That is admirable.

- The Heat's crew- Wait, I haven't watched a Heat game.

- The Mavs crew- I seethe with hatred whenever I watch these games so it is just a high pitch noise that is about as annoying as the Lamb Chop song combined with the noise that Jim Carrey makes in Dumb and Dumber.

- Sean Elliot- This man talks mad shit during games. I want to see Sean and Reggie Miller do a game with Charles Barkley. No one would be safe.

The Captain signing off for now...

just to let you know...

2008-01-25T01:22:00.000-06:00

The Rockets super sub will guarantee two big losses in the playoffs if they make it there. That would be perfectly acceptable if it was Rudy Gay. A superstar who won't play verses a superstar who could play is something that should have been taken into account. In all of this you have to respect Shane Battier. A consumate professional and a great basketball player.

The Spurs super sub should have been an All-Star, and it might matter that this team wasn't promoted well this season. They believe the hype before the All-Star break, and are coasting through too many games. This team works because it pays no attention to anyone. That might not keep working if they don't pay attention to their games.

Two weeks has people shutting up about the Celtics.

Two weeks (and the next two months) has people talking about the Lakers.

If you are a decent human being from outside the Boston area you want the Pats to lose the Superbowl.

No one gives a shit about NHL All-Star weekend. Trust me, it is less than six miles from my house(as the crow flies). I haven't seen a Maple leaf flag once today. Hockey is the first sport that kind of matterd to commit suicide.

Bill Simmons is responsible if and when the Pats lose to the Giants. The '86 Celtics would mock him for his last column.

The Donald is being unfairly portrayed as cheap. I can't belive I just typed that. He really wants to see this team win. Kaman was a worthwhile investment, Brand was given franchise money, but he should have let Maggete go for Jason Terry if that was a possibility. The other team in LA isn't playing because of injury not a bad roster.

Kobe and the Lakers will go in to the break in top 4. This is weird.

Stevie used to be the Franchise won't play again this year in all likelihood.

Kelenna will be th MIP.

The coach of the year candidates will include Doc Rivers, even though his team has won because he doesn't coach. Eddie Jordan, Byron Scott, and Nate McMillan are the only true candidates.

The East might win the Larry O'Brien because they suck. The road to the finals is unimpeded.

The Knicks are turning down trades. Why? Should you even ask why anymore with this team, probably not.

The Captain signing off for now...

Can Baron Score?

2008-01-19T17:25:00.000-06:00

The often injured Baron Davis tied his career high scoring mark last night with 40 points. This was puzzling to sports broadcasters and to me as well. I mean, it's not like he's playing hurt all the time. You would think that someone like the great Baron Davis would've had at least one game in the 50 point range, you would apparently be wrong.

In the interest of full disclosure (not sure why it's necessary on a fan blog where I use a pseudonym, but whatever) I should tell you that the Golden State Warriors are my second favorite team in the NBA. This makes no practical sense, because my favorite team is a very smart, defensive minded, paced kind of team. The Warriors on the other hand look like a bunch of guys playing a pick up game. I suppose this is why they'd be my second favorite team. They are built to be streaky and cheering for a team with ups and downs like that would undoubtedly give me a heart attack before I turn 35. Their streaky nature is what is so much fun to watch though, it's also why I don't think you'll ever see Baron Davis hit the 50 point mark in a game.

Golden State plays Nellyball, which is named after their Boris Yeltsin look-alike coach Mr. Don Nelson. Now, Nellyball demands that the players run a lot. The main objective is to score quickly with the first open shot and to try to force the opponent into bad shots. Now this means that EVERYONE on the team is going to be shooting the ball, frequently. This style of play doesn't mean that someone is going to just dribble the ball up the court and pop off a quick shot without passing at all (well, not all the time anyway). The objective is to find the first open person with a decent shot. Nelly demands that his players be aggressive, and they are. This is why Baron Davis isn't likely to hit 50 in a game. Everyone in their starting five is looking for offense (except possibly Andris Biedrins, although he gets in on the action sometimes). That means that the offense isn't going to run exclusively through Baron, which you would likely expect if you saw that he was making $10 million more this season that anyone else on the team. I mean, nobody gives a huge contract like to that to a player who isn't going to be a big offensive weapon...

So, since Baron is going to be sharing a lot of shots, I think this will keep him under the 50 point mark.

Speaking of the Warriors, one of my biggest disappointments this season was seeing that Matt Barnes got rid of the mohawk, so sad. On a related note, Damon Jones has a mohawk now. I was really not much of a fan of Damon Jones, but I found myself intrigued by his play the other night when I saw the mohawk. That's right, I'm not watching the Cavs for Lebron. I watch for Damon Jones' mohawk.

Speaking of bad teams, I think I know what the Chicago Bulls' problem is. They have no team chemistry. None. Joakim Noah got in trouble with the team for questioning everyone's desire and what not. He got in trouble for being right as far as I can tell. I was struck by how much this team doesn't seem to care about each other the last time I watched them. It just seems like nobody on that team hangs out together. I bet they don't go see movies together on the road, go whoring for women together or take long walks on the beach together. You know, all the things you're supposed to do with teammates.

That's all for now, more later about a what-if scenario and Damon Jones.

-Dusty

2008-01-16T21:27:00.000-06:00

I promise to use paragraphs. I promise to use paragraphs. I promise to use paragraphs. I promise to use paragraphs.
Ok, so my last post was a rambling mess, but there were still some good points. I have some more thoughts to bering to you tonight. They will be broken into paragraphs and hopefully stay on point, so I don't end up rambling on like a Catholic wedding.
I am still interested in the possible trade scenarios that are out there. Trades are one of the most exciting thigns in sports, and in the NBA it can really change things in a way that it changes no other sport. A role player at the right time in a sport where 9 man rotations are considered long is infinitely more valuable than a role player in a sport where there dozens of guys on the team.I am well aware that I am not considering hockey or soccer, and that's because hockey committed suicide a couple of years ago and soccer is fucking boring. In basketball trades for guys who are not stars can be the difference in winning a championship or getting deep into the playoffs, why do you think Derek Fisher and Robert Horry are such coveted assets?
The two most likely to move are BallSacs. Ron Artest and Mike Bibby are being shopped and one has to believe that Cleveland will do something to get Bibby. The only task that matters if you are in the Cavs organization is keeping Lebron James happy enough to be a one team guy for life. If Lebron leaves Cleveland through Free Agency the Cavs would be hard pressed to get the square root of the Hawks and Hornets attendance numbers combined into their arena. That means that 6 people would be showing up to Cleveland games. Bibby is a scoring guard that could really help the Cavs if he is healthy. He did have some clutch moments close to a decade ago when the only thing they needed in Arco was more cowbell. If Mike Bibby would please Lebron James then Cleveland has to get him.
Artest. Where do you send Ron Artest? Who would role the dice on artest? He is a bargain in terms of contract, but you end up paying for Artest in other ways. Think of Ron Artest as the cheapest best tasting thing on the menu at a road side taco stand. You are going to enjoy the choice to get teh Cabrito Burrito with extra calliente for the first two hours after the purchase, but the inevitable aftermath of such a dish is going to be embarrassing and really difficult clean up afterward. I wander what Artest could do for the New York Knicks. Zach Randolph, Stephon Marbury, and Ron Artest all being on one team makes me giddy thinking about it. What about Artest to South Beach where Wade and Shaq try to keep in line much like the Bulls and MJ kept Rodman in line. If Pat Riley can pick up Artest with a combination of expiring contracts he has to do it. Why? Because it could't get much worse down there.
I would still like to see the preseason offering of AK for the Matrix happen. It would wake up both teams and we would get to see AK 47 run, which would be amazing. The Matrix would be a good addition to a Salt Lake team that has been up and down.
What do I think about C-Webb going to the Lakers? It would bring someone who really knows how to win a championship to a team that is based on people knowing their roles. Webber plays flat footed and makes mistakes when the game is on the line. He is also not the best at handling criticism, so I am sure he and Kobe would really get along. Mitch Kupchak will pull the trigger on this one soon.
We already talked about Zach Randolph a little bit, who is supposedly being shopped. What do we do with a 20 and 10 guy that looks just like the 20 and not quite 10 guy that we have? Somehow the Knicks never asked this question until now. Which means that Randolph will be headed somewhere. He could be a really important piece if he were sent to the right team where he could get his numbers and not be the guy that keep the team together. Milwaukee actually makes sense for him in someways, but they have already balked. Seattle? If he didnt contaminate the environment there a low post presence to help out Durant might be interesting. Seattle has the piece to make the trade too, given that they have Kurt Thomas's expiring contract.
Well, I don't know if we will actually see anything happen. This is the Captain signing off for now...

Wait 'til they see us! They LOVE us!

2008-01-15T20:08:00.000-06:00

ESPN.com's Mark Stein has a way of periodically throwing out statistics that ruin my day, like when he noted that the Spurs are 6-8 on the road. I mean, WTF San Antonio? Eh, whatever, it's still early.

Random League Pass Observation: I saw this early in the season and forgot to mention it until now: have you seen the Nuggets trainer? You might be saying, which one? There are several behind the bench. You would know who I mean if you'd seen him. He's white, dreadlocked and looks like the kind of guy who likes to talk about how many grams of protein he's eaten each day for fun. This guy is ridiculous looking. He seems like the kind of guy who'd pull the "staring at himself in the mirror while he fucks someone" thing from American Psycho. Stupid in shape bastards. Did I mention I don't go to the gym enough?

I have decided I hate the Boston Celtics. I shouldn't, but I do. There aren't any really good reasons for me to dislike them. I continue to think Kevin Garnett is one of the best players on the planet. I've always thought so, and I do not find this to be any different now that he's in Boston. I grew up rooting for the University of Kansas, so I should never hate Paul Pierce, ever. Ray Allen might be a tougher guy for me to get behind though. I think he's a great player, but I also think he bitched about Bruce Bowen too much. He might actually have had a better case though. Most guys who bitched about Bowen had bad games against him. Ray Allen actually routinely torched Bowen (and it may be that stepping under a jump shooter is dirty, but unless they want to start calling it during games, you can just continue to forward your complaints to Bruce's voicemail, he's busy polishing his championship rings).

I think my real problem with Boston resides in their supporting cast. James Posey has long been one of my least favorite players alive. He's just REALLY dirty as a player. If you don't agree, then go ask Kirk Heinrich or Luol Deng.

The single biggest reason to root against the Celtics is history. They have an absurd number of titles, 16, including 9 in 11 seasons at one point. I realize that was a long time ago, but come on. A person should be obligated to root against the Celtics for the same reason a person roots against a team like the Yankees. You can't root for a winner like that unless you're from there (and even then you're cooler if you root for the other team in the city, unless you're Frankie Muniz). The two teams you always root against in the league are the Celtics and the Lakers (14 titles). The Captain and I had a discussion a few years ago about whether or not you should hate those teams even if they currently suck and haven't been good for a while. It was a hard argument to make against Boston because they were awful. Well, now they're good and I hope they die. Rooting for Boston makes you the worst kind of person alive. The only thing worse is being a Lakers fan (but that's only because you likely refer to people as "Brah" on a frequent basis).

By the way, guess who's number four on the list of most NBA titles all time? That's right, the Spurs. Hate me.

-Dusty

He's Already Got One!

2008-01-15T18:42:00.000-06:00

The Celtics have lost back to back... to the Wizards... without Giblert Arenas. As noted in this space earlier who would have predicted Caron Butler would be the gem of the Shaq trade three years later. The Lakers are so happy to have someone take the pressure off of Kobe whenit comes to having two players that have to be guarded. Oh yea, they traded him for Kwame Brown.That has to be a move that inspires confidence in Kobe. Will trade talk heat up again now that Bynum is out for two months? Kobe is high maintenance, and I don't see anyway to fix that problem. The Lakers will probably back into the playoffs, and lose badly like they have in recent years. Kobe will bitch like he has in recent years. Back to the point though. I don't want to revel in Boston's loss. Well maybe a little, but I want to talk about the Wiz winning without Gil. I have stated my affinity for Capt'n Crazy, and I really thought the Wiz were sunk without him. I have heard talk about coach of the year, and the usually brilliant CKE team on TNT threw out Doc Rivers. Please, Eddie Jordan and Nate McMillan are much more deserving. We have seen Doc coach teams out of games, the Celts are good now because Doc doesn't have to coach. Eddie Jordan has his team in playoff contention with their best player off the court. However, Tough Juice is pushing to take that title away from Gil. While Jamison is the other half of the leagues highest scoring forward tandem, I don't see him as a franchise guy.If he were a franchise guy the Warriors would have made the playoffs before last year. He can score, but where would Antwan be on your list of guys you want on the floor if you are betting on the game? He plays defense like collendar. If you don't know what that is, it's a lot easier to cook spaghetti with one. Point being I don't think Antwan would be on my top fifteen when it came to finishing a game out that I really had to have a team win. So what the hell am I rambling about? This rambling is coming down to the point that I don't know if I am so anxious to sign Gilbert as I was last summer. If he comes back this year and the Wiz make noise in the playoffs, say a conference finals appearance or a competitice series with the Celts with Gil then you keep him. If not you might look to complete the increasingly uncommon sign and trade deal. I think this is possible with Gil because he seems to want to do right by the Wiz and is opting out because he knows it is smart not because he doesn't like the team. The Wiz might feel like it is time to try another guy next to Caron and Jamison since they can score enough together to win. What if the Wiz had a killer guy in the post, or a proven superstar who was wanted to go somewhere else. If you could trade Arenas in a sign and trade you could get some interesting options. Say Kobe finally bitches his way out of LA. They could send him East for a marquee player and first rounder, and whatever contracts it takes to make it work? An interesting prospect even if it is unlikely. When it comes to trading for another high maintanence guard the Lakers won't be very keen because they've already got one. Oh yes, and he's very nice. I don't think Kobe is leaving the Lakers any more than Hillary Clinton is leaving Bill at this point. Or what about Tracy McGrady for Gil in a sign and trade? If I am Washington I don't do this unless the Rockets get out of the first round this year, but if they do that the Rockets aren't trading him. However, if the Wiz could get a solid post player and some a replacement guard like Chris Kaman and Corey Maggette from the Clips would they do it? I don't know that Donald Sterling does this, but if you could talk Donald into it don't you think that Gilbert would love hamming it up in LA. The guy is a born superstar. I know none of these trades are likely, but if you are the Wiz you have to be interested in what teams would give for Gil in a sign and trade, or even what they might give before the break if Gil talks to the other team about re-upping once he gets there like McGrady did with the Rockets before he got there.

Speaking of... If the Rockets don't get out of the first round, providing they make the playoffs this year I don't think McGrady stays. Yao isn't going, so all the jack asses on the Rockets website wasting their time asking decent writers like Fran Blinebury and Jonathan Feigen about getting rid of Yao need to stop. You don't give up a guy with a fanbase pushin a billion people. End of story. On top of that he is good and getting better. Guards and small forwards are easier to find than Centers who can control the game for extended stretches of a game. So what could the Rockets get for a superstar with more talent than all but maybe five other guys in the league? Well if that superstar is moody and oft injured that mitigates much of what you can get. If you start shopping McGrady you are going to have to sell for fifty cents on the dollar, but what if that dollar was an unprotected first rounder? If you get a high first rounder for McGrady and you know you can get a guy who is going to be a great scorer I think you might have to do it. Hakeem won his championships later in his career as a dominant post player. McGrady isn't old, but a mature Yao with good role players and a hungry young scorer is more likely to get deep in the playoffs in my mind. The Rockets have a tough road in the playoffs just by being in the West, so you have to wonder how well the Rockets are going to fair as this current roster is composed. I don't think the Rockets will or can make a trade to anywhere near equal value. I just wonder what a young hungry athletic scorer and role players who don't stay on the bench coudl do around a guy like Yao who is starting to become more of a leader. Maybe T-Mac can be to Yao what Clyde was to Hakeem but I don't see it now. So this has been a rambling post, much as title would have suggested since I stole from the some of the greatest comedic ramblers ever. The trade deadline is coming up and I wonder who will be available. Probably neither one of these guys. Quite likely because when it comes to two scorers without Championships most teams have already got one. The Captain signing off...

Come Down Here and I'll Kick Your Ass

2008-01-09T21:44:00.000-06:00

Just some random thoughts... I would really like to know what Ray Felton said to KG at the end of the 'Cats and the Celts game tonight. The tagline up top is about all I can think of, though it is hilarious to see someone looking straight up in order to talk shit. Furthermore, out of all the people to talk shit to KG would not be my choice even though he is a class guy he is about as intense as they come. The crazy look in his eye would be enough for me to let whatever it was slide, especially if my team had already won the game.

Isiah can't even stand to watch the Knicks anymore. He got kicked out of a game where the Knicks were actually hanging around after a night when they had actually won. The Knicks were staying close with the Rockets, sigh, and Zeke decides he doesn't like his seat and heads out onto the court. I think Zeke put the Imperius curse on Dolan. The Knicks were being booed with in the first three minutes of the game tonight. How is David Lee not starting on this team? He was the only guy out there that seems to want to play. The Knicks look like George Romero's basketball team.

Speaking of dead men walking, Hollinger seconded my emotion on the Heat today. Not a hard decision seeing as the have had their asses handed to them in two consecutive games by Minnesota and Milwaukee respectively. The only competent guy on that team that doesn't look a cadaver is Dwayne Wade. Wade ought to sit out the rest of the season and get healthy, maybe he could spend the rest of the season forcing Shaq to work out until the start of next season. He could be Shaq's sponsor AA style.

It is early in the year to talk about Coach of the Year candidates, but Nate McMillan has to be so far in front of the pack right now that it isn't funny. Portland has a young roster that Nate himself wasn't sure would win at the beginning of the season, and as Dusty pointed out if the playoffs started today the Rose Garden would be somewhere that no one wanted to visit. If Oden is half as good as people have hoped and Presti locks some of these guys up, Portland will be romping on the Pacific division faster than you can say Steve Nash is getting old. Portland is fun to watch, and they have guys that are not anywhere close to reaching their Hubie(upside). I think we should say Hubie instead of upside from now on because the man should have trademarked it, and I miss seeing Mr. Burns roaming the sidelines.

I think Steve Francis and Tracy McGrady are trying to outdress each other instead of out playing each other as Rockets fans had hoped. They have some really nice suits and diamond studs that could pay off my student loans. I imagine their conversations being the opposite of the McDonald's value menu commercial where the guys are discussing how much their wardrobe costs.

All-Star voting really needs to change. I am all for this being a showcase for the fans, but something needs to be instituted where people have to have played a certain percentage of the games to be voted into the game. You won't meet a bigger Rockets fan, but Tracy should not start this All-Star game. I would really like to see the guys playing the best basketball in the league playing together, not the prom queen parade showcasing their new shoes. Really, let's think about this do you remember your high school's voting for student council and yearbook titles, the same people won every year even if most people thought they were ass wipes. Granted some of them were decent and deserved to be voted the person that peaked to early, and even fewer of them were actually pretty damn cool. Much like the NBA All-Star game.

This isn't basketball, but does anyone in their right mind not think that Roger Clemens is jack ass, even on the off chance he isn't lying?

On the same kick as the BCS denouncers I am beginning to think the NBA might need to set up a tournament that pits those on the edge in the West against last four teams in the East to qualify for the playoffs, so that the playoffs in both conferences are a dog fight. 9-12 in the West would beat the East's 5-8, and it would not be close. Houston, Utah, the Ball Sacs, and the Paper Clips would only have problems with the Raps. The Hawks might contest, but Jersey and the one man show that is Lebron James would have a rough time with any of the teams not in last place in their division in the West. Put it this way do you want to see a series between New Jersey and Atlanta in May. That's what I thought.

The Captain signing off for now...

Have Stranger Things ACTUALLY Happened?

2008-01-08T21:14:00.000-06:00

Since the Captain is kicking my ass in posting, I decided it was high time to get back in the mix here, and by "getting back in the mix" I mean "piggy-backing on his idea because I'm useless."

By the way, I'm breaking out some N*E*R*D for writing music.

(Yes, as a matter of fact I AM the whitest person you'll ever meet.)

250-1: If you're a sports fan at all, then you know that Kobe demanding a trade was one of the biggest sports stories of the summer. The prognosis on the Lakers 2007-2008 season was, well, not good to say the least (by the way, if you just noted that prognosis doesn't exactly fit in the previous sentence then, well, get a job sir). Anyways, their season looked like it was going to be awful. They ran out Kobe (who is a certified bad ass) and a supporting cast of Lamar Odom (meh), Ronny Turiaf (ugh), Chris Mihm (yes, apparently they actually pay him) and the pu pu platter. It seemed the possibility of seeing the Lakers in the playoffs was about as good as seeing Roman Polanski get invited to a girl's thirteenth birthday party. Then all of the sudden...

Andrew Bynum! Apparently they were right to hold on to him. Then you have Jordan Farmar doing for ears what Cyrano de Bergerac did for noses. Seriously, I think those things give him some extra lift.

Now maybe Kobe ultimately doesn't want to be part of a rebuilding project, but is it really a rebuilding project when they have a record like, well, that leads me to my next point.

45-1: Records folks. If I was to ask you (assuming you had a rudimentary knowledge of the league but hadn't seen any games this season) to rank these teams based on where you'd think they'd be sitting record wise, how would you rank the following?

Lakers, Jazz, Hornets, Nuggets, Trailblazers, Mavericks, Suns, Spurs

Would you have expected in to look like this from the top of the conference down?

1. (tie) Spurs/Suns
2. (tie) Mavs/Hornets
3. Lakers
4. Nuggets
5. Blazers
6. Jazz

Crazy, right? The young teams have really come out to play this season in a way that people weren't expecting (myself included). Houston, a preseason favorite, has essentially crapped the bed. The top of the conference is about what you'd expect (Spurs, Suns, Mavs) but did anyone expect Hornets, Lakers and Blazers to not only be in it, but nipping on the big dogs' heels?

This turn of events seemed about as likely as seeing Mark Foley coaching a high school wrestling team.

70-1: Maybe this is out of order, but whatever. First of all, serious props to one of our four loyal readers, Tnilk, for pointing out the following surprising statistics:

11 Seasons, per 40 minutes averages: Points - 27.2 Rebounds - 5.2 Assists - 5.0

9 Seasons, per 40 minutes averages: Points - 25.0 Rebounds - 6.9 Assists - 4.1

The first player is Kobe Bryant. Guess who the second player is.

No really. Guess.

Paul Pierce.

Does this mean we need to reconsider Paul Pierce's career? I don't think you'd find a lot of people who think he sucks or anything, but that's his numbers compared to a player from his own era, a guy that a lot of people call the best player in the league. I suppose if the Truth gets himself an 81 point game then we can officially start the discussion.

(thanks to www.basketball-reference.com for the stats)

These stats seemed less likely than the possibility of the release of "Chinese Democracy."

1-230: The Knicks suck. Isiah Thomas is still their coach. David Stern is sitting idly by while James Dolan runs one of the most profitable franchises all the way through to China.

James Dolan as owner. Zeke as coach and GM. This is what we call the 7-2 off suit or as a friend of mine calls it, Operation Iraqi Freedom. Just a bad idea all around.

-Dusty

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut!

2008-01-08T20:54:00.000-06:00

The life of a professional basketball player has to be rough, all the money and the sex magnet appeal of being a professional athlete just has to be taxing. It's why people crack and can't quite make it in the league sometimes. They have to run home and cry themselves to sleep on their huge ass piles of money if they haven't spent it all on commodities with no equity (that's a fancy way of saying drugs, cars that no one else would want, and making it rain). Though he is not in the NBA, we are going to commemorate Mike Vick's trip to Leavenworth, Kansas with the first round of the NBA's all crazy team. And yes I realize that I didn't finish the Star Wars and Back to the Future article yet, but whatever. Let me go through the qualifications for this team.

1) the person must have an innate desire to self-destruct in such a way that since we as people without millions of dollars and with a few shreds of dignity cannot understand their need to do things that make no sense at all.

2) simple violations of the law don't count. They have to be compounded like Vick testing positive for pot after knowing that he was going to be pissed tested far enough in advance to clean out his system. In fact law breaking is not even necessary, there just has to be a large "what the fuck? factor" in discussing the person's actions. Kind of like one of the hottest girls you know dating an abusive asshole even though she knows she is slumming it. If you can look at the person and say why then we are in the ball park.

3) Said person had to have enough talent that you genuinely were intrigued by theri craziness. They could have been or were good enough to play at a level that sane players covet.

And with this I give you the Captain's version of the all crazy team!!!I apologize for the era specific selections, but these guys deserve it. I might need to amends this and maybe use the Delorean one more time and go back and write this in 1996. This team would have competed for the Larry O'Brien trophy in 1996. Two members went to the final that year. So maybe this is the All-Crazy starting five in 1996. This makes the selections almost irrefutable.

Point Guard: This one was a toss up, but I am going for bang for your buck and getting a tweener quarter back here because let's be honest know one in their right mind would want to distribute the ball on this team.Unless it was 1996 and this would have been a hell of a starting five. The inaugural member is Mad Max. Vernon Maxwell went into the stands for a fan beatdown long before Ron Artest graduated from scaring the shit out of AAU kids. Vernon was a master of giving oponents the stink eye, in some ways I think Capt'n Jack stole a page from Mad Max... both have rings. Not a bad start for the team.

Shooting Guard: Latrell Sprewell- This guy has more kids to feed than Travis Henry and Shawn Kemp combined. Not actually, but he is responsible for one of the most memorable quotes of all time concerning feeding children after rejecting a contract worth several million a year. We haven't even got to the part where he decides to choke his boss. I guess we just did though. It isn't that I haven't thought about choking various bosses over the years, but there was a certain amount of what's that word? Restraint. That's it restraint. When I wanted to choke my boss I was mopping up hurl and lung butter and slinging ranch dressing, and living below the poverty line. Spree was making millions and playing a game for a living. I also love Spree's broken hand incident on his yacht. There should have been an Unsolved Mysteries episode about this Robert Stack talking about metacarpals.

Small Forward:Isiah Rider- J.R. scored, and scored in bunches. He made an over the back half court shot while in Portland that literally brought me out of my chair and made me want to practice throwing a basketball over my shoulder while twisting toward the basket from forty feet away. I broke a window. J.R. got charged with false imprisonment. Look at his stats ( http://www.basketball-reference.com/players/r/rideris01.html ). Even they are pschizzed out, the way his scoring average fluctuates makes Congressional voting records look consistent. I am not sure how a guy that had this kind of jaw-dropping talent just decides to check out mentally to the point that no team will take a chance on him.

Power Forward:Shawn Kemp- I know it isn't cool to make fun of addiction, but that really isn't the point. Look at this from a purely logical standpoint, how does a professional athlete taking coke gain enough weight that he can't jump anymore. Kemp jumped so high in the 95-96 Finals that his went over the top of the square on the backboard. Dwight Howard hops. Team USA wouldn't include Kemp because they were worried about how he was conducting himself. One of the top ten players at the time in the NBA, and there were concerns that he would cause an international incident. Team USA has been anchored by Allen Iverson. Wow. Kemp's aversion to birth control has already been noted. The thing with the Reign Man is that his talent level can be most closely compared to Amare Stoudemire. If you didn't watch him with the Sonics, or with his first season in Cleveland he was that good. He did make admirable progress in comeback attempts, but I am going with a time period approach. At one period in time he was one of the best players in basketball and people honestly had no idea what he was going to do next.

Center:Ok we are taking the All-Star game approach. The next guy couldn't be left off the team and could play center though giving up some size better than Ben Wallace in his prime. Another former Piston, I am talking about none other than the WORM. If your teammates and friends nickname you the Worm you know that there is something going on here. Dennis Rodman was the best rebounder in basketball for years, and this is when Charles Barkley was in the league. For the record Barkley isn't crazy, he is just an asshole who happens to be right most of the time and the greatest player to play without a ring to show for it. Rodman though... he married Madonna. Long after anyone thought she was like a virgin. To bring Doc Brown back into this I would love to have a time machine and go back to see all of David Robinson's responses to Rodman when they played in the same front court. Can you see conversations between Rodman and Avery Johnson. This might be the single most regrettable missed opportunity for a reality show in sports history.

This starting five might have been a bit of a hodge podge as far as size, but it would have been a cornacopia of crazy. The things is if you look at this time period and their ability to play this team would have been crazy good. I hate myself for that pun. This is the Captain siging off for now...

That's not TRUE! THAT"S IMPOSSIBLE!

2008-01-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

Let's pretend Doc Brown shows up flux capacitor a kicking and says, "Captain! You have to come with me, it's about the future." Doc Brown takes me to Vegas (after scolding me for things that I should have known would have happened in 2007), and says alright you have to place these bets. This assumes that the bookies didn't laugh at you as you attempted to place the following bets... The pay-offs are as follows.

100-1: The Celtics would threaten the Bulls single season winning percentage through thirty plus games. I have already stated my confusion, but shit I can't believe this. Kevin McHale making Danny Ainge a GM of the year cnadidate, which stems from a bet made in the mid-80's involving McHale's first born and a lifetime supply of those Sears sweaters, and Clay Bennet doing his damndest to move the Sonics to OKC have something to do with this. However, their record still would have made me think that Zemeckis had gone even farther back in time and had caused the previous bet involving McHale's sweater collection, along with a bet involving David Stern's mustache at the time and getting the Celtics back to the top with a series of trades that would never happen.

99-1: The Trailblazers are ten games over .500 after winning the lottery. The Trailblazers are ten games over after losing that pick to an injury in the pre-season. This team is fun to watch, as Dusty and I have both said. They are also pretty damn good, and that means that they could be pretty damn great if Pritchard can keep all the kiddies in Oregon.

75-1: Someone over acts three movies even more than the title line was emoted through Mark Hamill. Thanks Haden. Just kidding, it will still be a basketball bet. That bet is that Shaq and Wade would fall this far... this fast. I figured this would happen, but after Shaq did a whole show on being in shape this summer I didn't think he would play through this season like he was went to south Florida looking for that thing from Cocoon. The Heat are in salary cap purgatory for the next three years. What were the odds that three years after that trade that Caron Butler would be playing at the highest level of any player involved? This collapse was inevitable, but the speed at which this heap started sucking ass was a light speed jump.

50-1: The Rockets hire Rick Adelman to replace Jeff Van Gundy and their offense becomes even more inconsistent. Followed by the Rockets most successful backcourts of the season consisting of guys on the team last year and a late first rounder after acquiring Mike James and the artist formerly known as Stevie Franchise. The Rockets inconsistency isn;t surprising given teh coacing change, but the areas in which they are inconsistent are baffling at times. They don't play defense for multiple possessions in a row. They aren't spoon feeding Yao. The coaching change and a fight to a first half five hundred not as big of a deal as the way T-Mac seems to be handling this and his leg injury. T-Mac being moody and hurt is almost as sure of a bet as J.R. Rider violating his probation.

30-1: Capt'n Jack being a viable MVP candidate. Just look at the Warriors record with him and with out him during his suspension, and their record to date. This isn't as silly as the other notions would have been to this point given last year's playoffs and the fact that Jax has won a ring.

25-1: The Hawks draft the right player with their first pick. This would be higher, but they were due, and they still picked a forward. Horford is legit though, and he was the only pick the Hawks could have made that impacted them immediately. The Hawks choosing wisely with Acie Law as the next pick will pay off too. Usually this front office avoids talent in drafts.

10-1: Scott Skiles is gone. The Bulls were good last year. They are not this year. Skiles was part of the problem though.

5-1: Isaih Thomas still has his job, despite losing a lawsuit. If only I could get paid to succeed at such a low percentage at an annual of six figures over a few years.

To be continued....

2008-01-03T02:45:00.000-06:00

We are still intermittent, but bare with us we will be back full force as the New Year really gets kicking. It's not like anybody pays us for this shit right? Happy New Year though. Hope the holidays were fantastic for you. I enter the New Year with a question... Do I hate Boston Celtics? or should I love them since KG is one of the best and has been working his ass off for years to get where he potentially could go now. It took thirty games, but I think they might be legit contenders. That statement including a might is silly since they are 27-3. They lose once every ten games; check the math 9-1 on wins and losses.Last year they would have lost to the Washington Generals on a good day. I am confused because hating big market teams when they are good is obligatory if you do not reside in the that area, but I really like Allen, Pierce, and Garnett. I have watched them all since the beginning of their careers and now they are all on a team that I know I should dislike if they are good. I don't have problem hating the Patriots even though I don't care about the NFL that much. The Red Sox are the new Yankees in most ways, though baseball matters about as much as hockey after a strike and the steroids bullshit. Only one player of note escapes scrutiny in the period preceding us in baseball, and that is Griffey, Jr. He escapes scrutiny because he has aged normally. Back to the issue at hand though, you have to root against NY, LA, Boston, and maybe Chicago if you are not from one of these places. I give a maybe to Chicago beacause I really like the place and hated the Bulls only because I was the only person in America waiting for 23 to lose. He had to leave before the Dream could get a portion of his due. Should I hate the Celtics, they seem to me too Jerry Bruckheimer with the 3 superstars and a rehashed nickname, but then again I did like the Transformers movie... I am beginning to wonder where the foundations for my beliefs have gone. A soft spot for Pierce is there because of Big 12 affiliations and the way he gunned when the Celtics were hopeless. Allen has never been threatening and plays the game the right way. KG is KG, and there is not any reason to discuss wishing this man the best on the court if you actually like basketball. I still feel like slime rooting for the Celts though. Tommy Heinshon makes it worse. So does Bill Walton. So does anyone who refers to the new team as the big 3. I don't know if it is enough for me to want to see them lose though. This is starting to feel like a dear Abbey letter. Anyway, this is the Captain signing off for now...

Skiles and the Shaq Ad.

2007-12-24T12:16:00.000-06:00

Greetings from the Pacific time zone!

Start times for everything out here are quite odd. I always complain about how late warriors games start when I'm back in the central time zone, but out here, everything from the eastern and central time zones ends at about eight p.m. It really is weird. I feel like my head is going to pull the old "arnold schwarzenegger on the surface of mars" from Total Recall...or not.

On to business.

Scott Skiles got the axe in Chicago, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. Obviously I WAY over-hyped their team at the begining of the year, but I'm not sure how much of it is Skiles fault. Seems like more of it would reside in their front office. Skiles wasn't responsible for over paying a player they didn't need, nor is he at fault for creating a massive distraction with the Kobe talk. He also isn't necessarily responsible for Kirk Heinrich suddenly looking like he's the starter for Chicago's WNBA team.

Then again, Skiles is responsible for his pissing match with Tyrus Thomas, and that certainly hasn't helped team chemistry. Skiles could also be stuck with the stupid decision not to start Noccioni and Deng together for most of the season.

I don't know how this will work out for the team, but I think their season is close to being a wash at this point.

On another topic: recently Shaq's ad for the heating pads that you can apply for pain relief have been running a lot recently. There's one scene where you see Shaq's exposed back where a pad is applied. I watched this about three times before I realized that it must be a body double. The body they show is in really good shape, and Shaq is not. So how embarassing must that be on the set of the commercial? Say you get paid millions of dollars a year to play a sport, and when it comes time to film a squence with your shirt off, they have to use a more fit body double. Do you get upset? Or do you just say, "the hell with it" and drive off in your Ferrari?

-Dusty

Holidays

2007-12-22T13:08:00.000-06:00

As you have noticed, all five of you, that is, Dusty and I are taking somewhat of a holiday sabatical due to our respective locations in high altitudes and concrete jungles. Mostly because were lazy though. Some random thoughts to tide you over until we get back from holiday debauchery with people we love and some we don't.

Rasheed Wallace's jingle bells remix should take on viral proportions swamping youtube with more traffic than it can handle. It is awesome. The league pass is great because you get to watch all the NBA teams do Christmas promotions, which means you get to see Deke Mutumbo awkwardly belt out Jingle Bells with Yao Ming. I don't know which one of these guys looked less thrilled to be doing this, but it is funny as hell either way. Speaking of local markets on league pass, I have decided that I want to travel to half the cities in the NBA just so that I can eat the food I see on commercials... it could increase the pace to my first eating related malady for which a doctor prescribes medicine instead of telling me to eat healthier.

Remember folks the holidays are the only time of year when it is socially acceptable to be a lush. So enjoy. The Captain signing off...

The NuWave Oven and some free knives

2007-12-13T20:43:00.000-06:00

So, it's a Thursday night and I have a twelve pack in the fridge and some bad homemade nachos in front of me. A farily average night. However, the NBA despite my avid patronage and willingess to spend a $160 I don't have to get league pass has two games on tonight. No died, there isn't a holiday. If I wanted a Thursday night schedule like this I would give a shit about the NFL. The first game is one of the worst that could ever be scheduled. It is the NuWave oven infomerical version of the NBA game...

There is an amazing offer for something that can't really do what it advertises. The recent NBA champions, Miami Heat, take on the not so long ago up and coming Washington Wizards. In a battle of teams that are about as appealing as a jock strap growing mold TNT will market this as a game that is fun to watch because Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller will tell you how bad it is all night. The ESPN pundits will tell you that the Heat are worried, but not that far behind where they were lat season. You know what, last season they made the playoffs and bowed out ingnominiously to a Chicago team that couldn't find their own asses with a big gay penis right now. I am supposed to be excited that they could make the playoffs and look like a cracker in a circle jerk? I don't think so.

The Wizards are playing without Gil and are pretty much owning the Heat as I watch this game. Sans-Gil Wiz ass whipping in which Antwan Jamison looks like he is back in Golden State, and Caron Butler is making Kobe want to deficate in Mitch Kupchak's coffee cup could really only happen against a couple teams, and the Heat are one of them. Shit on a stick this game is bad.

Why do I watch? For the same reason that at two thirty in the morning you watch the NuWave Oven commercial. "Touch and Go" in thirty minutes chicken dinner with vegtabales, this looks delicious. You know that this is a load of crap and that you would never pay to use one because in all likelihood anything that comes out of the triple action cooking machine taste like a hockey puck. You know that as you watch this commercial that it is time that you will not get back. You know that as you watch two teams that really don't matter that you will not get the time back. So, why do we do it? The answer for me has to do with the fact that at least the basketball game is not scripted, there is a chance for something crazy to happen. Like Luke Jackson looking good, or Jamison putting up numbers good enough to make D.C. fans optimistic. Maybe the fact that DeShawn Stevenson always has big games, but never warrants a decent contract. Look at what he makes compares to other guys with similar numbers. The NuWave oven cooks a ten pound turkey touch and go. This food is amazing. I bet it really isn't even edible. This game really isn't even watchable. You have no excuse for watching, excpet that the next game is going to be the free set of Ginzu knives.

This is a truly amazing commercial. They cut diamonds with the paring knife and they slice cars in half with the cleaver. The Spurs I am willing to bet will not lose two in a row without making the Lakers work for it even with the two All-Stars on the bench. If they win I can see Kobe starting to bitch about wanting to be traded again. This game in that sense has great potential because it could speed up Jason Kidd trade talks, or start some more interesting trade talks concerning the best single talent in the NBA (even if I don't like him).

Barkley called the Spurs Groundhog Day because he could watch them every night. I could watch that old guy run over his Ginzu knives with a lawnmower and cut something in half with it afterward and then explain how he could send them back every night. The Spurs are obviously better than the Lakers with Parker and Duncan; this is the only reason I put the Spurs in an info commercial category. I am watching this game not because it is important or indicative of reality in the NBA, but watching Manu and the Red Rocket slice and dice the Lakers should be fun.

The Captain signing off...

2007-12-11T21:13:00.000-06:00

Alright, I had to take a break after that for a little bit. Hopefully T.J. will be OK. I left off with the Cavs, a B. We probably don't need to explain any further that Lebron equals a chance, no Lebron equals no chance.

The Ordinary Average Guys

C+: The Atlanta Hawks: They probably deserve a B, since they have won seven of their last eleven including the loss tonight. They are damned impressive when they are out on the break. No one can stop Josh Smith, except Josh Smith. If life is a highway, Josh Smith is his own speed bump. This guy can jump like a young Shawn Kemp, another power forward that couldn't get out of his own way. Marvin Williams continues to improve, and make the Hawks look less idiotic for nor taking Chris Paul or Deron Williams. Marvin can play, but he looks lost sometimes. The thing that scares me about the development of this team is that it Joe Johnson almost seems to resent that he has to be the go to guy on this team. Isn't that why he came to Atlanta? His remarks the other night after a win were to the effect of, "I shouldn't have to bail us out, we should have won by 20." You are one of the only guys on this team that has been legal to drink for more than two years. It is your responsibility as the supposed grown up to lead this team. Stop bitching and start playing the part, or the Landlord will evict your ass. Ok, Shelden Williams isn't evicting anyone, but the nickname still makes me laugh. I think I will give them a B- because of Shelden's nickname and striking looks.

C+: The Indiana Pacers. I have no reason to change my mind here. A team that will do nothing in the playoffs, and really is a team in between having to blow up the roster and trying to contend. They have been since Auburn Hills. This team is not that compelling, and they continue to get into disturbing incidents off the court. A good start means nothing for this team, look at the last couple of years. Blow it up.

C: The Washington Wizards. They are even in the win-loss column without Gil. Last season without Gil they looked like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie without the explosions, a Cinemax movie without nudity, a pizza without cheese. Oh people do that. People also get excited about bad basketball team. The only reason to watch this team is not playing, and threw out dates concerning his return that ranged between now and when your cable guy actually shows up to fix something. Still, props for keeping the ship afloat. If I am on this ship, I am getting off at the next port though.

The GED division

C-: The Milwaukee Bucks. I want to like them. I actually really do. Micheal Redd is great when he is not injured. Bobby Simmons is hurt more often than Redd, and if you remember he was on the cusp of being a really exciting player when he left the Clips. It was like the Clippers luck followed him to Milwaukee. Andrew Bogut is Australian and talks shit about the hip-hop lifestyle. How many of his teammates talk to him? About the same number that can carry on a fluent conversation with Yi. Despite that the team can put up some good games, and play a compelling style of basketball when they don't look like the young mishmash of players that they are.

D+: New Jersey Nets. I'll tell you right now this is not a grade they like to give out. I wanted to give these guys a failing grade. Any team that has Jason Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson in the East should be well over .500. History shows that they get their shit together and play well enough in streaks to tease their fan base. They look to be in about the same position this year. Rod Thorn will hold this team together like a redneck keeps a '79 Chevy truck together. The NBA equivalent of bondo and chicken wire will keep this beater passing the state inspection for just long enough to slip into the playoffs.

Remedial Bracket

D: Charlotte Bobcats. One step forward, and two steps back. They add talent and play below expectations. They spend some money and don't win games.They put Micheal Jordan in the front office and allow him to stay. The UNC weiner rubbing contest that MJ brings with him everywhere he goes is not good for anybody outside of Chapel Hill. Other than the fans of basketball teams in every other NBA city except Charlotte.

D-: Philly's 76'ers. The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. Philadelphia is starting anew,and they really should. They are on the right track.

The Give 'Em a Shovel and Teach 'Em to Dig Bracket

F:Miami. Good thing half of the guys has no reason to believe that Karma shouldn't be bighting them in the ass right now. Good thing the the other half have every reason to believe it should. I like watching them loose. Which way to their next huge embarrassing failure?

F: Chicago. This one really is confusing. Then you look at their shooting percentages, and spit out the Maddenesque comment, "Well you can't win games if you don't score points." Chicago execute every part of the game except for shooting. If you are taking a test this is like saying you can do everything, but answer the question coherently.

F: New York. Turd Sandwich.

The Captain signing off.

Western Conference Grades

2007-12-11T19:54:00.000-06:00

It's about twenty games in to the season. The Captain and I decided the time was right for the first quarter grades. We have taken slightly different approaches, but you, being a wise reader, will undoubtedly make sense of it all.

A good teacher will, when possible, take into account how a student is doing compared to what they are capable of doing*. Keeping this in mind, I am off to grade the Western Conference.

* I am in no way saying I'm capable of teaching anyone in the NBA SHIT.

By the way, I'm taking this on like a spaghetti western.

Northwest Division:

Utah Jazz
Record: 13-8

The Good:
-Carlos Boozer is having a great season averaging better than 25/11 a night.
-Deron Williams is averaging the most minutes on the team, and he's only at 37 a night

The Bad:
-They have some really bad loses to the Knicks, the Ball Sacs and Indy. Not that they got blown out(well, Indy kicked them around), but losing to those teams looks bad if you consider yourself a contender, even early on and even if the Sacs have been extra frisky on occassion.

The Ugly
-Mehmet Okur. Two words: eyebrow wax.

Grade: B+.
Two really inexcusable loses, Knicks and Sac. This team should be 15-6.

Seattle Supersonics
Record: 5-16

The Good:
-um...Eight of their loses have been by seven points or less. Not bad, considering this team was expected to be terrible.

The Bad:
-Kevin Durant is shooting 39% for the season. Considering he's the primary offensive weapon right now, that isn't so good.

The Ugly:
-Terrible record. Owner plans on moving the team. Pissed off fans. It's ugly all around.

Grade: D
They're supposed to be bad, but if you get paid millions of dollars, then you need to win SOME of the close games.

Portland Trailblazers
Record: 8-12

The Good:
-Even without Greg Oden, this team is looking better than expected for this season. They've lost close games to good teams (San Antonio) and beaten some good teams (Dallas, Detroit, New Orleans).

The Bad:
-Lamarcus Aldridge is the leader in nearly every statistical category. He goes down, this frisky team could go right down with him.

The Ugly:
-This team has made several very good personel moves, and then they drafted Josh McRoberts. Really? WTF?

Grade: B

Minnesota Timberwolves
Record: 3-15

The Good:
-They just managed to knock off Phoenix!

The Bad:
-Let's see...they have a grand total of three wins.

The Ugly:
-Antoine Walker is their veteran leadership and he's being paid over 8 million dollars a year. Yikes.

Grade: D
They're bad. They have one of the leagues biggest cry babies for veteran leadership, and Kevin McHale is still their GM.

Denver Nuggets
Record:13-8

The Good:
-Marcus Camby is averaging more than three blocks a game. That's ridiculous folks.
-Just about this entire team is shooting around over 40% from the field. Yikes.
-Iverson and Anthony are two of the top scorers in the entire league.

The Bad:
-I realize he's impossible to take off the court, but Allen Iverson is averaging about forty minutes a night.

The Ugly:
-Maybe I'm beating a dead horse, but they lost to the Knicks.

Grade: B+
They really should have at least two more wins.

Pacific Division:

Sacramento Kings (Ball Sacs)
Record: 8-12

The Good:
-Kevin Martin.
-The Redemption of Beno Udrih
-This team looks REAL frisky sometimes.

The Bad:
-Their best two players (Martin and Ron-Ron) are both averaging about forty minutes a night.

The Ugly:
-Check out the player picture of Brad Miller on espn.com. He looks like a grown up version of Alf alfa.

Grade:C
Something about Reggie Theus' metrosexualtiy is confusing this team into playing well occassionally.

Phoenix Suns
Record: 16-6

The Good:
-They're playing very good basketball while keeping their main players minutes down.

The Bad:
-They don't SEEM like they're playing very good basketball when I watch them, and they just lost to Minny (inexcusable).

The Ugly:
-It just seems like the fact that they need cap space and that Marion and Stoudemire can't exist in the same zip code together (rumor) is going to hurt this team sometime. This team used to be fun to watch play. They seem like they're not having any fun now.

Grade: A-
They're winning games, so I guess that's what matters, right now at least.

L.A. Lakers
Record: 12-8

The Good:
-Apparently the rest of the Lakers decided to show Kobe that they don't totally suck.

The Bad:
-The rest of the Lakers actually DO suck (at least comparative to Kobe, which might be unfair, but whatever).

The Ugly:
-At some point this season the "Bad" is going to show up, and Kobe'll probably push for a trade again. It's just a matter of time.

Grade: B
Seriously, did you think they'd be a playoff team as of now? I sure didn't.

L.A. Clippers
Record: 7-12

The Good:
-Chris Kaman is averaging three blocks a game! He's also apparently becoming comfortable talking to members of the opposite sex, aw, big ugly is growing up.

The Bad:
-This team is bad. Just plain bad.

The Ugly:
-I won't lie to you folks. I really do my best to avoid seeing this team play.

Grade: C-
They're bad. They were supposed to be bad because Elton Brand is out.

Golden State Warriors
Record 11-9

The Good:
-Record before Stephen Jackson came back from suspension: 1-6 Record after his return: 10-3.
-They are the most entertaining team right now, no one else is close.

The Bad:
-Baron Davis WILL get hurt. It's going to happen. It's as certain as the tides, the sun rising in the east or Stephen Jackson's next suspension from the league...

The Ugly:
-This team should still be vulnerable to a team with a good post player, so they're still just as vulnerable as last season.

Grade: B
It may look like you're watching a pick up game at the Y sometimes, but it's the best pick up game you've ever seen.

Now, the for the best division in basketball.

Southwest Division:

Memphis Grizzlies
Record: 6-14

The Good:
-Rudy Gay might have been on the all "not sure if he gives a shit" team in college, but he's been about as good as advertised in the pros.
-Juan Carlos Navarro has been the best Spaniard in the NBA so far this season.

The Bad:
-Juan Carlos Navarro has been the best Spaniard in the NBA this season. Hello, Pau? Time to show up and play. (That's right, 17/7 isn't good enough for me)

The Ugly:
-It kind looks like the Darko and Pau are planning to take over President Harrison Ford's plane sometime this season. Hey, it's the all terrorist look alike team!

Grade: C
I know they weren't supposed to be great, but I still think they're underachieving.

Houston Rockets
Record: 11-11

The Good:
-Scola looks like he's starting to adjust to the style of the NBA.
-Bonzi is playing much better on Adelman than he did under JVG.

The Bad:
-Rafer Alston brings the ball up. Rafer Alston dribbles into the corner. Rafer Alston gets trapped. Rafer Alston turns the ball over.

The Ugly
-Stevie Franchise makes his return to Houston, starts to play well, gets out of Adelman's dog house (no word on why he was there), promptly starts playing like shit.

Grade: B-
That's being generous considering they've played like crap recently, but they're still .500, for now.

Dallas Mavericks
Record: 14-8

The Good: I hate this fucking team.

The Bad: I mean, I really hate this fucking team

The Ugly: I fucking HATE this team

Grade: Go fuck yourselves Dallas.
No seriously, here's rusty spoon. I hope it helps.

New Orleans Hornets
Record: 14-7

The Good:
-Chris Paul is the man.

The Bad:
-Chris Paul is slightly injury prone.

The Ugly:
-David West and Peja are slightly injury prone as well.

Grade: A
They've played really well, even if they should've stayed in OKC because New Orleans can't support this team. Seriously, put the Hornets back in OKC and let the Sonics stay in Seattle. The only people who'd be pissed about this are people who think that would be cruel to do the a city that's rebuilding. Shit, they couldn't support them BEFORE the hurricane.

San Antonio Spurs
Record: 17-3

The Good:
-They're off to the best start in franchise history.
-No one is averaging even 35 minutes a game.
-They just beat Dallas and Utah without Duncan

The Bad:
-Bruce Bowen has definitely lost a step.

The Ugly:
-Francisco Elson gets called "Cisco." Matt Bonner gets called "Red Rocket."

Grade: A
Kicking ass, taking names. Any other team you'd think they'd started out too fast. Even Duncan's injury that looked like some kind of negative to balance out the Karma, but it turned out to be pretty mild.

-Dusty

A Quarter Evaluation

2007-12-11T19:14:00.000-06:00

Most teams have already played 20 games, which is roughly 25% of the competition in the regular season. If it was a Presidential election they would have already called the winner. Good thing this is not a Presidential election. Though, David Stern might be one of the better candidates available at this point. Don't worry I am not going to write a lame ass column comparing teams to candidates in the upcoming primaries. I don't give a shit what the majority of people in New Hampshire or Iowa think about the talking heads running for the right to fuck the American people over in whatever way they think sounds the best decide. I just hope we get some Howard Dean quality soundbites out of it. No friends, I am here to talk about something far more important. The grades for the first quarter of this 2007-2008 NBA season. I have been gracious enough to give Dusty the West. My grades for the Leastern conference. These are not projections of the aggregate GPA for the year so to speak, merit is based only on performance to this point.

The NOT so LEASTERN of the bunch

A+++: The Boston Celtics. They are good so far, and damn good. The fans in New England are so far up their own asses right now it isn't funny. If somehow Bill Simmons reads this I am irrationally blaming you, just because you embody the annoying guy that is enjoying this way too much. I also might be bitter you get paid to write about this, while I sit on my couch drinking PBR and eating food that doesn't expire for another four score and seven years. Enjoy life in sunny southern Cal, Bill. We all know about the big 3, which by the way is yet another example of sports commentators recycling nicknames. Boston already had a big 3. The supporting cast has been better than anticipated. Rajon Rondo is scoring almost 9 points a game and handing out five dimes a game. Big Baby looks like he might be about to drool on himself in his ESPN profile pic, but to has shown signs of life and the ability to take up half the lane. Kendrick Perkins and Eddie House have also had a pulse. What about a Spree comeback here? He and KG play well together.

A++: The Orlando Magic. Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard. I was hoping this would work like Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls, Biggie Smalls and he would appear on a team that didn't beg for Shaq comparisons, even if they are warranted. I have done it myself and apparently ESPN took note of it and decided to devote a page to scouting report. I like the Magic, as I have said. Jameer Nelson is coming into his own. Keith Bogans is another Kentucky castaway putting up 10ppg. Stan Van Gundy is winning games for them. Really, just read what I wrote recently, and remember that they have a Turkey product.

A: I hesitate to put the Pistons in this top tier after their recent history of mailing it when it matters. However, this is the period of the season that matters least, and unsurprisingly they have played well during this period. They have the some core players, but the one thing that could make them difficult to deal with is that their young guys Rodney Stuckey, Jason Maxiell, and Jarvis Hayes could give them an edge if they continue to develop.

Now for all the parity that supposedly exist in this league now, these are the only teams at the very second I write this that are more than a game above .500... Play ball at that clip in the other conference and you don't make the playoffs much less have a chance to get a top four seed.

The Better than Bad, They're Good bracket

B+: The Toronto Raptors. These guys have already played some games without their best player, Chris Bosh. Chris Bosh, please nobody call him CB4, he isn't Chuck and the guy deserves his own name. T.J. Ford just ran by you and you didn't even know it. That's how fast he is. He just dribbled the ball between your legs, which is impressive since you are sitting down. He's that fast. Jose Calderon is a starter on almost any other team at the point. The Raptors should walk away with the fourth seed in the conference. I guess I did make a prediction.

B:Cleveland. I know what their record is. They will lose every game they play in this league when Lebron is not on the floor. With Lebron on the floor they can win on any given night. Not four out of seven because Lebron has to do his by himself. They did get Varejao re-signed to a decently priced deal. They, being Danny Ferry, don't look quite so dumb. Actually, the perverbial they look pretty damn awful when you look at the cap numbers and the way they play when LBJ is not on the floor and they cannot play.

Wow... The air just got taken out of this column. T.J. Ford just hit the floor hard after a flagrant foul. They wheeled him off on a stretcher. Everyone keep T.J. in their thoughts and prayers given Ford's previous spinal injury. I have to take a minute.

Back soon, The Captain.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2007-12-10T21:27:00.000-06:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Come on Dusty. I can't get into this NBA thing. I just don't know how to pick a game to watch!"

Never fear young grasshopper. Dusty Winston has you covered.

Tuesday:

Toronto at Atlanta 7PM (ET)

WAIT! It's not 2004! This is actually a somewhat compelling matchup. Let me break it down for you.

Both of these teams are sitting right at about .500, and this means something if you're in the Eastern Conference, because, let's face it folks, outside of Boston, Detroit and Orlando, these guys suck. Atlanta and Toronto are also both currently in the playoff picture (8 & 4 seed, respectively).

Toronto has a great young team with Chris Bosh, TJ Ford (who's a helluva lot faster than I remembered...cocaine, it's a helluva drug). Plus they've got Jamario Moon. Have you seen this kid? He's getting about 8pts and 7.4 boards in about thirty minutes a game. I like this kid. He's got a lot of "intangibles."

Atlanta has a bunch of young high fliers, which makes sense since they've had a high first round pick every year since before there was ever a Bush in office. Al Horford is the best rookie in the league right now, without question (no offense KD). Plus this team is carrying my favorite college player from last year (even if he was an aggie), the one, the only, ACIE LAW IV! (I'm kinda pissed the "IV" is gone from his jersey in the pros.) All of these young, fast players. I would LOVE to see Don Nelson get his hands on this roster.

Indiana at Cleveland 7PM (ET)

One of these teams would be in the playoffs if they started tomorrow. Guess which one.

No really, guess.

The Pacers, holy shit.

You know what? The Pacers are playing WAY better than expected right now, and you know what else? I'm still not watching this fucking game. You want to know why?

No Lebron "the triple-double machine" James, no watchy.

Maybe the Pacers being in the playoff hunt makes sense since Lebron's supporting cast is so bad...no, nevermind, that still makes no fucking sense.

Minnesota at Washington 7PM (ET)

Um...no. I don't care if Minny beat Phoenix, I still don't fucking care.

Clippers at Nets 7:30PM (ET)

No. No. No. No. No.

Detroit at Memphis 8PM (ET)

Hmmmm...Detroit is actually sorta compelling, but considering I fade out during their games when I'm SOBER, then maybe that whole part about them being compelling is a load of shit.

Seattle at Chicago 8:30PM (ET)

SWEET JESUS! NO!

Interesting aside, this game will be horrible, no question. You would HAVE to be impaired to watch this game, so there's the question. Would this game be better Drunk or Stoned?

Drunk: This is definitely a drunk game for Bulls and Sonics fans. Whilst watching your horrible franchise trade bricks with the opponent, you could ponder the following questions:

Bulls fan: Why did we sign a gigantic, offensively retarded post player?

Sonics fan: What the hell does Oklahoma City have on us? Pricks.

The resolution to both of these queries will result in you throwing something. Just make sure not to hurt anyone, except possible Clay Bennett or Scott Skiles.

Stoned: This is if you're the casual observer with nothing better to do (read: college student). You can be amazed at the speed of the game. You'll also marvel at the offensive ineptitude of both teams. "How can you be paid millions of dollars a year to miss shots? Hey, pass those cheetos."

Portland at Utah 9PM (ET)

Definitely watchable.

Portland has a great young nucleus that plays pretty well together. They've got the incomparable Joe Przybilla. Maybe they're not the "Jail Blazers" anymore, but for old times sake they keep someone named Outlaw on the roster...and Darius Miles.

Utah. Good team. They'll be in the playoffs. They have a Turkey product on their roster.

San Antonio at Golden State 10:30PM (ET)

Now THIS could be an interesting game.

Reasons it could be interesting:

1. Stephen Jackson has this team playing great basketball since he came back from suspension

2. The Spurs have been playing without an injured Tim Duncan and managed to beat Dallas AND Utah.

3. Manu Ginobili is easily one of the greatest or THE greatest second round draft picks, ever.

4. No one plays more exciting basketball than the Warriors, no one.

5. Tony Parker vs. Monta Ellis. If you could somehow get TJ Ford to this game, then we could once and for all settle which guy is the fastest on the court with the ball in his hands.

Reasons it could suck:

1. Tim Duncan plays. The Spurs slow it down, pound the ball inside (giggle) and destroy the Warriors in the post. Spurs walk away with a 25 point win.

Either way, it could be great television.

-Dusty

Hallelujah, Holy Shit, Where's the Tylenol?!

2007-12-10T20:54:00.001-06:00

I feel like Clark Griswold. Watching the Rockets makes me want to flip out that way and yell at who ever is available. Well readers, I live alone, so you get to hear it. If my Houston bias hadn't come out before, here it comes. This space is mostly here for Dusty and I's edification anyway. If Bill Simmons can be a homer, and Stephen A. Smith can find a way to mention the Knicks once a sentence I get mine, damnit! So the Rockets have lost their last two games in pretty convincing fashion. I am beginning to think that winning those six early in the season might have convinced these guys that they were already in the playoffs. No one noticed Adelman telling us to hold off on thinking that everything was Kosher because negative remarks after wins had become the standard with the previous regime. The turd they dropped tonight could have been worse, I guess. At least they cut the lead back down to 12 from 31. What's that? Oh right they were playing the Philadelphia 76'ers. This 76'ers team is bad. They don't even have fans that care enough about them to not give Andre Igoudala, far and away the best guy on the team, the same nickname as their last star player. If I am Igoudala I turn down a contract and go to team's whose fans don't just label me as the Beta version of the guy they had before, and who is still in the league. Anyway, the Rockets never really seemed to understand that spotting the other team 31 points might not be a good game plan. Steve Francis looked to be coming back into his own in the Phoenix game that seems like an eternity ago, and now when he is on the court when moves it looks like an old woman trying to unfold a rusty lawn chair. He picks up his dribble at no less than 27 feet from the basket, and looks like he would rather pass a kidney stone whenever he gets the chance to take a shot. Rafer Alston has missed the last two games, but I am not willing to give up on my move Rafer vendetta. Trade him for a shooter. Hell, call up Steve Novak or Aaraon Brooks from the D-League they both won college three point contests, and have recently torn it up in their games down close to the border. The way it could have been worse tonight is if we had mailed it in like the Knicks did when they were clearly beaten by Boston, but at least Boston is good this year. The Rockets losing this game is like getting beat up by your little sister in front of your best friends. Oh yeah, I was looking for a positive. The bench showed a pulse, and played better than their starting counter parts. Rick Adelman is going to shake up this line up. It has to happen, and it has to happen now. Scola needs to start. Bonzi needs to start. Chuck and Shane need to come of the bench to stop other teams and provide the energy boost they need off the bench. Both are model citizens and would play through this. Shane is starting to get his shot back to some degree and we need his defense, but we are not JVG's defensive stopping team anymore. If Rick Adelman is coaching it should look like a Rick Adelman team. Right now the motion offense looks like bats flying around in a room with explosions screwing up their radar. Actually bats move, bad comparison. More like road kill with T-Mac dribbling through the mess. They can't even get Yao shots on the block consistently. If anyone in the league should be saying the things that Shaq is saying right now it is Yao. Mike James should start. Let him run and gun a little bit, and I bet Tracy doesn't check himself out of games if he sees people busting their asses. The bright spot is simply that our bench showed they can play, and that we can shuffle the line up and get something out of these guys.

The Captain done publicly bitching for a bit. By the way, Merry Christmas, the shitter's full. Time to flush if you are a Houston fan.

Trades

2007-12-08T15:07:00.000-06:00

I somehow missed that we had our first comment. Thanks to Saifine. Your work on Marquis Daniel's hair rivals the work of Paul Mitchell and Salvador Dali. It truly fascinates me.

The hot topic right now is Jason Kidd possibly being traded or getting a contract extension. This does not excite because all of the trade rumors that have been bandied about to this point wouldn't change the balance of power in the league at all. New Jersey obviously would not get any better, and this team wasn't even convincing when it went to the finals not all that recently. It would be nice to see Kidd on a team that matters because he is one of the only pure point guards in the league. He is getting old and could never shoot well consistently, and given that do you think he makes the Lakers much better. This really the only team that has something to gain by adding him. Without the league's #2 dunker (that phrase needs to be used somewhere else, it makes me laugh) who they would likely have to give up in the trade the Lakers would have only one guy to pass to... Kobe. This is the same guy they pass to on every play now. Lamar Odom's health woes certainly don't help, and Luke Walton is more or less a talented version of Mark Madsen. Everybody likes him and he brings energy, but he isn't going to change the outcome of too many games. A cool trade would be Jason Kidd to the Hawks for Josh Childress,Speedy Claxton, Zaza Pachulia, and Lorenzen Wright. Childress could be signed to a reasonable contract extension. Wright is off the books at the end of the year taking 3 million off the Nets bloated cap number. Claxton is overpaid, but can play a little bit when healthy. Pachulia can spread the floor and fill in for the oft injured Kristic. None of these are long term contracts, and everyone one of these contracts is off the book in less than three years. Kidd would make the young Hawks an interesting team, and there are a lot weapons for Kidd to give the ball to in Atlanta. With no regard for plausability I am going to suggest some personnel moves that I would love to see happen.

Latrell Spreewell needs to come back; I am worried that he won't be able to feed his family soon. Seriously, where has Spree gone? This guy was playing at a high level when he left. He could go to Seattle, P.J. has coached him before. Regardless, of the fact that Spree could be on the All Crazy team (Dusty and I will write an article about this team soon, I promise) I am betting that this guy could stay play. Where he should really end up is Golden State, for one it would be a homecoming. Two, this team is already pretty crazy, what is one more nut going to do to the chemistry. Probably nothing negative.

David Lee out of New York. This guy should be somewhere that people actually basketball. Lee is the only guy on this team that hustles. How about Lee to the Suns, imagine this the Suns pick up Lee and Nate Robinson for Brian Skinner and cash and a future first rounder. Even Isaih probably would't do this, but he you never know. The Suns would have a fast back up point guard and forward coming off the bench who can rebound. The Knicks would be getting an expiring contract, some money make a lawsuit payment, and the rights to make squander someone's potential. I would also like to see Amare Soudemire and Nate Robinson have dunk contest at half times of games with those super mini trampolines that the mascots use to dunk.

AK-47 for Shawn Marion, this should have done this deal at the beginning of the year. I like the ideal of it. The Jazz are playing to well to mess up their chemistry. This trade could really make sense for both teams though.

Alright now for the one thing that really couldn't happen, but should for my amusement. The Knicks roster should become part of an expansion draft, and the people of New York City can hold elections for which of its billionaires gets to take the team from the Dolan regime. That's right take. Dolan has the lost the right to own this team. By keeping Isaih Thomas for this long, and having a swollen Yankees like payroll without being able to win like the Yankees he has lost the privlege to run the franchise. I miss the Knicks being good for the simple reason that I used to love to root against them. If you are not from New York or LA there is nothing better than rooting against these large market teams. If you are not from or do not live or have not lived in one of these cities and you root for them, you are officially one of the most annoying fans in the world. In fact you are not really even a fan at all. Anyway, I want the Knicks to be good again so I can hate them again. Right now I just don't even care about them.

Side Note: Every front row seat at games should be filled. If their is an empty seat courtside seat one it should be given to somebody in the cheapseats. Watching league pass it is amazing to see how many great seats at NBA games are empty. I don't understand this. If you had courtside season tickets and you knew you were not going to be able to go to a game wouldn't you make sure somebody got to use the tickets? If you were an owner of a team wouldn't you make sure that someone was in those seats.

The Captain signing off for now...

Holy Shit Balls Batman!

2007-12-07T18:32:00.000-06:00

So I might have mentioned that the Magic were better than expected. That could have been understated. Dwight Howard is terrifying. This guy is huge! He's like Sputnik! Dwight! Slam Dunk! Now! This guy leads league in dunks by a two to one margin, and has more dunks than many teams. Of course the problem is that Andrew Bynum is next in the league in this category. Dwight Howard's dunk contest last season was wildly unappreciated. His smiling face plastered twelve and a half feet high on the backboard, how did this not win? The Magic even have their own Turkey product. The play where Tinsley dribbled the ball through the Pilgrim's Pride's legs and drops in a lay up was priceless. Maybe I should not get to high on these guys. However, how could you not like a team whose coach looks like Ron Jeremy? Are there two brothers who look less alike than the VG brothers? The Magic are scary for two primary reasons. Dwight Howard for sure. Then the previously mentioned motivation that Stan Van Gundy has to have must be hellacious motivation.

Speaking of Miami, I am interested to see if Shaq's give me the damn ball routine, apologies to Keyshawn, will do anything more than make him look just a little more washed up than he already does or if he will somehow find another gear... is another gear to get an 400lb old man off the floor. If so does it involve shoving a rocket up his... Nevermind. The real question here is how long is it before Shaq ends up turning another guard into an enemy? No one is talking about the fact that Penny and Kobe both hated Shaq enough not to want to play with him when he was still capable of playing himself into shape, which he may not be able to do anymore. Dwayne Wade is the most likeable of these guys, but he has already called Shaq out once. You get the feeling that other guys who are superstars get tired of Shaq thinking that he is not a superstar, but the Greatest Player to ever touch an orange ball. The Big Aristotle is starting to look more like the Big Asshole. He is still better than most, but he is not the MDE anymore, if he ever was. Shaq is getting dumped on for being old, I want him to get dumped on for being an annoying dick who whines when his team doesn't win.

I wanted to write about the Warriors and Capt'n Jack, but J.A. Adande already said everything in an article on ESPN today. Damnit! Why don't I get paid to say shit first? I could limit my usage of profanity and make less jokes about sex, drugs, and deviant behavior. Wait a minute that wouldn't be fun. I do have things to say that have not been said. For instance, I would compare Jackson to a dirty uncle that everyone in the family gets nervous about when you tell them that he is going to show you how to impress women. Everyone has an uncle or a cousin like this. The point being here is that even though said uncle is dangerous and takes you to the insert regional festival or bowling alley to pick up chicks the man does know how to get laid in these places. Stay with me. I am not saying this is a good thing, but if your goal is to pick up women, sometimes you have to lower your standards to raise your averages. The Warriors have decided to lower their standard of ball to the punchers chance, but they have some guys on their team who can punch. Capt' Jack is puncher. He is that uncle that teaches you how to pick up women at the Crawfish Festival, Chili Cook Off, or bowling alley setting. He's damn good at what he does. It just isn't for everyone.

I can't believe I haven't mentioned this until now, but Billy King got fired after his stellar career. This man got paid to piss off sports fans in Philadelphia. This like getting paid to shoot fish in a barrel. They boo Santa Oh, right I guess he was actually paid to put together that could win games. In that case I am not sure how he wasn't fired earlier. Does this mean that Isaih Thomas is next? I hope so.

More to come. The Captain signing off.

We wasted the good surprise on you

2007-12-04T23:12:00.000-06:00

As I said when I wrote the preview column they are popular at the beginning of the year. Good for eveyone they actually play the games. Our sorpresa of the Bulls has turned out to be more of the kind of shock you get when someone you thought would be fun to get drunk with passes out on your couch and pisses all over it. Not the good kind. The Bulls have to pull the trigger and get someone who can either motivate the team differently or get a vet that can right the ship with some consistent shooting that is contagious without giving up their core. Hell maybe I am not even right about the core...

The team that Dusty and I have affectionately taken to calling the Ball Sacs has put together some damn good games. They beat the Spurs,the Rockets, and the Jazz. They pulled away from the Jazz with Kevin Martin out for the fourth quarter. This is phenomenal. I am beginning to wonder if Reggie Theus consistently paints the visitors locker room so that the dizzying noxious fumes from all the fresh paint and paint thinner make the other team forget that they should be beating the ever living shit out of the Ball Sacs. I really don't understand how this team has gone .500 over it's last ten games. This is a team that has John Salmons playing extensive minutes and making them look smart for it. Beno Udrih is one of the few guys that the Spurs have made a personnel mistake with in the last few years. The Ball Sacs might be able to play, I cannot help but wonder how this has happened or how long it can continue to happen.

The good surprise this year would be the Orlando Magic with the beta version of Shaq. The Rashard Lewis move looked Ok at best given the massive price tag, but no one could have predicted that they would start this hot. The thing is Howard looks like he can keep this up, and really there is no reason that he should not. There was a debate when this guy came out whether or not he was going to be better than Emeka Okafor, and now I don't think anyone would debate this now. Howard is damn good, but more than that I think this is Stan Van Gundy giving Pat Riley the ol' eat shit and die for taking my title routine. Stan Van Gundy is taking this roster that petered out big time last year plus Rashard Lewis and making them look like a legit contender in the East. This team plays pretty well against the West actually. They beat the Warriors in OT last night in what was one of the best games of the regular season so far. Capt'n Jack deserves his own story.

Denver I don't think I was too far off on, and they could continue to play at a high level if Melo doesn't flip shit and sucker punch someone this year.

A funny note on the Ball Sacs, err... Kings vs Jazz game. One of the commentators referred to Memo Okur as a Turkey product. He is from Turkey, but I would love to see him sponsor something from Jenny-O or Pilgrim's Pride.

More to come... The Captain signing off.

Saturday Night Fever

2007-12-01T19:15:00.000-06:00

By referencing a John Travolta movie I might be dooming this column, especially since I have never even been able to sit all the way through this movie. However, there really aren't many good Saturday titles to steal. I mean I am not going to use an Elton John song to lable my column for Christ Sakes. Although I would love to see the Mavs play by play announcer refer to Avery Johnson a the tiny dancer on the sidelines. This week has seen some interesting developments.

Carmelo Anthony tried to choke slam that guy on the Lakers no one had ever paid any attention to before he dropped 22 on the Nuggets earlier this week. Carmelo is going to have to grow out of this even if he is from Baltimore. He would have been the MVP last year if he had not been suspended for fifteen games. I firmly believe this. I understand the NBA's suspension rules given the Auburn Hills incident, but if you remember it was not that long ago that the Knicks and Heat games were sure fire slugfest. Charles Oakley hasn't been out of the league so long either. Speaking of the Knicks.

I really didn't want to even touch this one, but damn I guess it is obligatory. This was the most embarassing lost in league history, nevermind the fact that Nate Robinson's heave at the end saved them from the technicality. I wish I could get paid the money that Isiah Thomas gets paid to be that bad at my job. It is his job to make sure that the Knicks know which nights there games are, and these guys looked worse than the Varsity Blues squad after a night with Ms. Davis. Thomas has become a parody of himself. If the Knicks were smart they would petition David Stern to dissolve their team this summer and start over with an expansion draft. If he could set it up where they got Ewing back in the day he could do this right. The people of New York would be forever greatful.

Durant dropped 35 last night. Kevin Durant is just smooth. The kid is going to be amazing, and the Celtics fans cheering their new big three will in the end still be pissed that this year's draft didn't play out differently. I am realtively convinced that David Stern stepped in on this one too after the Ping Pong balls didn't bounceright and forced Danny Ainge to make some moves that were more dramatic than fogging a mirror. The NBA could not have the Knicks and the Celtics suck as bad as they did last season simultaneously again. This would have been horrific for Stern who knows that the marquee east coast teams need to be big in order for the league to match his vision. Back to Durant. He has the potential to be the best scorer in the league with in the next two years because he can score from some many different ways. When he was at Texas he was as good as Melo was in his year at Cuse, but he had now Gerry Mc to take them into the final four. Durant will shoot a bad percentage this year, but will be above forty percent from the field by next year once his moves catch up to the speed of the NBA game.

Golden State has recovered from their Jackless start. Stephen Jackson is terrifying. He is the man that makes sure that no one tries to tweak the fantastic Mr. Glass, also known as Baron Davis. Davis is damn good, but the over and under for him staying on the floor past January has to make Warriors fans nervous. Everyone already knows that I am a fan of Kelenna Azkubuike. The Jason Richardson move might still come back to haunt them because he was the guy that led this team who was not crazy. Davis is not the leader of this team even if he is the heart of it. Baron will play his ass off, and he should take the last shot of the game. He still doesn't keep the ducks in a row the way that Richardson once did and Jackson does when he isn't too busy giving officials the stink eye.

The Hornets are all on the floor, quick go knock on wood. They look good too. I love to watch this team for a couple of reasons. CP3 is the obvious one, but there are some others too. David West is a big man who can really play, especially when he can funnel people to the beta version of Ben Wallace, Tyson Chandler. They worked out the personality programming issues on the beta version and he is capable of throwing the ball in basket at a clip better than the starting center for the Washington Generals. The next reason is that Peja is becoming Jeff Hornacek. He is doing the long hair come over that is cemented with hair gel. They have the same sweet shooting touch, but Peja if you remeber Peja actually has the ability to average twenty a game. He has not done it recently, but if he can stay healthy (along with Paul, West, Chandler, and Jackson) I wouldn't count New Orleans out in the West as a first rounder nobody wants to see. The Southwest is gruesome. If the Hornets were still in Charlotte with this line up then they would be a top three seed easy.

Worst nick names in the NBA... sorry for the lack of a transition. Here is the first installment of this list, feel free to add, I'm sure Dusty will.

Red Rocket- The Spurs commentators call this man the Red Rocket without apology every game. I guess it's slightly better than lipstick. Still South Park pops in mind every time.

J-Ho- Josh Howard cannot like this name. This also speaks to the larger point that the people who call games need to quit smashing the first letter of someone's first name with the first half of their last name. It was never all that cool, and it is really taken on a life of its own. This should be stopped.

Scal- Brian Scalabrine doesn't really even warrant a nickname, not that Matt Bonner does, but this sounds too much like scab.

Black Mamba- for reasons already mentioned in this space.

Starbury- this man is no longer a star. Let's not give him any reason to think more highly of himself than he already does.

More to come... the Captain signing off for now.

Not Wasted Wednesday

2007-11-28T21:08:00.000-06:00

Some thoughts here for your Wednesday reading enjoyment. First off Dusty's confusion over Marquis Daniel's hair is justified. Speaking of hair in the league, or a lack there of, I really want to send Ginobli some of the Ronco hair spray paint for his bald spot. This would be a great commercial too, Manu and Ron Pompeil talking about the product and spraying each other's head. Then close ups during the game would show the spray bleeding as Manu sweats black bullets. Ok enough of that.

How bad are the Wiz without Hibachi! Gil Arenas is like a crazy girlfriend who is super hot, but basically the harmless kind of crazy. Let me clarify, if you were going to continue this analogy we are talking the kind of crazy girlfriend who screams out state capitols during sex. Not the kind of girl who decides that she no longer likes your clothes and starts giving them to Goodwill one piece at a time over a few weeks until you begin to wander why in the hell you have no laundry and your closet is empty. The kind of girl who dresses up like Rainbow Bright and... Not the kind of girl who throws dishes at you after you didn't wash them. You get the point. So for those of you who don't like Gil you have to learn how to embrace the crazy because the Wizards have no one else on that team that can finish games or cause other teams to completely fall apaprt because they cannot guard him. Antwan Jamison will get numbers, but he won't win games on his own. Clock down to three seconds Gil shakes his man and from thirty feet... Montpelier! Get well soon Gil.

The Wiz are about as bad as the Suns are when Steve Nash is not on the floor. The Suns look lost when Nash isn't on the floor. They don't have a back up point guard. They really don't play a back up point guard, who does this? No one that's who. Why haven't the Suns won a championship because no one can give Steve Nash a break and keep the other team from making a run. Yes you can talk about the suspensions last year, but the fact that no one can spell Nash is the reason that Suns cannot get to the Finals. They couldn't have traded Kurt Thomas for a serviceable low price back up? For a smart team this is pretty damn stupid. I am in an analogy mood. This is like buying a Ducati motorcycle with all of the ammenities. This is the sweetest little speed bike you can imagine, and you live in the desert so it is ideal. However, even in the desert it rains. You don't own a car. Not even a beater, so that you have something with a roof for when the rain comes. Shit you didn't even buy rain gear. Somehow if you are the Suns it flash floods in May every year and you never learn your lesson.

Steve Francis is proving that he is worth twenty minutes a night at least. Rafer can be serviceable at twenty minutes a night (even though Mike James should take those minutes). I don't even know why I condoned Rafer at all, I will continue to use this space to dog him from here on out until he wins some critical games instead of making you want to throw the remote through the TV. Steve can be the spark plug on this team. For twelve minutes in the first half Steve remembered who he was. He may not play like Stevie Franchise anymore, but he can still make some shots, pick some pockets, and make you lean forward in your seat. If he learns to follow his shot again we are looking at a dangerous man once again. If you remember this is a guy that used to average more than five rebounds a game. He will never jump out of the gym again, but he is smarter now and makes better decisions. Taking the foul to give and calling for a two for one in the second half on consecutive plays are not things he would not have done in the past. The passes he is making now that he is getting some minutes are down right impressive. The man made the game winning shot. If Rafer Alston had taken this shot I would still be picking up pieces of broken glass. Steve is back, and back in force. Remember other than not being over seven feet tall and not being Chinese he is exactly like Yao Ming, look this old gem up in Sports Illustrated.

Carlos Boozer is dominant. This is a large man making some large plays. Another Cleveland flub, but to be fair he did lie on that one. Anyway, the fact is that the Utah Jazz are going to continue to be good when Boozer is on the floor because he can shoot the midrange and flat out clear the paint out when he needs to do it.The spacing that the Jazz can get with Okur and Boozer on the floor is amazing. Deron Williams could drive a truck through those holes. Too bad for the people in Salt Lake City that Jerry Sloan cannot figure out how to get along with AK. AK remember is one of the most versatile players in the league when he isn't opining for the Motherland. Even though it is one of the more pointless exercises in sports lets think about the teams that passed on Boozer in the draft. Literally every team in the league passed on this man. This isn't should someone have picked him up earlier in the first round... he went in the second round. Let's think about this, a big man who dominated in college could not possibly help a team out in the pros. Power forwards who can play like this are few and far between. They should not be the sixth pick in the second round. Amare Stoudemire and Yao Ming are the only other big men in this draft even worth mentioning in the same breath and they were both top ten picks.

On a sadder note condolensces to the family of Sean Taylor. This was truly pointless.

The Captain signing off.

Wasting a Tuesday

2007-11-27T21:05:00.000-06:00

A responsible person would spend their evening finishing up things for work. This same responsible person might also start planning for work tomorrow. Those things would be accomplished by a responsible person. An irresponsible person would spend the evening watching basketball and making the following observations:

-The Hawks and the Bulls showed up in Chicago and a college basketball game broke out. Halftime score was Hawks - 30 Bulls - 34

-The average alcoholic/drug abusing basketball fan might actually mistake this for a college game. Former college standouts seen on the court thus far: Kirk Heinrich, Tyrus Thomas, Joakim Noah, Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, Chris Duhon, Al Horford, Marvin Williams, Josh Childress and Josh Childress' afro.

-Speaking of Josh Childress' afro, isn't it amazing? It seems like such a throwback. Everytime I see him on the court I feel like I should see him taking outlet passes from Bill Walton or throwing up dimes to Walt Clyde Frazier. Now that I mention hair...

-Have you seen Marquis Daniels current..ehem...style? I'm searching for words to describe this...this...coiffure. It's like he made pony tails all over his head and pulled them back together on the crown of his head then pilled the various strands on top of each other in random fashion (see how confused I am? Do you see the run-on sentence I just wrote trying to describe it?). The pile of hair he has makes me think of a samurai's hairstyle, but I have absolutely no idea why it makes me think of that...

-Inexplicable NBA ad #3,467. "Come see your Nuggets play! See A.I! Melo! Najera!" I swear I didn't make that last part up. I like Eddie Najera, really I do, but isn't Marcus Camby a bigger star? Hell, even Linas Kleiza is more exciting as a player. Najera is like a slightly more talented and less prone to grimacing Mark Madsen. I did just find this out though, he makes JUST shy of $5 million this year. I wish I was making that up. Speaking of over paid...

-Travis Diener is like that prick you played against in Y-League that you KNEW wasn't better than you. He just happened to be a better ball handler, passer, scorer, a little faster and...shit.

-The Nuggets dancers are wearing some little pink and white ensemble that is just, Sweet Jesus, I gotta go.

-Dusty

Singles

2007-11-24T20:05:00.000-06:00

I referenced a bad movie from the early nineties not too long ago in Reality Bites... For some unknown reason there is a debate about whether Singles or Reality Bites is better. Cameron Crowe's involvement in Singles is the reason that a movie that features cameos by Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, and Tim Burton is not remembered in the Pantheon of nineties movies. Engaging in this debate is somewhat inane. They both suck, but in the spirit of that debate (if Chuck Klosterman can do it why can't I) I am going to let you know about some of the best Singles in the league to this point.

Kevin Martin- This guy plays for what might be one of the worst teams in recent memory not GM'd by Billy King or Isiah Thomas. These guys rely on Ron Artest to be their guide, and I am struggling to think of a guide that has been this bad since the Donner Party. Too bad we will never get a chance to see John Candy play Ron Artest in a movie. Kevin Martin is scoring 25 points a game. How long can this last when defenses have to worry about respecting Kenny Thomas and Shareef Abdur Rhahim? I am sure Reggie Theus can figure out a way to get these guys to at least feed their dogs if he can impose a curfew. Martin though is a genuine talent, and another one of those guys that can just flat out move with the ball in his hands. For that matter he can move without it in his hands. This guy looks like another Rip Hamilton in the making if anyone on his team figures out how to set a screen and give him the ball in open space to shoot. Some team needs to figure out what it will take for Sacramento to make a trade to get this guy some print in an article that more than a dozen people will read. This guy is so money and no one even knows it.

I know I am supposed to maintain a theme using the Singles references, but I cannot in good faith make references to a Cameron Crowe movie for an entire column. I mean I hated myself for wanting to call Kevin Martin Almost Famous. Lets just change this focus to great individual starts for the season. I feel better about myself even though that is a lame title, at least you know I am not obligated to completely fuck up the end of the piece as Crowe seems to find a way to do with pretty much every movie you want to name.

Kelenna Azkubuike- 15 pts and 5 rbds a game. Another undrafted Kentucky product, ala Chuck Hayes, who has been passed around like a bad case of the clap, is making Golden State look smart for picking him up here. He has been cut twice, and word has it that both the Cavaliers and Rockets tried to patent his ass as a seat warmer and sell the rights to Cadillac before they sent him packing after a smattering of preseason games. You think Cleveland does not need someone who can score the ball and play hard every evening. I wonder how many times a week Lebron James lights paper sacks full of dog crap on fire at Danny Ferry's doorstep? If I were Lebron I would do this after every loss, and I wouldn't bother to run. This guy comes from a group of players that Ferry's Midas touch has sent to other teams without getting any compensation for what so ever. Awesome. Azkubuike is going to be good enough to get minutes with Stephen Jackson back in the line up as John Hollinger astutely points out in his surprises column. To show you that I am not going to copy Hollinger's list I am going to mix it up here.

Kobe Bryant- Ok I lied maybe I am going to take a Cameron Crowe approach here and use over used plot device/subject that people can't argue with in the middle of the piece, but stay with me. Bryant has not been so great for what he has done, but what he hasn't. Needy superstar, yes. Player, a Bigger Yes. Bryant has put up his numbers and made his teammates better, and last time I checked the Lakers should still suck according to Kobe's assesment of the team this summer. Bryant could kill this team if he wanted to, and force a trade out of LA like Vince Carter and Alonzo Morning did in Toronto. Kobe likes to win though, and the thought of sitting back like Vince did to force a trade makes Kobe Beatrix Kiddo angry. He might decide to assasinate the rest of the league Black Mamba style in spite of Mitch Kupchak and not because of him. Kobe's abduction of this nickname is still unforgivable though. However thinking about Kobe wanting to be a six foot tall blonde woman make me laugh. My point stands though. Kobe could have submarined this team, and the Lakers could have started the way that we all expected them to when Kobe was being more vocal about his lack of a supporting cast.

Rafer Alston for being the only player in the league paid by every other team. Rafer flat out kills the Rockets when he is on the floor even when his numbers don't show it. Steve has proved he can be better, on this very night. Rafer is worth a draft pick right now for a team that needs someone who can dribble into traps and shoot 21% on threes. Someone will take him. Even if they won't, Adleman needs to bench him to send a message to the team that is mired in a losing stretch that cannot really be condoned given this team's roster. If you run another team wouldn't you pay Rafer Alston pay well enough to make sure that he just played the way he always has at crucial points in the game. I am imagining other teams in the league convincing Alston to take a pill that makes him totally oblivious to all the film available film of Rockets games that should convince him to pass the damn ball and stay out of corners. They pay him enough to make his salary not worth enough to play well when it matters for the Rockets.

Dwayne Wade. The man called out The Big Lazy and everyone agreed. Wade has an opportunity here. It is obvious that his team cannot win without him. He will dictate the Heat's performance as long as he play in South Beach. This guy can flat out change the game by talking about it. Shaq came out to play early in the season for the first time in years.

Dwight Howard is the next Shaq. The Magic should start playing all of their games in the old pin stripe black uniforms when Shaq was breaking backboards for the fun of it. Shaq used to be a show stopper because he broke the show. Howard is damn good. He needs to be more like Shaq and less like Tim Duncan in demeanor because his team is more like Shaq's. Meaning his GM can only find one or two decent guys to put around him instead of the R.C. Buford model of finding a lot of good players to put around the best player in basketball. Howard could be the best player in a couple years. This something to watch. The man can jump. He can flat out play both ends of the game. This guy could be better than every other in the game.

Here are a few great people to watch starting this season. More to come soon. This had to be less painful than a Cameron Crowe production. The Captain siging off.

Missing the Story

2007-11-21T01:10:00.000-06:00

They always say that only two things are certain in life, death and taxes. If I were to go with a similar theme, there are two things that always raise my blood pressure. This is not a good sign considering I'm supposed to make it to the ripe old age of forty-two before I have a massive heart attack. The two things that hasten my demise are Sean Hannity and sports radio.

Sean Hannity is not worth my time to criticize in this particular space, so lets shift the focus to the other part of media I find infinitely exasperating. I never understood the fascination with celebrity gossip. It always seemed shallow and to be completely useless discussion. I used to think this was a particularly female infatuation, then I realized that sports radio fills this gap for the remainder of the population. This particular kind of media is ridiculous for the same reasons that CNN, Fox News and the like are ridiculous. I could sit her and offer you analysis of a daily event until I am blue in the face, but it does not mean I SHOULD. There's simply not enough news for the 24 hour cycle. Actually that may be untrue. There is enough news, but 24 hour networks chose about four stories and BEAT THEM TO DEATH. Sports media (particularly sports radio) is an even worse offender in a similar manner. Cable news networks are guilty of being terrible because they do no properly cover the news of the world in their seemingly endless amount of air time. Sports media is guilty for not even beating to death all the stories in the major sports, let along ALL sports.

When I turned on the radio today, for some foolish reason, I heard the following topics discussed for about two hours:

1. KU vs. Missouri on saturday
2. Nick Saban comparing his team's consecutive loses to the attack on Pearl Harbor and 9-11.
3. NFL football (in some capacity, it all blends together in my head at this point).

Now, I will not for one second profess that Nick Saban unbelievably comparing his team's failures to the act of aggression that provoked the United States involvement in World War II and a horrific terrorist attack on the United States is not the biggest story in sports today. Hell, it might be worth noting on national news. If you don't think his comments were inappropriate and totally out of line, then you take sports WAY to seriously. If that's the case, you should definitely go drink something toxic, beer...or possibly Drano.

The reason I am upset is that everyone still managed to overlook one of the most important stories of the day, nay, MONTH.

Joey Crawford was one of the officials for the Spurs and Hawks game on Tuesday night!

Confused? Let me rehash the events of last spring that make this so compelling.

Sometime in early April as the NBA is closing in on the end of the regular season and the begining of the playoffs, the Spurs and Mavs play their final game of the season against each other. This game was originally billed to be important because leading up to the game their records were close enough that it might be a game for home court advantage in the playoffs. Well, the Mavs got on a little role and the Spurs ended up being too far behind to really compete for home court, however this was still a game in one of the, if not the biggest, rivalries in the NBA.

Somewhere towards the end of the game the calls appeared (at least to TIm Duncan) to be a little frivilous and his displeasure showed through on his face. Joey Crawford, being one of the league's biggest assholes, decided Mr. Duncan was showing him up, so he rang him up for a technical foul. Duncan, the rest of the Spurs and even some of the Mavs seemed a little bit surprised at the T, but Duncan moved himself to the bench and Dallas took the foul shot. On a possession right after Duncan's first technical, another foul is called on the Spurs. Well, Duncan thinks the Spurs are getting hosed, so, while sitting on the bench, he laughs and claps his hands. Catfish (Joey Crawford's nickname, check out his physique it makes sense) decides Duncan is showing him up and gives him a SECOND technical foul. This results in an automatic ejection and Tim Duncan is ejected from a game WHILE SITTING ON THE BENCH.

This whole sequence seemed really out of sorts. Kicking out Tim Duncan from a game for what was essentially trash talking is like saying, "Get that damn mime out of here. He's too loud!"

After the game the whole story really starts to emerge. First of all, as Duncan left the court, it was fairly easy to read Duncan's lips when he said, to Catfish, "You're a piece of shit." This seems out of character for Duncan.

We find out after the game from Duncan as well as Spurs and Mavs players that Mr. Crawford repeatedly asked Duncan if he "wanted to fight." Duncan also says in an interview that Crawford has had it out for him for a long time.

Now I realize to the less devoted fans of the league it's hard to understand this, but if you follow the league, you KNOW who Joey Crawford is. He's an asshole, and he has been accused repeatedly of trying to make himself the focus of a game.

As a result of the incident, Crawford (one of the longest serving NBA refs) is removed from the league, no more regular season games and no more playoff games. He applied for and was granted reinstatement over the summer.

I suppose this leads me to my summary. Since Crawford worked the Spurs game tonight (which I believe was his first one this season) how was this NOT a story?

The real answer is that sports media, like celebrity media, is directed specifically for stupid people. Alright everyone, get you bag of popcorn and sit on the couch. I'm sure your afternoon will go something like this:

"AWESOME! That guy just got his leg ripped off. Stupid running back! Hahahahaha!" jumping up and down on the couch.

"Shhhhh. I'm trying to read about Brad Pitt's new romance!" giggles. Wets self.

-Dusty

More credit deserved

2007-11-20T22:17:00.000-06:00

When I think about deserving more credit, I usually think about the fact that Washington Mutual does not appreciate me. In sports though people talk about players deserving more credit or not getting the credit they deserve. I say bullshit. The professionals that suit up and don't get enough credit in major sports can get any line of credit they want, much less deserve. So if a credit score determines your worth in the society we live in as it too often does I would say that what deserves more credit are random events in sports. While we usually cover only the best sport in the world I am going to mention events from all major professional sports...

This post is honor of Baron Davis's dead ball last night, and a recent conversation with some friends. If a player puts a shot up and it sits on the rim without moving this needs to be rewarded. Stuck in between the rim and the board we will give five points, but really the big one is still on the rim not moving. If the ball sits up on the back of the rim without moving the player who put that ball up there should have won the game for his team. I have played and watched this sport for years and have only seen a ball come to rest on a rim once at a playground. Not wedged. Just sitting up there. If you can do this on purpose in a game you win. You are the little kid in Big Daddy. This should not happen. Another one to give the Alonzo Morning's of the world inspiration, blocking the ball into the second level. That would be far cooler than catching a homerun.

Another you win if it happens. The Sandlot. You bust the guts out of a baseball and you win. F-o-r-e-v-e-r. This is a great myth the cover a ball has to be tattered and going through the early stages of dry rot for a mortal to do this. If you can do it you win. Another ideal, you stick the ball in the padding on the outfield wall and it isn't a ground rule double it is three runs. This never happens. People would probably just change the padding on fences though. I would love to see pros going up agaisnt the plywood fences that I was expected to run into as an adolescent. They hurt.

Football's Alien moment of "Game over man, Game over" happened this weekenend too. Hit the back of a an up right after going through the uprights you win. Noted that if this rule passed everyone would go back to the old H's. However, if you can hit the support bar that holds up the uprights you should win. Kickers who are good don't lob kicks they drill them. This would change the approach drastically. Kickers would be lobbing shit like cannon fodder in the old DOS computer game trying to hit that thing. Pats up twenty and the kick is up end over end, it's a rainbow... back support... ding... Dolphins win!Dolphins win!

Hockey... Nobody watches but I'll say it. A full sentence with proper syntax being uttered by a player in English. During the game though, it would be someone getting an American audience to watch. Maybe if there were holes in the ice that randomly appeared to create power plays. NasCar banks on this type of catastrophic event to get ratings. Lord knows no one should give a shit about someone turning left for five hundred miles in a car that was made in America. I am saying the equivalent in Hockey would be someone ripping the net with a goal, or breaking a cross bar for the goal with a shot.

These are the four major one sports. George Carlin had some great suggestions too.

The Captain signing off.

Reality Bites and Silver Linings

2007-11-19T19:24:00.000-06:00

To those of you that read our blog, Dusty and I would like to apologize for not posting in awhile. We like to dillute ourselves with the thought that we have fans who are affected by our lack of productivity on this site. Suffice to say I lament the fact that this job does not pay well enough to write often enough, nor does my other job. Reality Bites

Is there any team that is more injury prone than the Hornets? Every time that they seem like they are legit Chris Paul goes down. Paul is already out with a sprained ankle this year. Last year their top three players were out much of the season. Without Paul the Hornets are just as ineffective as the Rockets without T-Mac, more on that later. The Hornets were without Paul, David West, Peja Stojakovic, and Bobby Jackson for much of the year. All of these guys are gamers. Lets think about this CP3has a hance to be the next J-Kidd or Steve Nash, no relation to John, early in the season he is averaging damn near fifteen assist a game. I am not surpised either. His vision and ability to move with the ball at an amazing speed is mind blowing. The Hawks have to be happy that they have drafted a point gaurd of his caliber after passing on him... wait they didn't pick Deron Williams either. Reality Bites, but there are worse consolation prizes than Acie Law.

Speaking of speed, along with Paul there are guys that can just flat out move with the ball. Tony Parker is a known commodity, who relies less on his speed at some points now that he can shoot. Speaking of a guy who has learned how to shoot, T.J. Ford makes the Raptors so dangerous. Colangelo will have this team looking as good as the Suns shortly, and in the East that easily give you homecourt. Ford and Bosh are damn good, and while Sam Mitchell might be the coolest looking coach in the NBA you have to wonder how long he gets to use the excuse that these guys are young. Spreading the floor with Bosh inside seems like something that they don't do well all the time. This has to happen all the time if the speed of Ford's game is going to become an asset that makes people draw comparisons to Parker and Duncan (They could be that good based on talent and not probabliity). For this to happen they would have to fire the coolest looking coach and then someone comes in and uses the foundation he gave coaching the young guys and the Raptors go head to head with the Bulls in the conference finals... Reality Bites. Silver Lining... one most can't claim, their GM. Bryan Colangelo will have this team looking as good as the Suns shortly, and in the East that easily give you homecourt. The Ford move is another trade that has to be considered a fleecing since the Bucks are probably going to have to move Villanueva for less than value in the near future with Yi getting minutes and shooting over people like they were chairs. Colangelo's track record as a GM is amazing, and he can recover from mistakes by finding trade partners.See turning Kidd for Marbury into Steve Nash if Isiah Thomas figures out how to do this Satan will be prominently involved.

As mentioned earlier by Dusty the Bulls are sucking it up early. They are showing signs of life, but the Tyson Chandler for Ben Wallace decision is looking like a mistake. The aforementioned Hornets are quite happy with Chandler on the floor and Ben Wallace is slow and moody. The Bulls need to learn how the trigger on a trade for pieces that are not cornerstones like Ben Gordon or Luol Deng.They can get a vet in the locker room who can steer the ship for far less. A veteran who could come in and play while simultaneously off setting the abrasive Scott Skiles could lead this team the level their talent dictates. Good thing Scott is a flexible guy... Reality Bites. If Tom Coughlin can do it maybe Scott can, if you are a Bulls fan you have to hope so. Silver Lining... depends on Jerry Krause, which makes you nervous, but if he holds these guys together and adds a quality vet who has never been described as mercurial by a journalist and gets a guy who can trust a floor general of said caliber we are looking at Chicago dominating the East. The Raps will take longer to get better than the if Jerry Krause returns to his old old ways when a guy he surrounded with a good cast played some games that people remember.

Tracy McGrady has already missed 30% of the games played thus far. The Rockets don't win at a rate less than 30%. Rafer Alston has taken the last shot of the game the last two time the Rockets were close in a game. Reality Bites... A possible silver lining is Tracy will be back on Wednesday versus NEMESIS!!! ARCH NEMESIS!!! Silver Lining, maybe now that we can take Steve Francis's picture off a milk carton he can prove that he deserves it.

The Celtics lost. Reality Bites... Silver Lining is that people will stop comparing them to the Patriots. How annoying has this been? The Patriots have played half a season without being challenge while the Celtics have had some good bounces. The collective hard on in Boston now that the Sox won another series, The Pats will not lose unless they forfeit a game or stop drinking that shit from Harry Potter that made them Quidditch Champs, has people in Boston drinking the Kool-Aid. Bill Simmons will anoint the Celtics the champs before the All-Star game if the Celtics win at this rate for much longer. Reality Bites and a Silver Lining... Doc Rivers is coaching this squad.

Reality Bites... We all have to spend a lot of times around our relatives during a busy part of the year.

Silver Lining... No one thinks it's abnormal to eat and drink like a lush during this time a year.

Reality Bites: The Captain, signing off. Silver lining: Not for too long.

Eastern Observations

2007-11-13T21:36:00.000-06:00

While recently bemoaning the fact that I am unable to devote my days the process of self-actualization, I happened to catch some basketball games. Here's an assortment of thoughts.

The Bulls SUCK

I realize I am the same individual who was fairly high on them on a couple of weeks ago, but I am willing to back off of that feeling for now. They beat the Pistons in a game where they seemed to be playing fairly well. Everything else has been, well, terrible.

It's not as if they have lost a bunch of close games. It really looks usually like they have no business being on the floor. Some people (Jalen Rose) have made the excuse that all the trade talk is distracting the team. Now far be it from me to question someone who actually played in the NBA, but this team has been facing trade talk fairly consistently for the last several years. Granted teams have started slowly in the past and really turned it around, but this is a grind it out kind of team (who have largely been together for several years), so it surprises me when they look like they just met out there on the court. Seriously, that team seems about as comfortable as Trent Lott at an NAACP meeting. It has to be one of the following situations:

1. General trade talk does not disrupt a team, but trade talk involving Kobe disrupts ANY team.

2. The team is frustrated because they realize the only major move management has made in the last year was to sign an offensively inept defensive stopper/post player to a team that already played very good defense who's major deficiency as a team was scoring in the post.

3. Joakim Noah scares the bejesus out of the rest of the team...I mean, it could be a reason...NEXT TOPIC!

The Boston Celtics

Ok, here's what seems to have happened wit this team. Three stars are really psyched to be playing together, everybody else has become excited as well. The whole team is groving along and playing extremely well against mediocre competition. Somewhere in January or February everyone is going to get really tired, hurt and something is going to screw up the chemistry...hopefully. (Might be time to break out the KG voodoo dolls, seriously, this is the first team I have been legitimately scared of coming from the East in years).

Cap'n Crazy's Lost his Touch

Gilbert Arenas had knee surgery over the summer that is apprently still sort of giving him trouble. I really hope turns that around. I realize he's a shoot first point guard who does not do a whole lot to make his teammates better, and I should detest him because of that. The thing is that I still enjoy his play a great deal. Agent Zero is cold blooded and really fun to watch play, usually. I nearly bought his low-top sneaker last year until a woman told me she thought it looked like it was made by Tyco...I would still kind of like to get my hands on that shoe.

I will return tomorrow with some thoughts on the bestern conference.

-Dusty

Thoughts on league pass.

2007-11-07T23:30:00.000-06:00

One of the greatest things about League Pass is the local commentators and the commericals that you see. For instance did you know that you can still get Greg Oden bobble heads even though he won't play this season. The comment was made that the bobble head did not come with crutches or scars. I am not making this up. It isn't even a joke. Made those bobbleheads a little too soon. Or the Lakers home commentators valiantly defending Jordan Farmar pounding the ball missing an entry pass on a mismatch for Andrew Bynum and forgetting about some guy named Kobe and airballing a twenty eight foot shot. He made the only play he could they said, no wonder Kobe wants to be traded. Rockets commentators saying, "they're bringing Rafer into the game for his ball handling ability," as he dribbles toward the corner of the court. I thought point guards were supposed to avoid being trapped and turning the ball over or taking half the shot clock to create an isolation for himself when we all know he is most likely going to do his best Jordan Framar impression. Or is Rafer imitating Jordan Farmar?

It is because of such comments that Dusty and I are contemplating writing an ongoing series on local commentating teams, give a quick description of who they are and some of their pearls of wisdom. Letting you know little things like the fact Fransisco Elson is known as Cisco in San Antonio, or that the most combined turnovers by both teams in a game in which Portland was involved is 70. Why do we want you to know these things. I told you that this is not for productive people.

On another note, there is something really refreshing about watching the difference between the younger and older teams in the league play in consecutive nights. For example Portland and New Orleans played tonight. Two young teams who at times looked like college teams. Which was great in that they ran their asses off and had something to prove, but brutal in the fact that somehow the young guys mistakes seemed to rub off on vets like Peja (maybe its the rust from not really playing last year). The cool thing about this though is the young guys the commentators will tell you that they will grow out of it. Where as when vets make mistakes in games like Houston vs San Antonio the commentators talk about something else and abandon earlier points, "like Rafer is coming into the game for his ball-handling." As he dribbled into the corner they immediatley changed the subject.

There are many more of these gems forthcoming. A night cap from the Captain.

Random thoughts from the first week, not even slightly related

2007-11-04T14:47:00.000-06:00

Opening week and the sports world is back on track again. It's been great. Some observations.

1) Chris Kaman needs to be in one of those new Snickers commercial with the guys in costumes. He should have his bow and arrow and dress as a Valkeryie. It would go something like this:
"Did Reggie Evans grab your balls?"
"Yesss!" Chris fires an arrow across the court hitting the Clippers scoreboard.
"Did you enjoy playing in the summer league?"
"Nooo!" Fires another arrow. Sparks fly like the Natural.
"Want a Snickers?" Ok you get the ideal

2)Not enough praise can be given to the ECK. Football commentators try to be funny and they are usually not. These guys don't even hire a stand up comedian like the football shows do, and their digressions are just as entertaining as their commentary. Their on going criticism of the people running the sound board choosing background music is great. They played the "Time Warp" in the background during a Halloween game and I thought Charles was going to get up and break teh soundboard during the show. Priceless. They made up for it by giving Charles a dozen Krispy Kremes in response to a YouTube question.

3) Fans chanting for Steve Francis in the end of the Blazers game this week. How many other sports have fans that will chant Rudy style for a player that hasn't been relevant in years. Accept for the crowd in Rudy who chanted for a player who was never relevant, but that's not the point. The Rockets traded away Francis who was one of the the few bright spots for the Rockets since 1997. Though his non-stop dribbling was maddening, he was a human highlight real and "The Franchise" for a little while. Hopefully he can get on the floor and make himself relevant again, beyond being the Rockets' Rudy. They already have a Rudy, his jersey is in the rafters.

4) Kobe trade talk. This is actually getting a little annoying. I feel no need to type any more about it accept to say that Kobe is headed toward being the highest maintenance super star in the history of professional sports.

5) Joey Crawford is back. I really hope he officiates another Spurs game. It needs to happen. It needs to be hyped like a WWE match, and David Stern needs to show up to watch. Seeing Stern and Crawford in a battle royale Vince McMahon style battle would be phenomenal. Folding chairs and old men. David Stern should bring the mustache back for this.

5a- Yesssss! Chris fires an arrow of approval.

6) The young teams look like they will be good. I know I have said this already. I don't expect anyone to be terribly excited about Seattle or Portland, but if they keep it together and their GM's can continue at the rate tehy have the Pacific Northwest could rival the state of Texas. If the Seattle fans get screwed out of this someone needs to be held responisble. If you put a sub-par product on the floor for that long and then move right when there is light at the end of the tunnel that is just a shitty way to treat a fan base. This should not happen. Let Oklahoma have New Orleans, a team that they are already familiar with and that will not succeed where they are currently. That is a failed experiment. If Shinn could not get people to commit to pro basketball in the heart of ACC country he is not going to do it in a city that is recovering from one of the worst natural disasters in the history of this country.

7)Do they really need to show great moments in NBA history that are almost exclusively from the playoffs this early in the regular season?

8) Have a beer. and a Snickers. Yessss!

9) Last minute drama in the first week. On the first night the Rockets and Lakers played an intense 1:36. It is only going to get better.

10) We don't have to hear about the damn Patriots and Colts game, or the New York Yankees and A-Rod's stomach churning request for 350 million dollars. Maybe my stomach is churning from the Snickers and the beer. Nooooo!!!

The Captain

An Assortment of Slightly Related Thoughts

2007-11-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

Occassionally I convince myself that Stephen A. Smith is not a total idiot. I think to myself, "hmm...he seems to know something about this NBA business." Then the Captain tells me that Stephen A. Smith says there are five title contenders in the East.

Really?

I mean...REALLY?

Perhaps he's saying there's about five teams the East that could make it to the finals. Ok, let's go with that assumption for a second. Let's see. He's talking about:

1. Boston (three great players, potential to sign enough role players through the season to make an unsuccessful title run).

2. Chicago (lots of great young players who get better and better as time goes on and they play great defense)

and .......

.......

I'm stumped.

Those are really the only two teams I think are going to be worth a damn if they make it to the finals.

For the sake of argument, who else could he be talking about?

3. Detroit?

Why: Because they won it in 2004 and a lot of that team is still around? They've got a decent roster I suppose, but I think the top six teams in the West would completely dismantle them. No offense to Mr. Maxiell. History seems to indicate that maybe we jumped the gun labeling Chauncey Billups as a really great player (he's good, but not the Mr. Cluth he was thought to be). Rasheed Wallace is a stud, no doubt but he's also certifiably crazy. Rip and Tayshaun are really good too, but I'm just not sold on this team as being anywhere close to good enough.

4. New Jersey?

Why: Because Jason Kidd is a badass. That's truth right there folks. Kidd's a smart enough player that he could probably still be better than half of the point guards in the league when he's fifty. Vinsanity is a good player, but I'm not sure he's enough to pull this team along. I like RJ and Kristic, but they're likable as role players, not leaders. I'm not sold on these guys as viable. They'd get destroyed by all eight West playoff teams.

who else?

(groan)

5. Miami

Why: Dwyane Wade. There's your only reason. Guess what? He's still hurt. Perhaps you're saying, "But Shaq!" To which I say, "He's too fat and too old, and the weed is much too strong if you don't believe me."

I suppose this is my transition into what I really want to write about:

The Miami Heat.

Here's a couple thoughts on the aforementioned topic:

I. The Lakers weren't stupid in trading Shaq to Miami. That was a good move. I realize Miami got a title out of it, but Shaq is on the decline and has been since he got to Miami (even before that really). The mistake the Lakers made was not getting better value back (well, at least not knowing how to use it. Who do you suppose was responsible for dumping Butler RIGHT before he turned into a badass? Let's blame Jack Nicholson.)

a.) remember when they were trying to hand Wade the Finals MVP trophy and Shaq snatched it up to hand to Wade himself? I always thought that was an insanely selfish thing to do. I suppose he was worried people would notice him at 7'2" and weighing in at 500 lbs.

speaking of dickhead moves...

II. Pat Riley taking the reigns from SVG. I never understood this manuever. Why even put up the facade that SVG wanted to spend more time with his family? Riley is considered (and justifiably so) to be one of the best coaches in NBA history. Why pretend the situation was anything else than what it really was? Here's how I imagine the press conference would've gone down if anyone was actually honest.

Riles: Thanks for being here everyone. We've come here to announce publicly that I don't give a fuck what Stan has done for the team here.

SVG: Thanks Riles.

Riles: You're welcome, tubby. Now, as I was saying, we realize that Stan took this team past the first round two years ago with a less than dazzling assortment of young and not totally developed players. Last year he managed to get us right to the cusp of the finals. So instead of letting him acheive his destiny and take this team all the way to Finals and a potential title, I'm going to stab him right in the fucking back.

SVG: You know I'm going to run you over with my car the first time you come to Orlando, right?

Riles: I'd like to go ahead and take the reigns from him here. He's going to go home now and watch me capitalise on all his hard work this June. That's right Stan, I'll be making sure that you get screwed out of any potential ring. Oh yeah, I'm coming over to fuck your mom later too. Have fun in exciting Orlando in two years.

I'll be destroying this team's future for one shot at a title now folks. Thanks so much for coming by.

Wouldn't that have been a better press conference?

For the record, I think Washington has a much better shot at the finals this season than Miami, but I'm certain that wasn't what Stephen A. was thinking.

-Dusty

Opening Night!

2007-10-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

This is fantastic! I love this game. Alright, I'm actually going to write something. The night that we have been waiting for since June has finally come. Dusty asked me an interesting question earlier tonight. If this country has such a short attention span how is fastest, highest scoring major sport not the most popular? I am going to ignore the answers because I don't want to start writing about racism and the fact that people just don't recognize a great product sometimes. Suffice to say I am just glad that the best major sport to watch is back into it's regular season. Here is a quick top five reasons:

1) The athleticism is far superior to baseball and football. Baseball can be played by people who are woefully out of shape. This isn't to say that it doesn't take skill to hit, pitch, throw, and play defense in baseball. Hitting is probably the hardest thing to do in sports in my opinion, at least before a diluted league expanded too fast and people started juicing. Football definitely has some of the best atheletes in the world, but there is a difference between power and the kind of agility it takes to play basketball at all five positions on the floor. Athleticism in the NBA is a must. Look at this way, tonight Bonzi Wells had a decent showing and last year in the rare event that he played he couldn't even get off the damn floor. He shed twenty five pounds in the off season and he suddenly looks like the guy that almost single-handedly demolished the Spurs a couple of years ago. Speaking of...

2) The Spurs are damn good. For the first time since the Spurs won last we have a champ that looks like they actually give a shit about repeating, and this team much more than their last championship team. Detroit and Miami were sure not to repeat, it wasn't going to happen. I think they should have insisted on wearing the rings they got in the Championship ceremony before the game, and flashing them at the camera every time they made a play that reminded you that if you thought these guys were not going to come back and be ready to kick some ass this year you were sadly mistaken. The Blazers were still surprisingly decent though...

3) LaMarcus Aldridge looked damn good. There are young teams in this league that you can tell will be good. The Blazers lost Greg Oden before the seasons started and they kept up with the best team in basketball for stretches. Aldridge in particular made Kevin Pritchard look pretty damn smart in trading Zach Randolph. These guys as Chuck said are going to be damn good soon, you better beat them now, while you can. Speaking of the Chuckster...

4) The commentating is far better. Not this is a reason to watch a sport, but Tim McCarver was like the guy in Pootytang who repeated everything during the world series, and there always at least one guy in the booth in footbal games that has had multiple concussions. The ECK is one of the best combinations in sports commentating in a long time, even when they allow Magic Johnson to interject sentence fragments about the Lakers into the conversation intermittently. Charles alone makes it worth watching the halftime shows. Tonight he called out Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti by name in the Rockets-Lakers halftime show. Priceless. They don't know much about basketball and Charles was nice enough to point that out on national television. There really are too many sports journalist who are "personalities" now. "Personalities" should be the list of people that you have been on a date with that you would willing set yourself on fire before you went out on another date with them. They were a "personality" or a void of "personality" because they were loud dipshits that thought they knew something about everything. Dusty and I would never write a column about hockey we don't know anything about it. Maybe curling because nobody knows anything about it. Basketball does have a couple. Stephen A. Smith yelling about everything is not good commentary, for fuck sakes the man claimed there were five title contenders in the East. OK, have a beer and calm down. Alright I got it. Finish the beer. The point is for the most part pro basketball commentating is better than other major sports.

5) Fifth and maybe the most important. There are fewer teams in this league that have nothing to offer. There are compelling players on almost every team. Though I dog the East constantly, there are few genuinely compelling teams in the East. Even though the top five in the West would be favored to beat who ever comes out of the East there are many players in the East that are amazing. The best player in the League that isn't demanding to leave his team and making empty threats. In case you wanted to know his name starts with L and ends with Ebron. Even a team like the Atlanta Hawks has at least four players that can be truly exciting. A mess like the Knicks has some great players. There are not many exceptions, Sacramento is the one that jumps to mind. Parity is there, and some of the great teams are not paying the luxury tax.

The Captain is checking out.

P.S.- If you couldn't get excited about the last 1:36 of the Rockets and Lakers game you couldn't fog a mirror.

Bad Times on a Friday Night

2007-10-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

I love the NBA. Really, I do. I'll watch any game, and I respect the guys who play on every team. Lord knows I couldn't do anything even resembling what they do.

Here's the thing, there are some incredibly bad games. There are some incredibly bad teams. I suppose the bad teams and games makes up some of the charm, like "how the hell can this team be so bad and stay in the NBA?" It always seems to out of place when I watch a game like the one presently airing on ESPN.

Now I realize it's preseason, but this Lakers and Kings game would be just as bad in January or March.

Here's a hypothetical. Let's say you're a pretty serious basketball fan. Now you've been kidnapped by Al Qaeda or a crazy admirer (ala Misery). It's been five years since you last saw a basketball game. If I told you Chris Mihm was getting serious minutes on the Lakers with Kobe still playing at the 2, what would your response be? It has to be something along the lines of "What the FUCK happened?" right? I remember watching Mihm play his last year at Texas and being mostly underwhelmed.

This is the kind of player currently running the floor for the Lakers and Kings. Remember about five years ago when that was a big time match up? The times they are a changin'.

Ronny Turiaf! Francisco Garcia! Sasha Pavlovic! Shareef Abdur-Rahim!

Excited yet?

I'm not sure any of these players should ever get you excited. They're not terrible players (ok, ok, Ronny Turiaf is terrible), but the teams they're on are certainly not worth watching. Kobe's not playing (although the need to watch a game based on one player has never made much sense to me) and nothing short of Ron Artest actually dragging one of his abused dogs onto the court and shooting it in the head on live television could get me interested in one of his games anymore.

Really the only interesting thing to come out of this matchup is the fact that Mike Bibby might be out for 10 weeks, and the fact that it's not 2002 anymore seriously diminishes the importance of this for me.

-Dusty

Sleepers are trendy this time of year

2007-10-25T23:35:00.000-05:00

Alright boys and girls. There are four teams in the West this year that are going to be damn good. Not just good, but scary good. The West will come down to who is healthy at the right times. Surviving injuries will and playing well down the stretch means that one of the following four teams will win the title: Spurs, Rockets, Suns, and Mavs(they won't win but I am obliged to include a team that won 67 games last year). So who could thwart these teams that have championship caliber pedigrees. I will give you one from the West and one from the East, though any team from the East is a darkhorse or sleeper since the East sucks.

Denver

This is an easy pick in the West. The AI and Melo combo was damn good last April as every analyst on ESPN will tell you they were 10-1. That is a dman good mark at any pint in the season, but especially that late in the season. They really could not be expected to keep up with the Spurs at the end of last season given the limited amount of time that the team had to coalesce. This year they have Kenyon Martin back. This is my X-factor (and everyone else's) for this team. The Bad Ass Yellow Boy, as he has tattooed himself, is a player that only a few years ago had several teams dying to give him a max contract. The Nuggets paid a high price for the Cinci bruiser who has undergone microfracture surgery on both knees over the last two seasons. If your a Denver fan this really sucks, but Martin and AI are really the only two guys that have been primary cogs on successful playoffs teams on the Denver roster. If Martin's health holds this is the deepest front court in the league with Anthony, Nene, Martin, and Camby as the top four front line guys. All of these guys were top ten picks and have justified those positions in the draft to varying degrees based on their health.
There is a component to this team that could be like the NCAA UAB team from a few years ago or any succesful U of Cincinatti team given the roster. These are some rough fellows, which they can play to their advantage against almost any team. The Martin and AI tandem is sure to account for at least fifteen technical fouls over the course of the season. Not Steve Francis techs, but techs that mean the ref is literally intimidated by the man spurting profanities at them like Old Faithful. These two guys are mean and that is part of their game. Melo is a superstar now which helps this if he doesn't sucker punch anyone to the tune of fifteen games this year. Plus they have this generation's version of Ricky Davis in J.R. Smith, who has actually been charged with shit that Ricky never has been. However, the striking similarities in headcase shooting guards is uncanny. Smith was stolen by the Nuggets much as Davis has been passed off multiple times in his career. He could be the actual X factor. If Martin is even 75% we know what he is. If Smith can concentrate long enough not to fly into the perverbial bug zapper of dipshit decisions a la J.R. Rider we are looking at a steal of a deal at the shooting guard. Smith could be the guy that makes defenses really shake when it comes to matching up with the Nuggets. Without him the Nuggets have to make a trade to get someone that can actually shoot the three, which means they likely have to give up one of their coveted front court assets. Otherwise they are praying that the Rockets cut Steve Novak who they can play as a 6'10" SF and it won't matter if he can't play defense because the Nuggets have no conscience anyway.

Note: We really are remisce for not covering NBA cuts because one man's garbage is anothe man's gold. Look at JVG cutting Chuck Hayes last year only to have the Rocket's extend him for four years this off-season. Numerous other examples, this is part of your homework... make it step 12b.

Have another beer.

As I said, in the East everyone is a sleeper to win it all. Even the Celts will not win it all unless the tides shift in Day After Tomorrow proportions. The Cavs have effectively treated Lebron James worse than the Eagles have treated Donovan McNabb. James has never had the NBA equivalent sidekicks of Westbrook and TO for a season. So that really leave the team that I think should win the East if they can play through the season without making an ignorant trade due to outside pressure. The Chicago Bulls.

This team is like New Jersey a few years ago. If we think about this there are have been few teams of late with so many college standouts playing together. Deng, Heinrich, Gordon, and Thomas with the European standout. in Chi-town are impressive. With a relatively adjusted Ben Wallace alloweed to wear headbands without any impediments we are looking at the teams that should be a beast in the East. The combo of Kittles, Van Horn, and the afforementioned Martin the Nets were great for the East, granted Chicago's vet in Wallace is not Jason Kidd we are looking at one of the better teams on paper that the East has had in years. Thabo and Noccioni should make strides this year. I am sure of this.
The Bulls have been rumored in many trade scenarios. If they can actually get Kobe then all bets are off because a motivated Kobe in a new place with a marginal cast in the East is scary. I don't see this happening though. Pau Gasol could not win this team a championship any more than Dirk has won a championship in Dallas. If you are counting that is two shots at the Mavs in this post so far. I might be done (twitching uncontrollably). The Bulls should lock up all of their young pieces at bargain rates if possible and throw in a vet at the trade deadline who can make a difference. I bet the Clips will be looking to trade Cassell at the deadline, which would be an addition at the end that could put a young team over the brink the East. Sam I am is admittedly slow at this point, but the Bulls need a cocky old guy to put them over the edge. Anyone of the like could prove the point I am trying to make here.

The Captain's sleepers. Signing off says I.

The Captain's Take on the Trade of the Day

2007-10-24T17:47:00.000-05:00

In case you hadn't heard there was a trade in the East today. I am not sure that it matters since it was The Timberwolves and The Heat were the one's involved. The substance here is Ricky Davis for Antoine Walker.
If Walker wasn't motivated to get in shape while playing in the sunny confines of Miami with D-Wade and The Big Weight Loss coach himself I am sure he is going to be a model citizen in Minnesota playing with the Celtics leavings and Corey Brewer. How was Walker not on Shaq's Big Challenge with all the little kids this summer? Surely he could have learned how to stay in shape on this wonderful program. By the way I am not really sure that anything is funnier than a little kid ripping ass on Shaq, the unintentional comedy value of a 350 pound man telling kids to lose weight was one of the funnier things that a network head has signed off on in sometime, until you actual look at the TV guide channel (does anyone have paper copies of that damn thing anymore?)and realize that TMZ is on television about four times a F*cking day.
And of course the Heat get Ricky Davis... What will the night life in Miami do to Ricky Davis's spotless reputation? I am betting that we don't get too many close ups on Ricky's eye's during the season. Although he is the only legitimate scorer after Wade and Shaq on this Miami roster. Davis is a threat to give himself a Triple Double once a season, but I if I am an Eastern Conference Powerhouse (oxymoron) this isn't scaring me just yet. Chris Broussard wouldn't even give them a ringing endorsement to get out of the East. Although he says this trade is great for Miami and included taking Mark Blount as a plus somehow. Relying on Mark Blount to motivated when you just traded someone because they had motivational problems is suspect to say the least.
I would say that this is a great trade for the T-Wolves because they get two expiring contracts in Wayne Simein and Micheal Doleac to have an ungodly amount of cap space in the next couple of free agency periods. Especially since everyone wants to play with Kevin Ga... OH SHIT, how do we get people to come to Minnesota and play with a team whose top five leading scorers barely clear 100 years old combined? Juwan Howard has to be thrilled to be there. If I am the T-Wolves I am not all that sure I am going to be able to lure people with The Mall of America and sub-zero tempratures as selling points. I am sure Kevin McHale has a plan to make the Celtics better, but I am not really sure what the hell he is doing with the T-Wolves seeing as they won't be leaving the Western Conference anytime soon. The approach he is taking with stockpiling young talent has been successul in Chicago because the East sucks, and people don't absolute loathe the thought of Chicago the way they do Minnesota. Every team in the West has traded or signed a marquee name to make the playoffs. I guess there is hope if the Jazz were able to get Carlos Boozer to Utah, but the Cavs don't have anyone left and not everyone is comfortable with fleecing a blind man.
All in all I say the trade probably helps the Heat more, but I don't think either teams is going to shock us with their progress as a result of this one. I will predict that the ever ailing Heat are going to regret including that first round pick. I would say that having 'Toine as a role model for the youth movement might hurt the Wolves but they jettisoned two guys who aren't exactly known for professionalism and decorum.

This is the Captain signing off for now.

Steps 8-12

2007-10-22T22:24:00.000-05:00

8. Pick up on the finer points of the game. Any casual fan may know that Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams have brought back the Stockton to Malone "pick 'n row" (ala Doc Rivers), but you could pick up that Boozer always (and I mean always) has a perfectly shaped oval of deodorant clumped under each arm pit during every game. Also, it may be my horrific colorblindness, but I do believe Boozer's shoes seem to have some of that Carolina blue on them. You can keep up in a conversation by interjecting that Dallas folded like a lawn chair last year when the Warriors forced them to use a post scorer (which they don't have), but you can win yourself some followers with a keene observation about how Jason Williams looks like a cancer patient with his head shaved, or maybe you'll earn yourself a spot in hell. We'll just have to wait and see.

9. Learn obscure and relatively useless statistics for use in conversations with other basketball junkies. You could learn that Tony Parker typically gets owned by larger, stronger guards. That way you'll be able to smirk knowingly when Stephon Marbury lites him up in a g...oh, this isn't 2003 anymore? Sorry, skip that.

10. Acquire some paraphanalia for taunting purposes alone. Now this is going to require that you shop outside the stores of your favorite team, but if you play this well it's priceless. Let's imagine you live near a rabid Hawks fan (remember we're imagining here). You would be well played in purchasing a Chris Paul jersey. This jersey is to be used only when in the presence of said Hawks fan, but if you play your taunting well you should be greeted every time with a string of curses muttered under the breath.

11. Prepare your body and spirit for inexplicable paranoia. People were wondering what kind of damage the ref scandal would have on professional basketball. Every obsessive basketball fan could tell you it won't change a thing. See, we already assumed every game was rigged. This isn't news to anyone. The first response from NBA fans to news of the scandal wasn't, "oh man I can't believe it!" It was something more along the lines of, "I know it was Bavetta. That old bastard screwed us over so many times!" Paranoia is all part of the sport, particularly in basketball when one player on the other team can do so much damage. Ask a Spurs fan if they feel comfortable with a 13 point lead against the Rockets in the final minute of a game.

12. Pick a fight. I don't mean throw blows. I mean go out, fully armed with statistics and game examples, and get a Heat fan to defend Shaq's contract. Seriously, that should be a fun fight, and if they win, you might need to revisit a couple of the above steps.

Now young one, go and take these steps. Believe me, it's more fun than watching someone potentially paralyze themselves every ninety seconds or so.

Oh yeah, have another beer.

-Dusty

12 steps to becoming addicted to the NBA

2007-10-22T20:22:00.001-05:00

Most twelve step programs involve kicking an addiction. This is not like most twelve step programs because in the spirit of the Captain and the Good Doctor before him, we don't encourage addiction it has just worked for us. You may not want to take my advice here if you are a productive human being, however if you want to become a productive basketball fan then by all means follow this astute advice given to you in twelve all too easy follow steps.

1) Pick a team... This may seem obvious, but don't underestimate the importance of this decision. Your family, friends, and people that do not even know you will judge you based on this decision. You are not aloud to like every team, and if you chose the Lakers and don't live in LA I have already judged you (though they suck enough now that it is not the offense it once was). If you chose the Celtics because of the trades they made this offseason I would like to offer you an over and under bet on the number of games Ray Allen will play in this season.

2) If you have your team you are required to do the following: Add the official team website to the favorites on every computer you regularly use, in addition the sports page on the teams local newspaper, the ESPN NBA page, basketballreference.com, and FOXsports NBA page. This may seem like too many websites to add at one time, but you will realize that this is really actually pretty weak once you become committed to the program. I told you that this plan was not for productive human beings.

3) If you are not going to buy the NBA league package (if your team is out of the market area you live in I strongly suggest getting it... put it on credit) find the local channel that carries your team's games. If you cannot do either one of these there is some hope for you. TNT and TBS are helpful in this regard, and you should be watching Ernie, Charles, and Kenny regardless. These men are like the FDR braintrust for the league. In that spirit they will be referred to as the ECK bureau henceforth. If they are the FDR braintrust then David Stern would be FDR.

4) This will come with watching their games, but you should take some extra time to memorize your teams entire roster. If Maurice Ager checks in you should know who he is, but you wouldn't because you are a Mavs fan. You are lucky if you know who Mark Aguirre or Rolando Blackman. You just love Dirk.

4a- You might want to have a beer if you have not already.

5)Your still reading. I'm proud of you for completing the previous four steps. The next one is fun. Pick a team to hate, preferably one other than your teams top rival. You will enjoy cheering against them, no matter who they play, almost as much as you enjoy cheering for your favorite team. Note your reasons for hating this team can be rational, but more often than not they are better if they are irrational. For example, if your girlfriend's exboyfriend loved the Milwaukee Bucks it is perfectly acceptable for you to hate them. Just make sure your committed to this.

6) Go to a game. This may seem low on the list, but you need to know the game before you mortgage your house to buy good tickets and pay for beer at the game. Also, it helps to be able to yell at people by name when you are there. If you are having problems with steps one through five you might want to bump this one up or just insert it anywhere.

7) Buy some piece of team merchandise that you wear or can present an inordinate amount of times. This way anyone who knows you will begin to associate you with said team. They will refer to it as your team. You will have de facto ownership of a business that has a payroll of well over 45 million dollars. If you're a Knicks fan 88 million, however you are a Knicks fan and your GM/coach has been actively divesting the club of its worth while driving up its cost for quite sometime now. On top of that he only signs players in twos, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph, Stephon Marbury and Jamal Crawford, and almost any two players on the roster that play the same position. Also, you should never, under any circumstances, get rid of this piece of merchandise because it will become part of your identity. Even when you get a replacement hat or shirt to wear because the first one of whatever it was has died or taken on a life of its own you cannot get rid of the original. You might need it.

7a- Maybe its time for another beer.

Steps 8-12 to come. You can't do all twelve steps at once, and I haven't paid enough attention to basketball for too long. This is the Captain signing off on the inaugural post.